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10-year old daughter cannot sleep in her own bed
My 10 year-old daughter cannot sleep by herself. I have tried to let her fall asleep in my bed and then I take her to her own bed; she will sleep until 12:30 or 1 am. She then comes to my room and wants me to tuck her in. I will and I lay there with her and sometimes fall asleep. If I get up and go to my room...she is there 2 hours later. I am not getting any sleep and it is annoying my husband. She also does this when she has sleepovers and when she sleeps at friend's house. She will call me in the middle of the night to pick her up. This all started about 1 year ago. She always stayed at her friend's house and never called and usually slept though the night. She says she does not know why she cannot sleep alone.
I was just helping someone else about their 12-year-old daughter having trouble sleeping.
It's important that you find out why she can't sleep by herself at night. Her coming to you in the middle of the night for sleep is a symptom to a core, root problem. Her wanting to sleep with you isn't the problem--there's a specific reason. If this problem can be identified, it will make things a lot easier as you can address it specifically. It's hard for us to help you if we don't know what the problem is. Here's some general ideas:
1. The usual problem to this is fear. They fear something out there and want to have someone else with them. It's natural as beings to understand the concept of safety in numbers, or being with the defensive mother. They are afraid something is "out there" and "out to get them". Strange noises they can't identify or rationalize with, because they believe that strange noises of the unknown precede the source of the scare.
I didn't have the fear of the Boogie Man under my bed (or under the second layer of my bunk bed when I slept on the top, which I preferred). I understood that there was no way something like that could hide under my bed when there's stuff down there (yes, I crammed things under there). I also knew that unless it opened my squeaky door (because I wake up very easily), it couldn't get into the bottom bunk. I could conceive these things and understand them. I also didn't believe in some classic tales about monsters anyhow. My fears were (and still are) specific to storms, such as tornadoes and being struck by lightning. I have slept downstairs on the floor behind a couch believing that I logically was more protected there than directly by the window with electronics all around me or running water (my room was next to the bathroom).
If storms are the source of the fear, consider moving the bed around the room in certain positions than what it may now be in. If its people coming in to kill her (a common fear and nightmare for young girls), consider where you have the bed in relation to the door. If it's monsters, consider what you have in the closet, the layout of the room (that could make reflections), as well as objects outside with the lighting.
I encouraged the father of the 12-year-old girl to give her a flashlight. This will allow her to investigate herself, and allow you to slowly pull back its usage by slowly restricting battery use. Explain she can't use it all the time.
2. A lesser-frequent issue is simple security. People keep schedules and walk familiar routes because they feel secure in doing so. It's natural and they don't think about safety. They like getting used to something and change is just too much of an invasion to the comfort zone. If she was used to sleeping with you, than it could be a security thing.
You can help this easily by introducing a body pillow, or, a lot of pillows. The absence of a human (or you, specifically) is replaced by something that can fill the gap.
3. Even less common is the idea I just came up with: what if she were used to sleeping with you by habit? It's just something she does out of habit. But it sounds like this has more to do with people than it does you, because when she sleeps over at a friends' house, there's no problem. This is usually because when there's a sleepover, the friends sleep together. If #2 suggestion doesn't seem to fit, then you can try the following in addition to the pillows:
If this is the case, you can begin by giving her an air mattress or sleeping bag in your room. If she comes to you, let her. When you put her back in her own bed, you take her from one extreme to another. Instead, put her in this new bedding or area. She's still in the room, but at least she's not in the same bed with you. Then try moving her to her own room from there. If that doesn't work, try to have her sleep on her own, but move the bedding into her room, and then sleep in the bedding. Gradually move the bedding away from the bed, and stay in the same room as her less often and less often.
If you are firm with her and just simply make it a rule that the two of you not sleep in the same room, you set yourself up for big issues when she grows up. She will believe that you have decided that it's time to throw her into the shark-infested water and she will have to learn how to get to safety by herself. It's a means of abandonment, and it can be damaging in a future relationship.
If you find out it's a combination of everything (and I highly doubt), don't panic. All of these ideas are easily merged together. Why not?
It's important that you find out why she can't sleep by herself at night. Her coming to you in the middle of the night for sleep is a symptom to a core, root problem. Her wanting to sleep with you isn't the problem--there's a specific reason. If this problem can be identified, it will make things a lot easier as you can address it specifically. It's hard for us to help you if we don't know what the problem is. Here's some general ideas:
1. The usual problem to this is fear. They fear something out there and want to have someone else with them. It's natural as beings to understand the concept of safety in numbers, or being with the defensive mother. They are afraid something is "out there" and "out to get them". Strange noises they can't identify or rationalize with, because they believe that strange noises of the unknown precede the source of the scare.
I didn't have the fear of the Boogie Man under my bed (or under the second layer of my bunk bed when I slept on the top, which I preferred). I understood that there was no way something like that could hide under my bed when there's stuff down there (yes, I crammed things under there). I also knew that unless it opened my squeaky door (because I wake up very easily), it couldn't get into the bottom bunk. I could conceive these things and understand them. I also didn't believe in some classic tales about monsters anyhow. My fears were (and still are) specific to storms, such as tornadoes and being struck by lightning. I have slept downstairs on the floor behind a couch believing that I logically was more protected there than directly by the window with electronics all around me or running water (my room was next to the bathroom).
If storms are the source of the fear, consider moving the bed around the room in certain positions than what it may now be in. If its people coming in to kill her (a common fear and nightmare for young girls), consider where you have the bed in relation to the door. If it's monsters, consider what you have in the closet, the layout of the room (that could make reflections), as well as objects outside with the lighting.
I encouraged the father of the 12-year-old girl to give her a flashlight. This will allow her to investigate herself, and allow you to slowly pull back its usage by slowly restricting battery use. Explain she can't use it all the time.
2. A lesser-frequent issue is simple security. People keep schedules and walk familiar routes because they feel secure in doing so. It's natural and they don't think about safety. They like getting used to something and change is just too much of an invasion to the comfort zone. If she was used to sleeping with you, than it could be a security thing.
You can help this easily by introducing a body pillow, or, a lot of pillows. The absence of a human (or you, specifically) is replaced by something that can fill the gap.
3. Even less common is the idea I just came up with: what if she were used to sleeping with you by habit? It's just something she does out of habit. But it sounds like this has more to do with people than it does you, because when she sleeps over at a friends' house, there's no problem. This is usually because when there's a sleepover, the friends sleep together. If #2 suggestion doesn't seem to fit, then you can try the following in addition to the pillows:
If this is the case, you can begin by giving her an air mattress or sleeping bag in your room. If she comes to you, let her. When you put her back in her own bed, you take her from one extreme to another. Instead, put her in this new bedding or area. She's still in the room, but at least she's not in the same bed with you. Then try moving her to her own room from there. If that doesn't work, try to have her sleep on her own, but move the bedding into her room, and then sleep in the bedding. Gradually move the bedding away from the bed, and stay in the same room as her less often and less often.
If you are firm with her and just simply make it a rule that the two of you not sleep in the same room, you set yourself up for big issues when she grows up. She will believe that you have decided that it's time to throw her into the shark-infested water and she will have to learn how to get to safety by herself. It's a means of abandonment, and it can be damaging in a future relationship.
If you find out it's a combination of everything (and I highly doubt), don't panic. All of these ideas are easily merged together. Why not?
sorry in my other comment i said i could sleep alone insted of sayn [''can'' it was i can't sorry i was tiping to fast and well i can't spell everything.
i am a ten year old and i can sleep alone and i understand does girls we can sleep at our beds becase well when we try to clear are minds some how we remember scary things like me i dont now but i am afraid of aliens and that 1 day they will come to our house but then i think they are so many houses on the world and i fell much better until,well i start to hear sounds then is when i go to my parents room
I have a ten year old daughter who was the very same way and sometimes still is. She has friends over and still ends up in my bed. I know how frustrating it can be and tiresome for the mom. I have let her leave the tv on to fall asleep with, encouraged her to read, put every stuffed animal imagineable in her bed, and she has gotten much better but she still does this quite often. She told me the other day she was afraid something was going to happen to me in the middle of the night thats why she can't sleep. I recently had a baby who is now 9months old and in my bed quite often too, so I understand the sleep deprevation completely. Don't give up she will find something thats comforts her, we purchased lava lamps, night lights, and re-did her bedroom and it seems she is finally comfortable in her room, but as i said she still does this about 2-3 a month and moreso when she has a friend over?? GOOD LUCK TO U
Then firmness may work tell her she has to stay in her own room as you have to sleep,not a good idea to let her fal;l asleep in your bed as you are sending mixed messages, if you dont want her to sleep with you, some Families do and it works for them , take her to bed and read some stories or let her read herself, then say goodnight and a hug, and leave the room, if she comes out to you in the night send her back, be firm and consistant she will realise you mean it.if you lay there again she will continue to do it and you will remain sleepless and disturb your Partner.
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