Borderline Personality Disorder Community
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Avatar universal

Looking for anyone that has been cheated on by a BPD wife and stayed. I have 4 kids, and am a Christian

  I have been married to my wife who has BPD for almost 16 years, and she still freaks out at me for stupid things. We have 4 kids and she will talk down to me constantly. Last night I was looking for the car keys to go out, she was the last to have them. So, I asked her to help me find them, well, she came downstairs and freaked out at me in front of the kids and said i was acting like a child, man I was choked. i am really getting sick of this She gets mad at me for everything. She even cheated on me 4 years ago with my best friend, but, I took her back because we have 4 kids. I have tried to forgive her, because I am a christian man, and do not want to get a divorce, but, it has been hard. Sometimes she feels bad about it, other times, she gets mad for me not "Getting over it". She then went to therapy for 3 months at a residential treatment for christian women. For the first few weeks back she was fine, and then it was all down hill after that. She says God is showing her stuff, i am not sure what he is showing her other than to be mean to me. Anyway, I feel your pain brother. Feel like I am stuck either way i go. i know if I leave she will make it miserable for me to see kids and if she leaves, same thing. Anyway, life's a rollercoaster, and i want off.

67 Responses
Avatar universal
If this is about her affair then perhaps you could try therapy to help resolve your issues about how you feel.  I expect there are losses there that you need to resolve.
Also, bpd is an illness.  Try not to judge your wife.  Also, don't hold her to ransom over something that she can not change.  Maybe she is projecting her guilt and it is also her who is having trouble getting past it.  ??

Your wife should probably still be in therapy.  Would she be receptive to accessing support?  It is something that she probably needs to persevere with.
You could always discuss couples therapy as an alternative.

At yahoo health groups I think they have some support groups for Christian people.  You could also try there for support.

I think priorities would be to talk to your wife and also to help her access treatment.
1360950 tn?1277660203
Okay, I'm going to be the devil's adversary here...I have bipolar but I know right from wrong.  
You need to think of your own mental health.  Like someone told me, God didn't make us to be a door mat.  Best of luck to you.  
Avatar universal
That's true.  People shouldn't tolerate being miserable themselves.
I think people need to do what they feel is best for them.  That could be either staying or going or any number of other possibilities.
Avatar universal
I appreciate the incite, however, hse does go back and forth as to when you actually acknowledges that she has borderline. I would be more than happy to get counselling when she does know this fact, but when she does not, it is useless. I do love my wife and want to be with here, which is why I put up with what I do. I realize sometimes she does struggle with guilt, and other times, just down right mean. It is my kids also that I worry about, whether staying with her has hurt them more than leaving would have. It is also the trust thing that is gone, I used to feel bad for her, as she also has stuff in her childhood(as do many bpd's). but, after the affair, I just became bitter, and do not want to be hurt again. Stuck between a rock and a hard place as the saying goes
Avatar universal
you are very true, and probably I do make myself one. I guess part of me still loves her the other part has been with her almost 17 years and is afraid to leave. I know i am a bit of a wreck myself after so many years of this. Really not sure what to do anymore.
Avatar universal
I would recommend getting some therapy for yourself.  This will help you with the decision making.

I don't think people with bpd mean to be mean or aggressive or any of the other negative characteristics attributed to people with bpd.  The behavior is a reflection of the persons internal world.
Avatar universal
I have been trying to get therapy for both of us, but, if she does not go, I will have to by myself. I am tired of living in fear of her cheating on me. I am also tired of feeling guilty for her past. She always projects that on me when I try to talk about "us". Anyway, definately need to do something, or live in termoil the rest of my life
Avatar universal
T -short-hand for therapist.

Not all there may suggest that she is dissociating, something people can do when severely stressed.

I would recommend you don't decide to live in turmoil.  Turmoil can describe a bpd persons life.  It's not great so I would strongly advise against it.

It sounds like you could benefit from therapy but I hope for both your sakes that your wife does agree to go.
Avatar universal
Oh, therapist(makes sense). Yes, that is the word(dissociating) that I was looking for. And that is exactly when she does it, when she is stressed, I think she learned to do that as a kid, to protect herself. I never used to be unsympathetic, until she cheated on me, then just became bitter. I used to book all her appts(made my life around helping her), turned into co-dependancy.

             I definately know I need therapy, I already see myself taking on her traits from living with this so long. Yesterday, I suggested psychotherapy, but she was not very receptive to the idea, as she said GOD needs to help her. I would normally say, I am not purposely living in turmoil, but, I guess ultimately it is my choice, so, staying is more out of my fears, than hers. Been good to have someone to talk to though, do not have anyone that understands any of this.

So, thank you
Avatar universal
I don't understand the "God" stance.  Surely God has put people here to help her.  He has given those people skills.  Maybe God is helping her by directing her towards therapy?  Or whatever support she is leaning towards.  Or maybe that is the role God has given you, to help to support her and to help her access support?  You need to interpret things as you see fit.  Things have different meanings for different people.

I can understand you feeling hurt and bitter and resentful and cheated or betrayed.
Maybe you both need separate therapy to help address your own issues.  ??

You also stay out of love and concern and commitment.  I understand a little about bpd but I don't understand how bpd individuals can treat their spouses or partners so appallingly.

It's a lot to have to carry around with you.  It sounds like you could benefit from therapy or a good support group.

I honestly don't know how to advise about ways to reconcile with a bpd individual who is largely in denial.  This, I think, is where professional input could be invaluable.
Avatar universal
BPD is serious business.  Don't assume that she feels "guilty" about her affair.  BPD's usually don't.  They do, however, have an extreme fear of abandonment, so she will belittle you to the ends of the earth because that is what keeps you there.  Think for a moment about what you are saying..."I've been with her 17 years"  and all the other excuses.  You should stop for a moment and think about your children.  They should NOT have to grow up in this environment.  It would be far better to split and let them know that mommy is "sick" which is why she is angry all the time.  My sister has BPD.  It wasn't until she finally "assaulted" her husband and he had to go to the emergency room - then she was arrested - that he was able to get away from her.  She told him for years that HE was the one who needed therapy.  Now she lives with my mom and takes her anger out on her.  BPD is difficult to treat because the BPD really doesn't think there's much wrong with them - that it is everyone else.  I've never seen someone so bitter, angry, can snap your head off in a heartbeat and not think twice about it.  Usually with BPD there are additional disorders including Narcisistic PD, Histrionic PD, etc.  I can assure you this will NEVER stop as long as you're still with her.  Leaving - and with the kids - may be the one wake up call she needs.  Document all her behaviors, so that you have some backup info for the child custody issues.  Pray and ask God for strength to keep you from running right back to her and get those kids and yourself the heck out of there!
Avatar universal
I have always thought GOD had wanted me to help her, but, she seems to always go back to the same state of mind whether it is after 6 months  2 months, etc. Seperate therapy sounds like a good idea, as I have think in a sense"lost myself". Not sure anymore, I have spent so many years trying to help "HER" that I have not focused on myself. I ended up starting smoking again when she cheated on me(have since quit), and ended up with health issues(heart problems). She did not even come to see me in the hospital. Sometimes, she is so convincing, and I forget that this is not normal behaviour.
So, with your BPD, you have not treated people this way?
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