10 Year Old Won't Accept Dad's new Girlfriend

[helpme43]

I began dating my boyfriend (b/f) 6 months ago.  From the beginning his 10yr old son did not accept this/me as he always hoped his father and mother would reunite.  In addition, from the beginning, the mother has always bad mouthed me (although never having met me)and emotionally abused the son by saying "Daddy doesn't love us anymore," or "He's going to leave us to go raise her children," and many many other very damaging remarks.  I believe the mother is disturbed because she leans on this poor boy emotionally and cries in front of him often and he feels sorry for her -- which in turn gets him angry at his father (for hurting his mother) and hating the new woman that came into the picture (me).  The father had been divorced for 3 years, however they did try for 2 years to work on getting back together but it just did not work.  I came into the picture way after it all was over so I had nothing to do with the divorce or non-reunion.  My b/f and I have become very involved and know that we want a future together but know we are up against a wall.  The son cries and has a fit everytime his father tells him they are going to join me (or me and my children) for a special event or evening out.  He walks into my home with total disrespect and is never initially pleasant -- yet after a short while he seems fine and will talk and smile.  He is an only child and is very use to getting what he wants, when he wants it and has never really had much discipline.  The father is a wonderful man although he is very passive -- knowing his son is going through a tough time, he feels caught between how to discipline him without turning him away even further.  He has about 30% custody (because of his work schedule) and his time with his son is important.  He has recently sought out counseling (once monthly) but the boy does not want to go and cries every time he has to.  The main problem is the emotional/mental turmoil the mother is creating for this boy -- but obviously there is nothing we can do about that and what she does.  Lastly, I am moving into a newly built home and we had hoped to soon move in together and unite families -- but because of all this, we are putting a hold on that.  So, my questions to you are (1) what advise would you give my b/f to get his son to accept (me) his girlfriend and understand that he must have respect for me and my children when we are all together.  And (2), what is your advise on our moving in together -- should we wait and see what happens, or move in together which will force the son to accept the reality of his father's new life?  Is there a book or audio tape you would recommend that might assist us.  If there is anyone else out there that has experienced the same situation, I would appreciate your feedback too.  Thank you!

[jstruttin]

helpme 43: I am 1/2 of a relationship that is going through the same thing. The only differance is, is that i am the B/F with the 8 yr. old son who won't accept my G/F. It has been one tough 1 1/2 yrs trust me. But i made up my mind that i will not let an 8 yr. old run my life, your B/F should also come to that conclusion. By no means did that happin overnite, but i was one of the lucky ones that had a beatiful and extremely smart woman come into my life. She helped me open my eyes to what was happing. You sound to me like you are also one of those women. Your B/F's son will either accept it or not, hopefully he will. My sons mother (my ex) is also not any help. She is as spoiled as he is. It all comes down to disipline and letting the child know who is the adult and who is in charge. Kids are manipulative little brutes and unless put in their spots will walk all over you. You say that you and your B/F what to move in together than do it. Don't let a 10 yr. old dictate what you do with your lives. Good luck and i hope you find the happiness you deserve.

[Jess1202]

It takes all children time to adjust to a new family arangement. The boys father needs to be the one giving the Discipline when he is with yall with you backing him up but not being the one enforcing the rules. Once he becomes more comfortable with the living arrangement you can start disciplining. You should both talk to the boy about moving in with one another first to show him that he is loved and wanted in the family and has some say in it all. Things like this takes a long time. Be patient and have faith. Good luck!

[czylady]

I am no expert thats for sure. I can say that we are in the same boat. My BF's son constantly verbally admits that he wants him and his mother to get back together. I have also discovered the mother bad mouthing me in front of him. Our situation is similar. My BF and I intend on getting married but have put all of our plans on hold (for now) until his 8 yr old son can come to realize that his mother and dad have no intention of getting back together. It has gotten so bad that we both agreed that I won't be around while he has vistation. I don't think that is the answer but all we got at the time. What I don't understand is how can a mother play mental games with their kids? It's like a vindictive act towards the dad (their ex's) One to remember tho its not the kid's fault. I don't know about you but the problem lies with in the mother. I see her with Doony purses and beautiful clothes and the little boy in holie jeans and ripped shirts. I hear him telling his dad that he needs crayons in school and mom won't buy them for me. I recently made a care package (crayons, coloring books ect.) and sent it to him and she sent it back. I want this child to be a mentally healthy and he can't be that when his mother is using him as a tool for manipulation towards us.

My advice to you, move in your new home with your sweetheart. Seal the deal. Hopfully the mother doesn't use that as ammo againist you. I think you need to finalize things for him to understand that the mom and dad isn't going to reunite.

Best of Luck to you!!!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

You clearly understand that this is a difficult situation for the boy. Most children whose parents have divorced continue to carry some hope that they will reunite. This hope is normal. Menawhile, life moves on and adjustments occur. Be patient and understanding, giving him time to make the adjustment. Already you are seeing positive signs, such as when he warms up after you've been together for a while. He, as all children, need discipline when they do not abide by the rules of the family. That is where limit setting and discipline come in, not around the issue of whether or not he accepts your presence. He should be required to treat you in a civil manner; that is a different issue from the degree to which he accepts your presence in his father's and his life. Relative to the matter of joining the families, you and your fiance need to do what is best for you in that regard. The children will adapt, regardless of when the change occurs.

[LiptonOriginal]

I would suggest the father get full custody of the little boy. The mother doing that is going to cause ALOT of emotional problems on the kid when he gets older which won't be good at all. It will also strain the relationship between father and son when the boy gets older.

I think if he got full custody the little boy would ajust to you better too and I just don't think he should be living in that enviroment.