If anyone knows who I am in this community, chances are you have seen my long writing on how many pills I have been thrown on to treat conditions I probably never even had.
I went in for a psychological evaluation on March 5th, and after nearly an hour of talking, the social worker then gave me the DSV-IV TR, and as I was reading it, I didn't want to believe it, for not all of the diagnostic criteria seemed to be true. But some things (like self-mutilation and unpredictable mood swings) were DEAD ON. It seems like the way that Borderline Personality Disorder is currently described seems like people with this disorder act difficult deliberately, but I have found there is nothing deliberate about my mood swings or how I think anymore. It just happens. It feels like I have no control anymore sometimes. There's just no explaining it. After having crap like this happen for months, I keep finding people like my partner will always ask me "what's wrong", and it now freaks me out each time anyone asks because I have to repeat it over and over again: I DON'T KNOW. I LITERALLY DON'T KNOW. I JUST DON'T KNOW!!!
These extreme feelings of emptiness and disconnection from other human beings also didn't happen until I was on thrown on medication. I was fine the way I was. Now I have lost the ability to think straight or concentrate on more than one task at a time, and I wasn't self-mutilating or obsessing about things like crazy, and I never had thoughts like this or anything until I was thrown on Effexor and Cymbalta, Of course, I have had a VERY traumatic past 6 months that have made me depressed, and I took the initiative of making myself better by going on anti-depressants...which has made me even more depressed and suicidal if anything...and then I moved away from home to liberate myself because I couldn't peacefully practice or have a "gay relationship" while living with my parents. They would restrict me (and before I was 19, try to control me). It was asinine.
Me and my partner sat here last night and read over a Wikipedia article on Borderline Personality Disorder, and I didn't want to face the music because it terrified me. Nearly 90% of this article described ME, especially the part about it developing it through childhood. My childhood was nothing short of traumatic. I have been having repressed memories of my father physically harming me as a child resurface, and I still remember as a little boy praying to Jesus Christ to save me...now here I am at nearly 25. I wake up nearly everyday and find that I would rather be dead than suffer like this any longer.
The way Borderline Personality Disorder is currently defined in the DSM-IV TR seems more criticizing and stigmatic, and I have been trying to escape stigmatic things my whole life...only to keep falling in them and I'm sick of it. Now, it is like "if anyone knows I have this, then I'm definitely subject to the stigma now for sure. People are going to think I'm crazy and not want to have anything to do with me, especially if they read up on it in the way it is currently defined."
Currently...for the past month or 2, I have resorted to isolating myself from just about anything...for I don't care to participate in this world anymore. I just get constantly hurt over and over, the pain never ends, and it seems like each worse case scenario I fear that will happen next actually happens...over and over again. I had a major fear of STDs and I was misdiagnosed with one by poor medical practices, and I lived like I had it for 4 months and took medication for it that made me feel like crap. Suffered rejection from people I wanted to date. Even suffered from rejection from my friends when they found out. Then my worse case scenario of where this protesting thing happens...it's like I'm able to see into the future or something and I'm seeing it all fall apart, and I just want to hide from it all.
In my youth I have been heavily bullied (it has been documented on YouTube if not on MedHelp), and I am constantly traumatized by my past at least every day. I can't get up in the morning and act like a normal person anymore, and I can't start the day without at least one crippling anxiety attack and panic attack, and I have no control over it either. Whenever I try to breathe, I just start hyperventilating, and last night it got to the point where I was hyperventilating so badly, the next thing I know, I am on the kitchen floor feeling completely paralyzed feeling like I have no energy left to function at all.
They say some people with BPD have developed it during childhood. From Wikipedia: "Patients with BPD have been found to be significantly more likely to report having been verbally, emotionally, physically or sexually abused by caregivers of either gender." Then I remember how my father can really be a self-centered and hurtful person sometimes (he has aliked gay people to child molesters in front of his own gay son he knew was gay), and whenever I begged him to think differently just by trying to get to know me better...he looked away and bound himself to his religious teachings instead. I question now if what I had growing up was anything close to an actual father...
It says on Wikipedia that the suicide rate of BPD is 8 to 10 percent. it is almost like "abandon all hope he who enters here..." and like I have told my mother, I just wish she would have aborted me because I can't stand living in this body anymore. But I keep doing it every day for some morbid reason because my boyfriend and my friends want me to exist, meanwhile I don't see the point in existing anymore. It's just too difficult to work through and there is too much pain. Then my friend tells me I'm a piece of s*** if I want to commit suicide. I swear, you could not make me any more undesirable of living.
I came here hoping for some insight on what I should do next. I have been to several therapists. I have been to several doctors. Almost every doctor or therapist I have seen up here has their political or religious influence involved into their practices, and it's sickening to me. I remember my doctor saying "stop having sex" whenever I would want to get tested for STDs (what the hell?).
As well, people TALK THAT TALK up here. There is a medical facility here named Logan Instacare ran by Intermountain Healthcare which I went to constantly out of fear of having some sort of STD because of physical symptoms presenting (when it turns out I just had Chronic Pelvic Pain Syndrome), and this also is the same facility that ordered the wrong medical tests and attributed to my misdiagnosis.
Now I am discovering that not only has that happened, but laws have been broken and people are getting away with it: Those damn nurses have such big mouths that eventually my own co-workers at McDonalds knew about my visits to to that outpatient clinic and they were talking about it. Then work got worse and I just basically gave up because I couldn't handle it anymore. The stress and depression were eating away at me each and every day, and I found myself trying to hold back tears at work when I was normally once a quiet and kept-to-myself person.
I don't know where to go to here. My outlook looks quite grim, for there is no proven treatment that works for BPD from what I have read, and I honestly just don't see myself going on like this for another 25 years like this if this is what things are going to be like. I guess all I can ask for now is a little help and advice, and a path that doesn't go the way of me being six feet under.