Borderline Personality Disorder Community
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Avatar universal

I think my new wife has BPD...but dont know how to handle?

it's being pretty tough on my side after marriage. First want to give a little back ground of me and situation. I work in a Mental Health field which deal with Inpatient Lock-up legal holds in CA we call "Patients' Right Advocate" for 4 coming 5 years.  So i do see all kind types of psy. patients, you name i saw it". So i have pretty good experiences and knowledge about MH. A lot of time i do come across clients with BPD, and i do discuss and gain knowledge direct from psychiaritists (listen to different opinions), 80% of Psy. Dr. have the same conclusion is BPD is really hard to due with esp. their beloved one.
Anyway back to my life i got marry this early this year....after dating almost 9years.  But things dont get worst after marriage. I have so many unknown, unpredicted, came out of nowhere for examples: here only few that i can remember (l blessed that im the type his bad memories to bad things)..
*my wife will get SUPER up-set by me not making her sandwich for her to go to work (we both agree there is no ingredients and will go to Costco pick up the next day). She will say I should of run off with another man. instead of marry you! (I was PO, im not those explode type but silent type and i sure a lot of man will get PO over your spouse say stuff like that)
*Tell everyone how i treated her bad,hate her, disrespect her.
*Doing laundry she will do her laundry only(she do her laundry well i wasnt home), when i want to do my laundry and ask her with respect, she will say my laundry waste waters and a lot. and kind of give u a sense that do ur laundry 3 week later, which that how long she and her brother do laundries.
*She will so disrespect you in front of people esp at her side of her family, Say a lot of thing to put you down and make you look like a 2nd class citizen well with her family. constantly teaching her niece to call me "Uncle Fat Pig" I'm 5'11" weight 180lbs.
*She seem to like to start drama at works and home. ex: a male coworker and a female coworker is having an affair (both marry), my wife will go to the male coworker's wife to go to their work place to start things up. so everyone can see their problems so it can make shame to those two having affair.
*Unable to keep her mouth shut, when i tend to talk to her something should be private. before me and her. She will go around the her side of the family members say about my stuffs that i told her, reach suppose to between both of us. and she dont sense its a problem about privacy.
*always focus on the outside appearances, how she looks, and the body sharp, never skinny enough.  5'5" 102lbs and she wanted to be 98lbs. like those model in the magazine and she is in her mid 30s.  
*Always want to stay home to do nothings, extreme less social group, hardly can keep old friends (people like to call her about their problem, but she will feel annoying by them...always told me hate them to call)
*Bitter about everything, her life is no good, no money(not a lot money but money), why me as a husband need her to work (we live in high cost of living city). constantly compare me with others, why u cant be like who and who...

the list can be on and on and on...and weekly we have big fight over something really minor or sometime she will get extreme upset that i have no idea why?
At this moment she havent direct talk to me for 1.5 day and seriously no clue why (im those type like to recap and recall my memory all the time bc i have a bad one LOL)so i constantly think "what just happen!?"
but my wild guess is on thursday we to a sunglass store bc i want to buy a new sunglass and the way i saw it is she kind of ask a lot of hardship questions and with different opinions with the Sales person. they both got a little tension there, but i know my wife is the one who started. and she got upset over the sales person and saying he is an *******, rude and a lot of trash boy from the sales but of course was there and listen to the whole conversation and i know wife is the person started. but at that moment i didnt say anything bc i dont want to step in but i did do is i will come back couple day later to choose again(i being buying sunglass form the sales/owner for 3 years i go back each year and my wife also my sunglasses from him to last year summer, so they know each other already). since than her mood changes, by Friday I pick her up at train station it around 6pm Friday it got little traffic from where i coming from. i was late little bit less than 5mins the moment she hoop on the saw she start saying i was suffer my outside by waiting for you? I told her i have bad traffics today and she can see the traffic from where she is standing. I told her i was only late for 5mins when you call me after u got off the train, just a little wait....she got super upset. than through out the night til she turn on the radio at 1am (she never listen to radio at night) she want to listen radio and 3am turn on the main light. and when she get in bad she sleep on the other end of bed. until now Sat (i have whole day church meeting from 930am-800pm...she haven't direct talk to me since mid of Thurs)

Seriously i dont know how to handle any farther, if she keep doing this over and over. It stress for me. I have an intense job and by the time i got home i have another battlefield going on. it stressful!! We did saw our head pastor and her wife both are licensed marriage counselors.  They realize our problems, they said its common in early marriage life but i told them "yes some of them just bc we have different life style with new adjustments, but a lot of the is personality issues or disorder but they dont understand enough, what i have going through at home (some of is my fault bc i have bad memory recap in those bad situations).

The only thing i can do is Totally rely on God and pray to him my matters...but my day to day battle with my wife is tough, sometime i do lost faith over it.  All i can do is hold on to His Words....and Faith.
21 Responses
Avatar universal
cary - I have bpd and my husband has thought about divorce more than once and I have left him more than once. But I need him and he takes his marriage vows "For better or for worse" very seriously. I am on meds and have longer times between my episodes now - I think.
Avatar universal
Few questions about having BPD....It really brave that you admit their is some kind of illness you are facing, but my wife got REALLY offended, when i ask her if "we" both go see some professional help.  But your braveness did help consume your marriage.  I'm a rookie in marriage, even i know my wife more than 10years (never live together before marry).  She starting to occur BPD behavior back 8-9 year ago(back than i do not know what is BPD), after those Crushing Love Feeling is to fade.  Will beat me with College text book in the between of Cafeteria..i mean a lot of bad things. If you ask me why i don leave her, I guess there is alway Love for her. Sometime is Fate, I just want to be with her.  But of course, BPD behavior will push me always little by little.  And i dont want to end up something extremely messy. Divorce, their is a "women" i can talk too, that lead to an affair, reach the whole world will hate me about it..(Lucky i love to hang out with guys!!, not gay but like to hang out with mans).  I mean i do want my beloved one to support instead of anti-support......
About those questions?
*how easy that a person can trigger the emotion from white to black?
*do you realize when BPD behaviors starting to occur? Can you control it or not?
*How your Hubby handle when you starting having BPD episodes?
*What make you to seek helps? volunteer or involuntary?
*Do you only do that to your hubby? or other as well?
*After everything is cool off, do you regrets or recap those mistake that you causes?

I really want to see how BPD think inside. so i know how i can react to my wife, I know u might have different behaviors but i do want to see how BPD bothers people.

Thank you for your support, as i said....that is always Hope In HIm!!!
Avatar universal
Question #1 - Most of the time when I am upset there are no gray areas. For me Black and white are not interchangeable. I'm not sure I understood that question.
#2. No, I don't realize when BPD behavors are starting to occur. Usually calling my therapist when I want to cut helps - but he's not always available. Sometimes just being in a public place where it would be inapropriate to cut helps, but can't always make myself go.
#3. Hubby tries to stay away from me during these episodes. He used to take me out to eat or to a mall when he recognized my depression kicking in - that helped. But I think he's sick of trying to take care of me.
#4. I first sought help for depression and anxiety and was later diagnosed with BPD. My husband's comment that I was never happy prompted me to get help because I knew he was right and I needed more help than he could give me.
#5. Unfortunantly the rest of my family, including inlaws, suffer through my bad times. My therapist has often been the target of my boundary confusion and anger.
#6. Usually when I become sane again I discuss the episode w/ my therapist, and sometimes I apologize, but I often continue in my black or white thinking and feel insincere if I were to apologize.
Avatar universal
I feel your pain, man. I believe my wife of 5 yrs has the same thing. We have seen numerous counselors and whenever we get to the point where they start to recognize that my wife "needs more attention" or start to identify her behavior to her, she goes ballistic and that's the last time we see that counselor, because he/she is either "unqualified" or "taking my side." The episodes have played out in front of the counselors, and the abusive language and behavior persists on. It takes little or nothing to trigger her to an episode. I usually have made a mistake, been a minute or two late, ask her to repeat something, etc. She begins to raise her voice. I ask her why is she raising her voice. She says that I am the one shouting and yelling. (?) At this point, the baby (22 months old) may be asleep, or nearby, and I have to mention that her behavior is inappropriate, especially around the child. She then may curse and/or insult me. I tell her there is no need for that sort of language, especially around a child who now repeats everything she hears. She says that I amd the one disrespecting the child (?) and she could do better by herself, and should have not bothered to marry me. I say that she is not helping or doing anything good by what she is saying, and she only ramps up the intensity. She shouts that I am all sorts of curse words, a loser, immature, a sorry excuse for a father, I will never amount to anything, etc. At this point the baby is agitated from the tension in the room, and she goes to attend to the baby. All the while shouting insults and cursing. I back off, only to hear her mumbling to the baby "we dont need this @#$% in our life, im going to get you a better dad when I get rid of this loser." I burn with anger knowing that this is destroying my child slowly, but am constrained because I know it will get much worse if I state my case.
Later on when it time to discuss the issue, she constantly cuts me off and wont let me discus my end of the issue. She continuously blames me for the altercation and cites the original mistake as the trigger to the argument. I can never recieve an apology and can seldom successfully discuss a problem that she has caused. This is so frustrating, I feel like walking away, but cant bear to leave my kid! I dont want a broken home. A few months ago, during an argument, I repeatedly asked her to stop insulting me and disrespecting me, especially in front of the child. She hit me in the head with a half open fist and caused me to bleed. I then grabbed the videocam and set it up in the room to capture something, so that people would believe me when I told the story. On the tape it shows her continue to insult me, even swinging on me again in a rage. All the language and insults are recorded, and the baby can be seen in the background just soaking all this up. I leave the room but te tape reveals that as she shouts at me from withing the room, the baby is left on the changing table half naked and unattended!
I have to back off during anytime it starts to go south, but I feel I have to take a stand for myself and the baby and let her know that what she is doing is wrong. I say my peice and take my exit, to try and minimize any further outburst or violence, and then she may not speak to me for days. If the days happen to fall on my birthday, I spend it alone or with the baby while she schedules overtime at work. I have spent fathers day, my last birthday, and an anniversary alone. This is horrible.

I just hope that our next counselor will be able to see something fairly quickly because its like going back to square one every new counselor, and as soon as they get onto something, boom she flies off the handle and blames the counselor, refusing to return to the sessions.
Avatar universal
Also forgot to mention that another trigger is when I disagree with ANYTHING my wife has to say or wants or thinks things should be done a particular way. When there's traffic and I get home later than expected, depending on her mood, she may shout at me over the phone to "go back to whatever womans house you came from." Countless expensive vacations have been ruined with a single word or action that goes against what she wants or how she thinks things should go. We were on vacation in the bahamas with both my mom and her mom, and I mention something about my sister, who was late to some previous function or event, and my wife says that I need to tell my sister not to be late anymore. Long story short a few days later she was still nasty, and ended up punching me repeatedly in bed, after being asked to leave me alone numerous times.  I got a couple blows to the head and packed my things immediately and left the resort for the airport. This is one of the few times she actually apologized for something she did.
Avatar universal
Hey Brother,
I feel exactly how u feel 120% agree....Seriou  thank God you just send this message to me and i happen to read it. I thank God for your comfort and the timing by my MAJOR incident happen 2hr ago. My wife happen to bite me so hard bleeding and get SUPER psychical toward me for more than 10-15 mins on and off. JUST 2 hr ago!..(i go into that later).  by me typing less you message basically u pretty much explain how my wife is reacting as well, but thank God we dont have kid.

We only married little bit more than half year (but we dated for 10yrs, split once 5yrs a go for 3-4 months). I agree about i do not want a broken family (whether it's my persona pride (in selfish way) and for the sake of both of us) Give you a little background of myself, I am a active Christian church goer along with my side of the family, as you know Christian pretty strong against divorce or split, and i am a Chinese and in strong chinese culture about the moral of marriage.  That give me a lot of pressures for me (forgive me the incident just happen not long ago, i still having shock over it...so i might type little off the chart).. Everyone around does not believe everything i sai how nut she can be, they know my wife is "a special and unique" but not anything close what they see. my wife is pretty, at the public she soft spoken, doesn't talk much, and look generous. So no one know how she react at home. We also live with his brother (they both has the mortgage at their condo, move in after wedding, I told her, personally want to movie out with her. so we actually have a place together rent or own instead of living with family, bc it's not only my adjusting toward her live and their family) Im not even getting into their family issues from my POV. but everytime i mention about we should move out, she will outburst the sec i said it saying abuse words like: u unless not make a lot so i dont have to work, force ur wife(herself) to work by make her suffer at work, and comparing why some wife around dont need to work....etc. a lot of excuse, of course i know she does not want to leave that environment she is having,it her fortress..
I really dont know what to do now man!!! i really dont!! I really want to leave this  abusive environment!! but if i live, how i explain to my family my mom and dad will be SUPER heart breaken, they know my wife behavior a bit by her reaction sometime but they only saw 20% and dont want to tell them too much bc she will get really worry about me. my sis and I have a GOOD relationship i talk to her everything and thank God she live few building down from us. so i can always walk to her home. but she just pregnant for less than 2 month, i dont want to go air out my problems!! dont want to affect her emotion to put them in harm.  Church people is sometime is hard to talk too. They will just pray (which i strongly believe in) but other than that their support is not comfort enough..and i talk to pastor but they are always super busy and say this is the transition of marriage. I believe their is a transition but the transition should not be that violent and brutal. I reading a book call Men's from Mars and Women from Venus, i kind of fellow not to fight everything but my situation is hard to find our where is the boiling point!.
around 1130am this morning. My wife is cough (being coughing for few days) but she haven't take meds for it bc she dont want to. so this morning i went to get her first cup of cough drop. for her, she agree with it than she said having pain all over her body, so i give her a massage, than she go back to sleep, so i hold her around than we far alseep (nothing sexual this time, just sleep) than she ask me why i breath so loud? i said IDK. that how i sleep, i dont know what my noise level? than she start complain my bro dont sleep loud, and i dont sleep loud.
than i told her well that your guys, its not me.  I told her your mom snoring loud, but that her. she said Snoring is different that breathing...i said Okay...i ask her u whether want me to breath loud or snoring.  than  her heats starting to come, she said why you aruging and cutting me off. i said i didnt, i think u are the one is getting upset and emotional.  She said u got upset over lastnight..i said i was upset but not like super mad...what happen is after church fellowship i go home around 11pm. i feel want to eat something so i was looking for a instant noodles that i bring 2 month ago, but i can't find it. i ask her and her bro where is it? And my wife said in front of her bro saying "he try to accuse us we ate his noodles, i said no that not what i meant. i dont her i dont care who eat it, food is for everyone, i just want to know if they put it somewhere beside where i putted. so his bro of course saying stuff that against as well. you have bad memories and dont forgetful. they u ate it but probably forgot...i say since i move in, i never cook a instant noodle..i mean not dementia or anything. so it kind of went it to a cold period. No one is talking. but my wife mention this morning.
Anyway, she start saying something that put in a lot of old and untrue story that she have fixed mind in. but i told her what u so upset and what did i say that trigger ur upsets. she cant answer or/and refuse to answer.. she start telling me get off the bed and stop setting on her blanket and stuff. than i move...than all of the sudden she start punch me ask hard as u can.  so u get my arm and sit me and it bleed at little ...lucky i have a strong arm for her its hard to bite in. but still hurts...and leave a mark now..i think...let see the recovery but it burn now...and she got up and came to my side of the bed start kicking and try to punch my face but i still on the bed under my banklet so i hold her hand and and she kicking...and its getting outrageous..so i have to  get up ant pin her down bc she will not stop( I dont hit her so i just got up and put her face down on the bed just use my elbow to hold her back so she cant move for a moment so i release like 5 sec and she start kicking again...i keep talking to tell what happen? what wrong with u? what is the deal? why so emotion and physical?  she just keep saying i want to divorce, i can see now u have no love with me, i F#*King.......hates you, get out!! than i know i a bad wife..so get out!!!...i said i never say u are...i told her you mad at your self and so u release ur angry toward me. what's wrong...but she just keep repeating....she look like a crazy women....what is wrong with her....? whats going on here? i know conversation got heated but that way off of her behavior that too much!!!..hey bro. i really dont know what to do? i really dont? i want to move out just quiet myself but i cant and staying here is not helping?.....i feel the longer i stay, but problem will get worst..
what going to happen next, as i know she will use tools to hurt u. bc to a point she dont care. that too scary being with her now..but she can react so violent all of the sudden.  Thank for listen...at this point i really needed?
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