cary - I have bpd and my husband has thought about divorce more than once and I have left him more than once. But I need him and he takes his marriage vows "For better or for worse" very seriously. I am on meds and have longer times between my episodes now - I think.
Few questions about having BPD....It really brave that you admit their is some kind of illness you are facing, but my wife got REALLY offended, when i ask her if "we" both go see some professional help. But your braveness did help consume your marriage. I'm a rookie in marriage, even i know my wife more than 10years (never live together before marry). She starting to occur BPD behavior back 8-9 year ago(back than i do not know what is BPD), after those Crushing Love Feeling is to fade. Will beat me with College text book in the between of Cafeteria..i mean a lot of bad things. If you ask me why i don leave her, I guess there is alway Love for her. Sometime is Fate, I just want to be with her. But of course, BPD behavior will push me always little by little. And i dont want to end up something extremely messy. Divorce, their is a "women" i can talk too, that lead to an affair, reach the whole world will hate me about it..(Lucky i love to hang out with guys!!, not gay but like to hang out with mans). I mean i do want my beloved one to support instead of anti-support......
About those questions?
*how easy that a person can trigger the emotion from white to black?
*do you realize when BPD behaviors starting to occur? Can you control it or not?
*How your Hubby handle when you starting having BPD episodes?
*What make you to seek helps? volunteer or involuntary?
*Do you only do that to your hubby? or other as well?
*After everything is cool off, do you regrets or recap those mistake that you causes?
I really want to see how BPD think inside. so i know how i can react to my wife, I know u might have different behaviors but i do want to see how BPD bothers people.
Thank you for your support, as i said....that is always Hope In HIm!!!
Question #1 - Most of the time when I am upset there are no gray areas. For me Black and white are not interchangeable. I'm not sure I understood that question.
#2. No, I don't realize when BPD behavors are starting to occur. Usually calling my therapist when I want to cut helps - but he's not always available. Sometimes just being in a public place where it would be inapropriate to cut helps, but can't always make myself go.
#3. Hubby tries to stay away from me during these episodes. He used to take me out to eat or to a mall when he recognized my depression kicking in - that helped. But I think he's sick of trying to take care of me.
#4. I first sought help for depression and anxiety and was later diagnosed with BPD. My husband's comment that I was never happy prompted me to get help because I knew he was right and I needed more help than he could give me.
#5. Unfortunantly the rest of my family, including inlaws, suffer through my bad times. My therapist has often been the target of my boundary confusion and anger.
#6. Usually when I become sane again I discuss the episode w/ my therapist, and sometimes I apologize, but I often continue in my black or white thinking and feel insincere if I were to apologize.
I feel your pain, man. I believe my wife of 5 yrs has the same thing. We have seen numerous counselors and whenever we get to the point where they start to recognize that my wife "needs more attention" or start to identify her behavior to her, she goes ballistic and that's the last time we see that counselor, because he/she is either "unqualified" or "taking my side." The episodes have played out in front of the counselors, and the abusive language and behavior persists on. It takes little or nothing to trigger her to an episode. I usually have made a mistake, been a minute or two late, ask her to repeat something, etc. She begins to raise her voice. I ask her why is she raising her voice. She says that I am the one shouting and yelling. (?) At this point, the baby (22 months old) may be asleep, or nearby, and I have to mention that her behavior is inappropriate, especially around the child. She then may curse and/or insult me. I tell her there is no need for that sort of language, especially around a child who now repeats everything she hears. She says that I amd the one disrespecting the child (?) and she could do better by herself, and should have not bothered to marry me. I say that she is not helping or doing anything good by what she is saying, and she only ramps up the intensity. She shouts that I am all sorts of curse words, a loser, immature, a sorry excuse for a father, I will never amount to anything, etc. At this point the baby is agitated from the tension in the room, and she goes to attend to the baby. All the while shouting insults and cursing. I back off, only to hear her mumbling to the baby "we dont need this @#$% in our life, im going to get you a better dad when I get rid of this loser." I burn with anger knowing that this is destroying my child slowly, but am constrained because I know it will get much worse if I state my case.
Later on when it time to discuss the issue, she constantly cuts me off and wont let me discus my end of the issue. She continuously blames me for the altercation and cites the original mistake as the trigger to the argument. I can never recieve an apology and can seldom successfully discuss a problem that she has caused. This is so frustrating, I feel like walking away, but cant bear to leave my kid! I dont want a broken home. A few months ago, during an argument, I repeatedly asked her to stop insulting me and disrespecting me, especially in front of the child. She hit me in the head with a half open fist and caused me to bleed. I then grabbed the videocam and set it up in the room to capture something, so that people would believe me when I told the story. On the tape it shows her continue to insult me, even swinging on me again in a rage. All the language and insults are recorded, and the baby can be seen in the background just soaking all this up. I leave the room but te tape reveals that as she shouts at me from withing the room, the baby is left on the changing table half naked and unattended!
I have to back off during anytime it starts to go south, but I feel I have to take a stand for myself and the baby and let her know that what she is doing is wrong. I say my peice and take my exit, to try and minimize any further outburst or violence, and then she may not speak to me for days. If the days happen to fall on my birthday, I spend it alone or with the baby while she schedules overtime at work. I have spent fathers day, my last birthday, and an anniversary alone. This is horrible.
I just hope that our next counselor will be able to see something fairly quickly because its like going back to square one every new counselor, and as soon as they get onto something, boom she flies off the handle and blames the counselor, refusing to return to the sessions.
Also forgot to mention that another trigger is when I disagree with ANYTHING my wife has to say or wants or thinks things should be done a particular way. When there's traffic and I get home later than expected, depending on her mood, she may shout at me over the phone to "go back to whatever womans house you came from." Countless expensive vacations have been ruined with a single word or action that goes against what she wants or how she thinks things should go. We were on vacation in the bahamas with both my mom and her mom, and I mention something about my sister, who was late to some previous function or event, and my wife says that I need to tell my sister not to be late anymore. Long story short a few days later she was still nasty, and ended up punching me repeatedly in bed, after being asked to leave me alone numerous times. I got a couple blows to the head and packed my things immediately and left the resort for the airport. This is one of the few times she actually apologized for something she did.
I feel exactly how u feel 120% agree....Seriou thank God you just send this message to me and i happen to read it. I thank God for your comfort and the timing by my MAJOR incident happen 2hr ago. My wife happen to bite me so hard bleeding and get SUPER psychical toward me for more than 10-15 mins on and off. JUST 2 hr ago!..(i go into that later). by me typing less you message basically u pretty much explain how my wife is reacting as well, but thank God we dont have kid.
We only married little bit more than half year (but we dated for 10yrs, split once 5yrs a go for 3-4 months). I agree about i do not want a broken family (whether it's my persona pride (in selfish way) and for the sake of both of us) Give you a little background of myself, I am a active Christian church goer along with my side of the family, as you know Christian pretty strong against divorce or split, and i am a Chinese and in strong chinese culture about the moral of marriage. That give me a lot of pressures for me (forgive me the incident just happen not long ago, i still having shock over it...so i might type little off the chart).. Everyone around does not believe everything i sai how nut she can be, they know my wife is "a special and unique" but not anything close what they see. my wife is pretty, at the public she soft spoken, doesn't talk much, and look generous. So no one know how she react at home. We also live with his brother (they both has the mortgage at their condo, move in after wedding, I told her, personally want to movie out with her. so we actually have a place together rent or own instead of living with family, bc it's not only my adjusting toward her live and their family) Im not even getting into their family issues from my POV. but everytime i mention about we should move out, she will outburst the sec i said it saying abuse words like: u unless not make a lot so i dont have to work, force ur wife(herself) to work by make her suffer at work, and comparing why some wife around dont need to work....etc. a lot of excuse, of course i know she does not want to leave that environment she is having,it her fortress..
I really dont know what to do now man!!! i really dont!! I really want to leave this abusive environment!! but if i live, how i explain to my family my mom and dad will be SUPER heart breaken, they know my wife behavior a bit by her reaction sometime but they only saw 20% and dont want to tell them too much bc she will get really worry about me. my sis and I have a GOOD relationship i talk to her everything and thank God she live few building down from us. so i can always walk to her home. but she just pregnant for less than 2 month, i dont want to go air out my problems!! dont want to affect her emotion to put them in harm. Church people is sometime is hard to talk too. They will just pray (which i strongly believe in) but other than that their support is not comfort enough..and i talk to pastor but they are always super busy and say this is the transition of marriage. I believe their is a transition but the transition should not be that violent and brutal. I reading a book call Men's from Mars and Women from Venus, i kind of fellow not to fight everything but my situation is hard to find our where is the boiling point!.
around 1130am this morning. My wife is cough (being coughing for few days) but she haven't take meds for it bc she dont want to. so this morning i went to get her first cup of cough drop. for her, she agree with it than she said having pain all over her body, so i give her a massage, than she go back to sleep, so i hold her around than we far alseep (nothing sexual this time, just sleep) than she ask me why i breath so loud? i said IDK. that how i sleep, i dont know what my noise level? than she start complain my bro dont sleep loud, and i dont sleep loud.
than i told her well that your guys, its not me. I told her your mom snoring loud, but that her. she said Snoring is different that breathing...i said Okay...i ask her u whether want me to breath loud or snoring. than her heats starting to come, she said why you aruging and cutting me off. i said i didnt, i think u are the one is getting upset and emotional. She said u got upset over lastnight..i said i was upset but not like super mad...what happen is after church fellowship i go home around 11pm. i feel want to eat something so i was looking for a instant noodles that i bring 2 month ago, but i can't find it. i ask her and her bro where is it? And my wife said in front of her bro saying "he try to accuse us we ate his noodles, i said no that not what i meant. i dont her i dont care who eat it, food is for everyone, i just want to know if they put it somewhere beside where i putted. so his bro of course saying stuff that against as well. you have bad memories and dont forgetful. they u ate it but probably forgot...i say since i move in, i never cook a instant noodle..i mean not dementia or anything. so it kind of went it to a cold period. No one is talking. but my wife mention this morning.
Anyway, she start saying something that put in a lot of old and untrue story that she have fixed mind in. but i told her what u so upset and what did i say that trigger ur upsets. she cant answer or/and refuse to answer.. she start telling me get off the bed and stop setting on her blanket and stuff. than i move...than all of the sudden she start punch me ask hard as u can. so u get my arm and sit me and it bleed at little ...lucky i have a strong arm for her its hard to bite in. but still hurts...and leave a mark now..i think...let see the recovery but it burn now...and she got up and came to my side of the bed start kicking and try to punch my face but i still on the bed under my banklet so i hold her hand and and she kicking...and its getting outrageous..so i have to get up ant pin her down bc she will not stop( I dont hit her so i just got up and put her face down on the bed just use my elbow to hold her back so she cant move for a moment so i release like 5 sec and she start kicking again...i keep talking to tell what happen? what wrong with u? what is the deal? why so emotion and physical? she just keep saying i want to divorce, i can see now u have no love with me, i F#*King.......hates you, get out!! than i know i a bad wife..so get out!!!...i said i never say u are...i told her you mad at your self and so u release ur angry toward me. what's wrong...but she just keep repeating....she look like a crazy women....what is wrong with her....? whats going on here? i know conversation got heated but that way off of her behavior that too much!!!..hey bro. i really dont know what to do? i really dont? i want to move out just quiet myself but i cant and staying here is not helping?.....i feel the longer i stay, but problem will get worst..
what going to happen next, as i know she will use tools to hurt u. bc to a point she dont care. that too scary being with her now..but she can react so violent all of the sudden. Thank for listen...at this point i really needed?
In your case, your baby is your priority, always protect the baby and the kids first..im more worry about your baby safety when she start getting out of control. I do worry about you but physically u can handle her, but the baby is defensness, so protect the baby first. I understand she will scream at the baby but hopefully she will not harm the baby. i hope she will still have some insights during the arguments. Hey man!!! i totally feel your pains, and i with u all the way!!!! God Bless!!
I have been married to my wife who has BPD for almost 16 years, and she still freaks out at me for stupid things. We have 4 kids and she will talk down to me constantly. Last night I was looking for the car keys to go out, she was the last to have them. So, I asked her to help me find them, well, she came downstairs and freaked out at me in front of the kids and said i was acting like a child, man I was choked. i am really getting sick of this She gets mad at me for everything. She even cheated on me 4 years ago with my best friend, but, I took her back because we have 4 kids. She then went to therapy for 3 months at a residential treatment for christian women. For the first few weeks back she was fine, and then it was all down hill after that. She says God is showing her stuff, i am not sure what he is showing her other than to be mean to me. Anyway, I feel your pain brother. Feel like I am stuck either way i go. i know if I leave she will make it miserable for me to see kids and if she leaves, same thing. Anyway, life's a rollercoaster, and i want off.
Is your wife in therapy? Sounds as though she still needs regular psychotherapy sessions.
Is that God or is she psychotic?
what do you mean by is that God, or is she psychotic? She tried DBT, and did not work. I have heard of psycho therapy, but, do not know much about it.
You say she says God is showing her stuff. Maybe I misinterpreted and she means that she is gaining more insight. It's hard to know. If she's severely stressed or anxious she may be seeing and hearing stuff that isn't there. ??
One T forced me to do dbt, that was the only treatment that she would provide for me. I responded badly to it and how it was implemented. I felt it was arbitrary and punitive.
I was in other therapy, psychoanalysis, and I found that hugely helpful.
Your wife sounds as though she needs to be in therapy. The sicker a person is, or the more uncontained they are, the more intensive the therapy needs to be.
Therapy is where you go and discuss your thoughts and feelings, etc. If a person has a good T it makes the world of difference.
Psychotherapy is similar to counselling, etc.
I never thought of it like that. You could be right, maybe she is seeing things. Sometimes it seems like she isn't all there. I can sometimes say something to here and she will come back with an answer, or get mad at me, and I will be like"What the heck just happened here". Maybe I will look into psychotherapy, I read that book on one lady who went through and it helped, not sure how it worked out for her now though. By the way what do you mean by "T"?
I recently started pyschotherapy myself. My therapist says it sounds like my wife has BPD. He has helped me find the courage to leave after 15years of marriage. I have tried for the past couple of years to get her to go into therapy, but she refuses. She goes through periods when she's "ok" and then has these episodes when she is angry at me about everything and I have to sit through a tearful rant about all the things I do wrong. She also blames me for our bad financial situation despite the fact that my two partners in my law firm left successively and each screwing me over to the point I had to close my practice and take an associate level position earning 1/3 of what I earned before. Despite my reduced earnings she won't try to get a job. I am very scared about leaving, imagining the scene she will make and also how this will all affect our 12 year old daughter. BUt I have put it off long enough rationalizing that I was staying for my daughter. But as my therapist told me, I probably can't do my daughter any good by staying if I can't cope with life with my wife.
That's true. My parents still argue a lot and aren't as close or as caring as I expect they should be. I keep waiting for them to fix their problems so that I can fix mine. I guess it doesn't work like that. I know I need to make good decisions for me and let the family unit take care of itself. It is difficult when young children are involved though because then you have to consider their welfare as well as your own.
I find it interesting how many people (with assumed bpd) will not go into therapy. Most people with bpd like that support. Maybe it's a depressive part of the illness??
Good luck with the changes I hope they aren't too stressful for all involved.
Buddy, you need to get help!
And the help should be directed at getting out of your mariage before she destroys you, your life and any future you may still have!
I got engaged to a woman with BPD, she then got pregnant and left me.....now i have legal wars to see my son. its a nightmare, but at least i am off the hook with the mother!
So my suggestion is get a good shrink who can help you leave. You will not be able to do it on your own.
trust me i know what i am talking about.
I do know what you mean, and funny enough, looking at yor post, scares me. I know that I am stuck most of the time, and I say I am doing it for the family, but, most of the time,I am doing it for myself. Been in it so long, that I am unsure anymore what normal is. I keep hoping when things are going well, that this is it, but, it never is, and I kick myself when it gets really bad. So, did you leave your wife?
It's almost been 3 months since i came back.. they never inform me their is new feeds in email.. now i find out their is a lot going on there....and i missed!!...
bro and sis...im glad im not the only one walking on this bump road....Since July i start this form my situation gotten WAY worst....i have to updated ya. i have to leave the house for 3 weeks (2 weeks ago) and stayed at my sister's house for a period of time bc my wife beat the crap out of me for the 3nd time within 1.5yr of our marriage. Church pastor got involved...now i back home form but i dont feel the same Cary as i am before...i lost hope, strangless, really tried of my situations. and my love toward my spouse is fading (i dont want to but i just cant denied my feeling).
5 weeks ago...Sunday after church, i went home try to have lunch with her, instead of with other church mates. but she cant decide what she wanted to eat (we have thousand of MAJOR arguments aboutd ine out ...bc she think foods will gain weights and food is not necessary esp outside food) than i was sleepy i went to bed, til she is ready to go out...than suddenly she got upset saying im bore, nothing to do, waste my 3 month of from work (she recently got laid off, but she is happy bc she sick of the job). but during this 3 months my office is short staff i cant go anywhere. and she said i never listen to her and obey heard, like the incident i bring a tee shirt for 3 bucks. she said i already had a lot of tee shirt (which is true) but tee is my thing. plus its only 3bucks with my pocket money. Out of the blue, something snap, she came over my bed starting using her finger poking at my face and saying really insulting words, and make u feel like u worst than dust. I told her "please not pointing fingers and saying stuff like that"....but she got my uptight. than i got up and say "enough" im getting out and get some fresh air. but she put my tee and try to stop me. i told her "u try to punch me again and go ahead do it..its not like the first time." and she punch my right eye corner like 6 times, kicking, slapping....i didn't block, run..i just stand there and let her do whatever she wanted....i was frustrated too but i guess at the moment i have no feeling of protecting myself but just let her do whatever...than i said u done right...and im packing and leave....she stop me and saying "u cant leave the house...u are not allow to leave"...and so on. i told her "the last time u hit me i warn it u not to do it again. and i will leave the house for good." and she said "u make me hit u..and u set up a plot, so i will commit the act" i said "take some responsibility, u are the one hits me and block the door not letting me out. and now i taken ur responsibility as well..this is too much for me"..i said "please let me go...i want to go....and i will wait til u move aside of the door than i will leave." and she said "remember once u leave u will not come back ever...." and i said "its fine"..." and during the moment i turn around try to unplug my computer...she literally kick my butt so hard i lost balance and twisted my ankle and hit my head against the wall so hard that i feel a bit dizziness (im in a basketball league and i have a lot ankle twisted and injury..that hit can equal and compare the injury i got on basketball court)..and she said "i dont give a #&^#!! once i hit u, i will not back down what i done..." and i said "its fine, its alright.....its okay...i still can walk..so its okay" she said "call the cops on me...i dont give a #!*!!!!" I said " i wont....dont worry..i just want leave..." and she kick me out and starting tothrow away my cloth and bag at the hallway of the condo...and close the door....
to be cont.....i know its a long story but..just needed a ear.....
since i left...i stayed at my sister home with her hubby and my cutest baby niece. During that night pastor's wife called me...she said "my wife called her and tell her the story" and "how do i feel now." i said "i feel not good at all"..make it long story short...now i back at home....my feeling toward her is a lot different, and i think she sense it as well. but i cant help it....i think its be so abusive over and over again....Now my mind and my heart is considering battle...logically i know i cant leave my wife (due to im in a Chinese conservative culture and conservative christian background) but my heart is im so tried and my love is fading away but im know my personality, once it hit button i cant come back up that easy or maybe never come back up with that person or situations. but it does takes a lot to pass my red line. but she done it!!! Guys, i really dont know what i can do..i want to leave...im mind is too confuse, and i dont want to go home at all, and once im home i will fears, and emptiness....i dont know, i really dont know.
It's hard to comment because there are so many different levels.
I think your wife needs help and maybe with some intervention from the pastor's wife she will. I would probably have another discussion with her (the pastor's wife), it could be helpful.
I think that you need time for yourself. Staying in a challenging environment won't help you to recharge your batteries. It is hard to do that once you feel so low and hopeless and feel powerless to change the situation.
From an outsider looking in I would probably recommend some time out. Most importantly time away from your wife and the toxic home environment.
I would try getting support and advice from your local pastor. Despite your values and beliefs I don't believe it is necessary for you to tolerate such levels of abuse.
I think your wife is sick and I would also try and access some help for her. Parts of what you describe has her sounding psychotic. Stress can bump a vulnerable or fragile person into this state. I think she needs treatment and psychotherapy.
I don't know if this helps but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in all this and that there are people who can help you. Help you both.
If you feel very desperate you should go to either the police or the hospital.
Thank for a quick reply.....and concerns...
I do think about a temporary time out to reset myself or evaluated my situation. like a 3 months period or something..to see is it worth to restart or not.
but financially that can heavy for me and i dont want my parent or their parent to get to know too much (my in-lawt sometime do come stay for few days, so they will know the situation really quick) and i was out at my sis for 3 weeks....i know she will not hit me anytime soon bc pastor and her wife did make her promise not to do it, but its only verbal agreement. and i do have fear if she snap whatever time...i will fit my mind SO strong that is the last time.
but me now, is like living in a day to day basis....like a lost soul wonder in around here. my physical is around but my heart is not.....i already call an therapist for myself to check myself bc i blame her.. i want to truly air out my situation to someone with professional guardian, but hopefully that dont cost a lot....but hopefully that i actually helps!! as well
sigh.....i dont know...we just came back from a finance adviser to work on our life insurances and she said i will get a life insur. policy within 3 yr i will commit suicide so u will have money to live...i said "huh!?" and i ask "why u think like that?, i have life insurance for 3 yrs already i get buy its incase nothing happen their is money around the house" but she said "i dont worth anything but i can leave money..." i just dont get why she have that kinda negative energy around her, but the next mins. i need to make more money to support this family..i mean so contradicting to a point i dont understand and cant fellow her thought....1 mins she want to have that and that....the next mins she dont worth a penny, and have millions plans to hurt herself. and sound so legit... u know, it got me to a point im confuse and dont even know how to fellow her mood no more....
I just want to be myself for the next 2 months......
Been a long time, is anything better at your house?