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10 year old son has rude, disrespectful behavior

Our 10 year old son is exceptionally rude, grumpy and disrespectful and defiant at home.  This tends to peak at half years, ie, has always been worse at 9 1/2 years of age than at 9 or at 10.  We've noticed this pattern since he was a toddler.  I've read lots of books, consulted with the school counselor, a Developmental Psychologist, etc. but we can't seem to get a handle on this.  School is a different story and always has been.  He is a wonderful student, a leader, teachers enjoy him and have great things to say about him.  They are always shocked when I share the difficulty that we experience at home.  None of this behavior is ever displayed at school.  He has many friends, plays sports and guitar.  He is a welcome guest at play dates.  Parents of his friends often comment on his polite behavior and again, are always surprised if I share details of his behavior at home.  

We also have an 8 year old son who does not display these same types of behavior.  Regarding our family life, these children have been raised in a stable, loving, 2 parent family.  We have many close friends and family members.  Everyone is puzzled by this kid, but again, the behaviors only occur within our immediate family.  Never, ever with friends or relatives.  

We are at our wits end.  When he's pleasant, he's so much fun to be around.  I've always said that he's 85% great but the 15% that hard is absolutely grueling.  With everything we've tried, we've never really made any significant difference.  We will have periods of relative peace which can last for a couple of months, but we can never pinpoint why this happens.  Just as we can never know what really sets him off.  

So.....what to do?  Grounding has not helped.  Taking things away doesn't seem to matter.   Talking about the impact of his behavior on other people, ie us, doesn't seem to matter to him.  He seems never to have remorse, just anger when consequences are imposed.  

Any ideas will be appreciated.  Thanks so very much.
Sandra
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Avatar universal
Has he had an ados done for asd it sounds possible?
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Avatar universal
so sorry Emma seems you are dealing with some complex emotional issues. Maybe she feels she can't share the only constant adult in her life. She seems to have gone through some major traumatic changes; being adopted then a guardian dies then joining another ready made family.  Maybe if there is a way of digging into her past I.e hereditary issues? Also she could be a child who has learnt to manipulate people to get what she wants? Maybe try that walking away after establishing boundaries then not get stressed amongst yourselves she probably worries if an adult is sick because of her past. Don't tell her mum is worried sick and stressed because of her probably she enjoys having that power. You do come across very mature yourself hopefully you find that peace and happiness. Take care
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973741 tn?1342342773
Ugh, sounds like a dreadful situation.  Sorry to hear this.  The 14 year old seems to out of control.  What does their father do about these things?  He's the key.  

Personally, I'm not sure I would want to tie my life to a situation like this.  Your husband's first priority is his children but sadly, you've ended up having to deal with a situation I would need to have resolved.  

Violence is never the answer and this boy punching is serious and a teen acting like this needs to be dealt with.  I'd strip his room, I'd take the gaming system away, I'd lay down the law.

Does he have some type of mental health or neurological issue you've not mentioned?  

Do you have kids of your own exposed to this?
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Avatar universal
Very true....I have 3step children been with my partner 4 years. The middle one is 14 is rude aggressive and gets obsessed about games etc. his 16 year old brother is the complete opposite and time and time again he gets really gobsmacked by his brothers demanding and argumentative attitude. Hits his 11 yr old sister and says his world ended when she was born. 11 yr old girl does throw tantrums and demands as she's dad's girl but the 14 yr old is something else. Says he hates his mum calls her an old hog, pushed violently out of her wheelchair. Calls dad fat useless etc plays ps3 and Xbox till dawn we try taking away things he moans and pesters for the next gadget just chucks the old one on the side. He's getting demerits at school like they are out of fashion. Punched his dad and threatened me for mentioning why it's important to try and get on with his mum. By the way his mum hates me (but I still feel pity for her)and blames for the breakdown of her marriage despite him having been round the block a few times before meeting up with me. I have been told I belong in a zoo, I'm extra baggage as I'm not blood couldn't care less for working and supporting him or doing stuff for them  and I'm a slapper etc
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Avatar universal
My son is exactly the same, apart from he has an older sister, I would love to know if everyone above managed to solve the problems, as now your children are older ?
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Avatar universal
Hi my posts are further down the thread if you want to read them.   I can completely understand what you're going through, I feel compassion for you as I'm going through nearly the same experience myself.  My daughter and I get on well the majority of the time and her bad behaviour is mostly copied off of her brother.   I love them both the same, but with my son it's difficult because of his terrible behaviour.   I love him, I just don't like the way his personality has headed.   Swearing at me, bullying me and his sister, breaking things.  I've called the police to try and frighten him into bucking up his ideas, had his uncle over here, trying to get some sense into him, I've been to children's services myself to try to get some help and I'm in the process now of going to CAMHS.  So that's pretty much where we're at.   I do eventually give in to him & my daughter I must say, but mostly my son, due to overwhelmingly relentlessness of him going on and on at me, breaking me down.  My son is still young, nearly 11, so I really do pray that our homelife will get better, because things cannot carry on this way.
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