I went rhrough a phase similar in highschool. Your still young and figuring yourself out. You will change just be careful if your attracted to those kind of people who you surround yourself with because they may seem fascinating and interesting but in time youll regret it, its not the life or what you build it up to be in your mind. But if you do have bpd youll have identity issues most likley hand have trouble figuring out Who.you are, overtime youll just want to identify yourself in some catagory or Type of person. Remember how confusing that can be.
Did anything ever come of this? did you get diagnosed? or did anything happen?
Hello iamsilent, by the way, how old are you?
I don't have BPD but I do know what you are going through. Just bc we ourselves battle between bad and good sometimes the things we put into our minds or watch will influence us in a greater way. We all are very different and like all we are bad in some form of way, yours just happens to be violence (but doesn't make it okay). You put heavy metal like Metallica or some form of creepy music you learn to be hypnotized by the rhythm and beat in itself. As well as the movies and violenct porn videos you watch is like adding fuel to the fire. You need to get rid of all that junk and stay far far away from it, it's not helping you in any kind of way other then turning you on. Not everyone will struggle with the same music and videos as you and will not effect them the way it does you, but bc it does your a special case and your imagination takes you to farther places then others. So bc of it, you will need to cut yourself off of the things that lead you to those thoughts and feelings. Because if you don't and you keep feeding this fire you eventually will become exactly what your describing. You have a choice to know what feeds this desire or to stay far far away from it and help yourself.
Im diagnosed with BPD and have a fascination with serial killers and crime documentaries, and I am a female. I dont have fantasies, if i do I say that they are unwanted images, some included me hanging myself, being choked by a man, and stabbing guys that have hurt and used me in the past. Although Im confused, Aileen Wuornos was diagnosed with BPD comorbid with APD as a middle age woman. So Im not sure why youre too old to be diagnosed with BPD. Also so you know Jeffrey Dahmer had BPD with sadistic traits. He isnt a sociopath, which got me excited because I thought that he kind of showed a little remorse which doesnt characterize a sociopath. But just because you have an interest in violent stuff doesnt mean that you will become a killer. Im also a self destructive BPD, and I dont have antisocial traits. You just got to believe that you wont do those things that you fantasize about, because they arent the real you and it comes from pain. That is how Im dealing with it, and Im dont let negative unwanted thoughts get the best of me. Just know you are not alone and as long as you dont act on them and continue getting help, than you wont be anything like the serial killers you've mentioned. :)