If our 7 year old had her way, she would be in our bed every night! It takes her a while to fall asleep. What we have done is let her and her sister fall asleep in our bed, but only on weekends, and only to fall asleep. Not sleep there the whole night. I know this idea may not help your situation, but it works for us. Our kids think of it as a "treat" to sleep in mommy and daddy's bed. My older one still tries to pull a fast one on us, using the bad dream excuse, but most of the time when she pulls this, she has not even fallen asleep yet. So, I am fairly positive she has not had a bad dream. I am firm with this arrangement and it works out well.
Just to let you know we had 2 nights in a row without waking up! We were firm with her and told her she was not allowed to sleep in our bed at all. We talked about the nightmares and told her that she would have to learn a way to go back to sleep. We suggested thinking of something fun. So far it seems towork. That and the fact that we told her until she was sleeping on her own she couldn't have anymore sleepovers.
I also did some more research on nightmares and found out some good tips. Don't feed your kids too late at night. Just like adults, children should have their last meal 2 to 3 hours before bed. They should also have a balanced portion of protein and carbs so they don't have blood sugar problems, which can contribute to sleeplessness. Having a set bedtime routine at the same time every night is supposed to help as well. And the obvious of not watching or reading anything scary before bed.
Hope this helps
Thirst
I would be very interested in how you are getting on with your 10 year old. I have exactly the same problem with my 9 year old daughter.
About 2 weeks ago, the situation became so bad that i stupidly said that she could go to sleep in our bed (as i wasn't able to leave her room until she was asleep at 11.30pm), but this is now the case in my room.
I personally feel that it would not work using reward charts etc. but would be so interested in how you are getting on.
Frances
Separation anxiety needn't be manifested across all settings - it can be confined to the bedtime/sleeping arena, as it is with your daughter. Your instinct already tells you what you need to do. Every time you cooperate with her wish, you reinforce the behavior and make it more difficult to change. Think of all the times this has occurred over the years - that is a lot of reinforcement. She sounds like a pretty high functioning child, and you can solve this on your own, but you have to be willing to bite the bullet. There is not a simple, stress-free way of remedying the situation. Setting up a reward system for staying in her bed will help, but at the bottom line you have to set a firm limit and stick with it. You have to disallow sleeping in your bed if this is get better. As a support to you and your daughter, you would do well to seek out help with a pediatric behavioral health/mental health professional. It might help you move through the process.