This is my first time posting in the forums, usually I remain behind the shadows reading them to seek my own answer, but in this case I’m in dire need of some advice. I was recently diagnosed with BPD, which we have determined has been apparent since I was quite young. We are yet to discover anything that may have happened during my childhood, or what initiated the disorder, but I definitely experienced a struggled teen to adult-hood and am only starting to find my feet. It’s a vicious cycle though, because as soon as you start to find balance and calm, it allows for emotion to flood through and everything seems to go overboard.
I have manic periods, OCD, terrible anxiety, unfortunate and ferocious mood swings, depersonalization experiences, hallucinatory auditory experiences, I used to lie compulsively, abuse drugs, and steal.
I made a sudden turn in my life 4 years ago, and now have almost finished two incredible degrees at University, have a full-time job, a loving boyfriend and a supportive family.
But I am loosing it. Why is it, that on the outside, you lead the perfect and envious life, but on the inside, you are fading?
A “relaxing” day exhausts me... it leaves me too much time to think, and stress, and observe, and think, and over-think, and worry etc.
I often feel like my brain is going to explode.
I felt extreme reassurance when my psychiatrist diagnosed me, because I finally found closure. I wasn’t the only one out there, and my symptoms were text-book, right there in front of me, simply listed! But since I have been medicated and provided with psychiatric assistance, I feel like my once-ignored problem is now prevalent, and everything I do, think, say, feel – is directly related to my disorder I have now been categorized as.
I have been put on Zoloft 100mg, however this made my heart race and my hands shake, I changed to Luvox 100mg, except this made me so tired that I would fall asleep at my desk. I stopped seeing my psychiatrist for two months, out of anger and lowered my dosage to 50mg myself and this somehow put me on a steady road. He gave me Valium and Temazepam as I struggle to get to sleep – mostly when my partner isn’t with me.
I am still taking the Luvox at 50mg and although this is a low dosage, I feel this keeps me somewhat sane. However it doesn’t suppress my symptoms as much as I would like it to, it just allows me to stay awake!
I have TERRIBLE nightmares, without a doubt, EVERY night. I am ordered to record these to discuss in my sessions, however I am sick of them. They disrupt my sleep, they scare the crap out of me, and they absolutely drench my bed.
I can’t recall experiencing night sweats to this degree before being medicated, but my bed is absolutely soaked every single night. Just last night I woke up approximately 3 times, and at one stage my stomach had a layer of sweat across it. I don’t move at all in my sleep, and it is winter (approx 4 degrees at night – no heater) so I know it’s not my surroundings.
My doctor prescribed me Seroquel for my nightmares and to help me to sleep, this was about a week ago, and I feel like it has made it worse rather than better. I was prescribed the smallest dosage (25mg) and I can’t even get up in the morning. I feel dizzy, unbalanced, and it scares me.
Plus my body is absolutely aching like never before, my joints are so sore I might have to go and get a massage.
DOES ANYONE ELSE experience similar things to what I have described? How do you deal with it?
I see a Chiropractor once a week, my GP, my psychiatrist, and am just about to start seeing a psychologist to discuss more personal BPD symptoms.
PLEASE NOTE: I am 22 and I only weigh about 50kg so anything tips me overboard.
I'm sorry this is so long - I really need someone to talk to and just tell me what they did. Thank you