10 year old son having problems with divorce

[Mangoes]

I have been separated from my husband for over 8 months. I started dating soon after the separation and my boyfriend recently moved in with me. I have split custody (1 week on 1 week off) of my two children daughter age 7, son age 10. When the kids are with me my boyfriend sleeps in his own room and the kids sleep with me. On occassion my daughter elects to sleep in her own room, but my son adamently refuses to. I have not pushed this issue since I know he needs the time and cuddling with me. I also don't want him to feel that my bf means more to me then they do.

My son has recently taken to policing my moves, he doesn't like it when me and bf kiss so we have limited our physical touches and kisses when the kids are there. Yesterday after I got out of the shower bf came in to give me a mug of tea and get some aspirin. My son imediately jumped out of bed and came in to see if I was dressed. He told me that he could not handle the thought of my bf seeing my privates.He said he feels like killing himself over this becasue the thought bothers him so much. He can not explain why he feels this way. He claims it is not jealousy, he doesn't feel like bf would hurt me in any way, he just can't handle the thought of this. He also said it would bother him just as much if his dad were to get a girl friend and be intimate with her.

My son is very intelligent, he has a very high IQ and although he is only in 5th grade his reading skills and comprehension are at an 11th grade levevl. He understands complex issues in ways that a 10 year old shouldn't have to deal with yet, so I really don't know how to tackle this problem. Although he is mentally very advanced for his age he is not emotionally advanced.

Any help would be appreciated, if you need more info let me know. Thanks

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Your son is having a very understandable reaction to the family crisis and the introduction of another man into the situation so soon. However, his reaction indicates some emotional upheaval and you would do him a service by getting him into therapy right away so he can be helped with his reactions. On your end, you really should not be allowing him to be sleeping with you. That is not going to help in the long run. Also, reconsider the custody arrangement. The sort of 50/50, one week on, one week off arrangement you describe is very unsettling for young children. I never recommend it because it involves too many transitions. Children of this age need a principle residence, even if it means either you or their father has somewhat less time with the children.

[Tula]

totally agree with the dr.  Remeber we are the example our children live by.  its not your words it your actions.  I went through a divorce 13 years ago and have four children which were ages 2 3 5 and 7 very hard on them.  the one thing i can recomend is alot of stability.  i dont want to push my beliefs on anyone but your boyfriend shouldn't be staying with you when the children are present.  its way to soon in my view.  im not judging you but they have been throuh a big trauma and need your full attention.  things take time and if you and your ex can be aimialbe and always do whats in the best interest of the children you will come out ahead.  I married almost 3 years after my divorce and blended 2 more children to the family my spouse and I always put the childrens needs first.  it wasn't easy because we had our relationship to work on too.  I really think divorce brings alot of fear to kids they suffer so much loss.  Its not the way God has planned marriage to be.  But GOd can take the bad in our life and turn it for his Good if we let him.  I dont know your situation but i pray that you would try it Gods way and watch what happens.  I dont know your faith Im a christian.  maybe if you dont go to church try finding a bible based church and that can help you get back on you feet.  alls i know if it werent for the Lord in my childrens and my life we wouldn't be the people we are today.  my husband and i met in church and had the commonality together.  It brought our kids alot of comfort.  In which God is the God of comfort.. I would encourage you to go to God for some answers His ways are the Best.  Good luck to you i will be praying for you and your children. God bless you a ton!!!  Go to a website called www.Joycemeyer.org she has alot of Godly advice on different topics.  go to Help for the hurting and maybe you can get some help there.  also you can request prayer for your situation.....