Borderline Personality Disorder Community
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Avatar universal

Why am I never satisfied?

My boyfriend is driving me nuts. He is comfortable with me now to the point where he doesnt ever hold my hand or be affectionate with me at home or in public. I feel rejected by him for this and want to say or do things to hurt him so he knows how I feel inside. (yes Ive talked to him about it and couples therapy did not work and Its not bad enough for me to leave) Anyway a new friend of my best friend is very interested in me and even though Im not interested in him at all and Im somewhat happy in my chaos I still love the attention Im  getting from this new man. Who wouldnt?! But Im finding myself wanting to be around him now even though I only met him once just to feel wanted again. This is what I always do. I get obsessed with someone until I toy with their emotions leading them on for years then just breaking their heart because I never wanted anything with them to begin with. I just wanted attention from my bf and thats it. My bf is awesome though. Im just never satisfied with my situation. The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side until you get there. I just want to be happy for once with where I am. Anyone is this self sabatoge cycle as well?
4 Responses
Avatar universal
My husband doesn't get it either. I love to hold hands, hug, and kiss other than sex and we talk about this in marriage counseling. Somehow it doesn't stick. If you get an answer I would be happy to know this as well
202665 tn?1248810333
You're not alone.  One of the definitions from the DSM around BPD states that disorder involves unusual levels of instability in mood; "black and white" thinking or "splitting", which creates chaotic and unstable interpersonal realtionships, self-image, identity and behavior: as well as a disturbance in an individuals' sense of self.

One of the books/articles I read said that people with BPD tend to seek out more - in a job or relationship, etc.  This often leads to them leaving a job/relationship after 3-5 years because they feel something is missing or that they've been slighted in some way - ignored, hurt, etc.

From a relationship stand point you can look at it from the 80/20 rule.  No relationship is 100% perfect.  I think the best you can hope for is that it meets your needs 80% of the time.  One of the issues with BPD is that we sometimes focus on the 20%...something in us drives us to that - regardless of the other 80%.

DBT is a popular thearpy for people with BPD because it teaches you to think in the moment.  to stop what you are doing as soon as you recognize that it is wrong - and think about it, then do the opposite.  Yes, easier said than done.  Then there is the psychoanalysis side of therapy that wants you to analyze why you need this attention in the first place - is it something from your past/  did not get this as a child? etc.

I don't think there is one answer for any one.  For myself, I think the answer lies somewhere in between.  You are at a spot where you've recognized what you want from this other person and what's missing in your relationship with your BF.  You should ask yourself why do you feel you need this.  Is it something you've always felt important because you didn't have it in the past...or is it that you had it in the past and don't now?  Even though your BF is great in all other ways - is the attention and contact something that is really higher up in your needs scale than you thought before?

That information alone might help you view if you are in the right relationship, is there a way to change your partner, or can you do without/change yourself to do without.

When you recognize yourself in a situation with someone else...stop and think...be mindful.  ask yourself if this is really what you want now and for the long term.  Ask yourself who this going to hurt - whether they find out or not - because in the end, you have to live with it in yourself...so you need to be able to handle that.

A bad trait of BPD is that even if you are mindful and know the consequences to yourself and others - that "black and white" or splitting thinking comes in to play.  you seperate yourself and your relationships and tell yourself it's ok - that one relationship has nothing to do with the other.  That your actions have no impact on anyone but you.

I think it's safe for me to say I've ruined every relationship in my life because of this disorder - companions, friends, family.  I can not blame the disorder alone, but it is a monster - like BiPolar - that is at times hard to contain...but you have to try.  The consequences of not trying to find why you need what you do, how you control/meet that need can quickly lead to depression which has it's own destructive side affects.

Hope this helps in some way.
242912 tn?1402547092
Great question, SurvivingBPD321

Great answer, BeeKeeper
Avatar universal
Men are different to women.....    When the **** will women accept this.. Doesn't mean we live you less..

My gf of 7 years broke down and told me I do not show that I love her and appreciate her.

I am a 25 yer old entrepreneur who has invested the last 7 years of my life Into building a life for us In Sydney... Where a one bedroom apartment 20 mins from the city costs 550k...

In this day and age , you cannot apply more pressure onto your men! They will end up leaving for for a women who gets it..

Gee, I have literally set a reminder in my phone to make my gf feel special appose to waiting for those special moments to occur naturally as they should.

You will regret the attention you are receiving when this new guy sleeps with you and drops you!!! Stay with your man and love him just for being there. Its a big thing in itself..
I used this same excuse when my boyfriend stopped showing me affection. He was not demonstrative in public nor at home. He hardly touched me. He was tired, he hated his job, etc. I accepted that he didn't have to constantly show me or tell me that he loved me. I didn't push him, I didn't nag. I believed him when he said  everything was fine - and then one night he said things had not been fine for a long time. it wasn't that he was tired or hated his job - he had been having an affair with a co-worker for six months. That's why he was no longer showing me affection.

Physical and emotional intimacy are important in any loving relationship. When it's not there, something is wrong. If the naturally occurring special moments are so few and far between that you have to schedule them, there is a problem with your relationship.
I did just like you said when my bf stopped showing me that he loved me and appreciated me. I chalked it up to stress, his job, he was tired, etc. I didn't push, didn't nag. I "got it."

He always said everything was ok with us - until the night he said things weren't ok, they hadn't been for a long time, and he had been cheating on me for six months.

Emotional and physical intimacy are important in a relationship. if the special moments are so few and far between that you have to set reminders to show her, there is something wrong with your relationship.
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