Breast Cancer Blues

[Gloria40]

First of all I have to commend all those survivors out there. You are truly an inspiration but at the same time you may have become my downfall. I do not have breast cancer but my mother in law does and I just don't know how to handle it. Although I may not know directly how it feels to have breast cancer but I do know how it feels to have a relative dealing with a life long illness. My daughter was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes at the age of 9 and my husband and I promised ourselves that our daughter would barely feel the negativeness of the disease. I've even started reading some materials about breast cancer to educate myself. Here is the dilemma. My mother in laws cancer was detected so early that the doctor told her that she has a 98% cure rate. His exact words were "Of all the cancers to have this was the best one". She had surgery and had the lump removed along with some lymph nodes, not many. Everything was a success. I've read about other woman who've had that their breast removed and had breast reconstrucction. I've read their stories of how they've recovered. As a matter of fact watching a TV show on breast cancer, two women showed what it looked like. One had recently had her breast removed and the other had just had breast reconstruction. I've never realized the extent of this disease. So am I being thoughtless in thinking that by my mother in law moping around because of the "BIG C" which she will not accept she has, is being selfish. I believe that she is depressed and that is only success of her cure slower and slower.  If I am being thoughtless then I do apologize but how can I handle it in a way where she gets the help she needs. This is a woman with so many great things surrounding her. She has a grandson who graduated from Boston and is successful in his job in Boston, a granddaughter who is beginning Boston University in September to study Biomedical Engineering. She's the one with juvenile diabetes and she hopes to find a cure and she also has a younger grandson who is doing very will in Middle School. Her children are grown and happy. With so many things to be thankful for and to enjoy why wouldn't this give her the motivation to fight?

[tresa47]

I am a breast cancer survivor of 13 years..I  was diagnosed when I was 34 years old..I was told 3 days before Christmas, the day before my 10th wedding anniversary, that I had cancer.At the time my children were 10 and 8. Oh my gosh you say...well that's how every woman feels when she is told she has cancer. Mine was invasive lobular cancer, it was caught very early,  the tumor was small, and so far I'm doing well! What I'm trying to say, no matter how small or large your cancer is, to you , hearing these awful words is a shock! Your mother -in- law has a right to mope around, at least for a time. She is probably still in shock...I mean  you have cancer, going through all the stuff, tests, surgery, and everything can get you a little down..give her a chance...Maybe go to a support group with her...if you can try to spend some time with her..sometimes we just need to have someone listen !You can't understand unless you've gone down that road..I hope and pray you don't....God Bless you and your family during this difficult journey

[katarina777]

And it's not your job to prevent her from having her feelings.
It sounds like this is at the heart of the matter as it was for you with your daughter, and may still be. You do not have control over anyone's feelings and not even your daughter's. it's her diabetes, and she needs to feel what she needs to feel, and you cannot, and should not feel like you have to protect her. they can take it. and what would be most helpful for you is not to control your mother in law's feelings, but for you to know that she is she and you are ger. What helped me most is for people to just listen and then I already felt better after venting one way or another. her feelings will also change. You could really help by just acknowledging how she feels, and don't take them on, because you don't need to and that is not wanted, either, and not expected of you. I think what you do is way too hard on you as well. You don't need and want to fix; just allow them their space and allow yourself your own space.  It is not your cancer, OK?

[japdip]

Every person on this earth will take things differently and we all have the right to deal with things the best way that we can .... there are usually groups that meet monthly or so in most areas. There you would find all sorts of Survivors who support each other in whatever way seems appropriate. Perhaps you could find such a group (usually connected to the American Cancer Society thru a local hospital) and even accompany your mother-in-law. you might learn a thing or two and I can tell you that until YOU are the one receiving the "you have Cancer" speech; you have no idea how you would react. If you expect her to brush it off and snap out of it ... you're asking for more than you should ever expect of another person. What you're talking about is called DENIAL in my book. With proper support she will get thru this I'm sure but not by force !!!

[Greta_L]

Since she has grandchildren in college I am going to assume that your mother-in-law is probably over 60.  When we grew up, people who got cancer died. If anyone survived, we didn't hear about it. We only saw and heard about those that died.   The first reaction for many over age 50 when we hear we have cancer is to think we will die like those we knew as children.  It takes a lot of information to overcome that childhood fear.  Depression is not uncommon.  At the beginning of every one of my oncology appointments they ask me again, "are you depressed?"  I have been lucky to answer no. I have 6 amazing breast cancer survivors at my job that show me that you can survive and thrive. Perhaps your mother-in-law would benefit from a support group of other survivors.  The American Cancer Society should be able to put you in touch with one in your area.
You asked the question, "So am I being thoughtless in thinking that by my mother in law moping around because of the "BIG C" which she will not accept she has, is being selfish." First consider this, if she had the surgery she must have accepted she had it.   Unless the doctors have recommended further treatment which she is refusing, then she had dealt with having it.  If she is refusing treatment, that would be a different issue.  More likely what she hasn't accepted is that she has lost a feeling of control over her life.  None of us so called "survivors" have any guarantee that it won't be back. We feel more vunerable than we did before cancer and I don't know that will change soon.  Next consider this; if she had the operation, the cancer has been removed, so at what point would "you" say she no longer has cancer?  It is difficult to make the transition from Cancer patient where you feel you are taking action to rid yourself of the evil, to no more treatments and just waiting and watching to see if it comes back.  There is a good book that helped me through that transition: Uplift: Secrets from the Sisterhood of Breast Cancer Survivors By Barbara Delinsky   This book is filled with practical tips and upbeat anectdotes from breast cancer survivors of every age and walk of life. Reading about all these amazing survivors might help her believe that she can be one too.  
Good luck to you both.

[BJSaws]

     Hold your horses, Gloria!  You know the old adage, "Until you've walked in my shoes....."
     Don't you think your mother-in-law has the right to be depressed or mope around?  Perhaps she is not handling it the way you would have, but I'm sure she's trying to deal with it in the best way she knows how.
     You don't mention your father-in-law.  Is your mother-in-law a widow?  If so, this may be contributing to her feelings of depression and helplessness.
     Yes, she has much to live for with a son and grandchildren.  I'm sure she takes great pride in them and their accomplishments.  I know she would like to be there for her son and grandchildren, but do they really NEED her?  The answer to that is no.  There lives will continue on the path to success whether she is there or not, and she knows this.
     Are you being thoughtless?  Yes, you are.  A woman who raised the man you married (and apparently did a good job of it) deserves a little more compassion and understanding from you.
     Is she being selfish?  Perhaps, but so are you.  Give her a break!

[lhughes]

Some women sink into depression after diagnosis.  I think it has something to do with having to deal with something SO invasive.  Not only does it affect a breast, but then you lose part of that breast (or all) and then you have to deal with the disfigurement.  It takes a bit of the "woman" out of you.  It also sikes you out in the fact that you have "cancer" and could have to deal with this for a LONG time.

Hopefully you MIL will soon realize that she has a lot to live for and a lot of living left to do.  Let her know that people still need her.