Avatar universal

finding your own strength

I'm 37 year old female. Years ago people would say I'm so envious of your life..my marriage, my daughters, my husband. It  was all facade. I was beautiful on the outside...my family picture perfect on the outside.

My entire life has felt like I've been living on a roller coaster. One in which dives into the depths of abyss then up into the highs of beautiful prisms. Misdiagnosis from bi poloar, severe depression, manic episodes, BPD, to abundant medication treatments.
Then of course not limited to suicidal attempts and week long stays in mental institutions. I've been addicted to drugs, had well over 60 sexual partners. Just recently discovered I'm HPV and HSV positive.
I've lost countless employment positions, friends, a 15 year marriage and have not been able to connect to my daughters completely.

I will not ask for pity, I will not cast blame on a tormented childhood. What I can do from this moment forward is accept my past, not use people or this disease as a crutch as I have in the past and think positive.
Be grateful that I have a today to experience regardless of imperfections.
Nothing is ever perfect.
Tomorrow is waiting for me and for once I'm excited.
3 Responses
Avatar universal
Are you currently in therapy? If not, I highly recommend it. You do have a very positive attitude and that's a wonderful thing. Sometimes you have to deal with your past to be able to move on though. There's a reason for your depression, the suicide attempts, the loss of your marriage. You need a correct diagnosis and then get the right kind of treatment to be able to move on with your life. We're always here to listen and help in anyway we can.  
Avatar universal
I've found therapy and therapist were just becoming a tool for me to abuse. Obsessive in searching for reassurance. I've come to find meditation has worked best for me.
I'm not relying on anyone to return a call, email, schedule an appointment. I'm not seeking approval from anyone anymore but myself.  It's challenging yet rewarding because I've come so far.
I do still believe that keeping a journal is a necessity. I hope however one day the stigma of mental illness will subside allowing more people to vocal about their experiences.
Thank you for your response.
Avatar universal
I think the stigma is getting much better. I used to be afraid to tell anyone I have severe depression, now I'm not.
My daughter has BPD and meditation and yoga are her life savers. Both are such great stress relievers and can keep you more grounded.
I have'nt met you in person, if course, but I wanted to say I'm proud of you for coming so far with your life. Keep doing what works for you. It's so important.

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