11 Yr Boy Constant Stealing & Lying

[tiffinTN]

I am new to this, but have ran out of options.  I am happily married for 5 years now.  Between my husband and I we have 4 children.  19, 17, 14 and 11.  All of the children are fantastic and have great qualities.  They are all brilliant in their own way and excel in academics.  The youngest (11 year old boy) had issues from the age of 3 when I came in the picture.  He was kicked out of every daycare we put him in.  Kicked out of 2 kindergarten classes.  (Due to behavior issues)  He had been retained in 2nd grade because he refused to do his work in class and at home.  He told teachers that we beat him, which is so far from the truth.  I have never spanked him, and my husband only does when necessary.  (Example, pulling his pants down in the middle of the classroom and pooped in the floor.) He is punished for that house, the behavior.  He has stolen from his teachers, our family, his siblings at his mother's, at church, the list goes on and on.  He then lies about what he has taken and never admits the truth.  He has gone to our neighbors home and told them that we don't feed him.  Told his mother that I beat him and sent him to school with rotten food in his lunchbox.  Again, this list goes on and on.  Last night while picking his jacket up off the floor, an object feel out of his pocket, and to my disgust he had gone through the trash can in the bathroom and got out a used female item.  I didn't even know what to say.  I was in so much shock that I just sent him to bed(It was his bedtime).  I spoke to his father regarding the most recent issue and he doesn't seem to think there is a reason to be alarmed as far as his stealing.  He is a wonderful father to all the children and there isn't anything that he or I do that separate "his" kids verses "my" kids.  They are all our children.  My husband has made the comment that he just gives up with him.  Of course I encourage him to see the brighter side of things which is difficult when I don't know what to do at this point.  We are both lucky enough to run our own businesses therefore we are home when the children are, but this issue has caused many problems with the siblings as he lies about something they said or did to him and Dad always seems to think that he is being picked on within our home.  He was diagnosed with ADHD and is on medicine,  which helped a lot with school, but he is still failing almost all classes.  We have decided to do counseling but cant get him in for a month due to insurance reasons.  I am just so frustrated and it seems that the conversations my husband and I have are always negative regarding the issues we have to resolve with him.  PLEASE HELP.  Any advice given prior to counseling will be the utmost appreciated.

[Sandman2]

        I am reading through your post and thinking, geez, this are all the symptoms of ADHD (of course,being the CL here- http://www.medhelp.org/forums/ADD---ADHD/show/175) I see this all the time.
         So I was not surprised when I got down to the end and saw the diagnosis.   Nor was I surprised at your problems.  I have seen that a lot too.  It really is very common (believe it or not).  You are dealing with something that you have no experience with.  The standard techniques for discipline go out the window when dealing with ADHD.
         The key is information.  Lots and lots of information.  That is one reason why counseling will help.  Make sure that at least one of you is involved.  You really need the info at this point more then he does.
        The first thing is that you must realize that the medication while helpful, is no magic fix.  It cannot fix 5 years of not getting the material at school.  He is probably very behind in many subjects, and he cannot make that up over night.  Also, do you have a 504 plan or an IEP for him?  That is crucial.
        Wow, there are so many things to say, Its hard to know where to start. Well, stop the spanking, would be the first.
         So lets start with what can help at home.   This site has a huge amount of resources that you will find helpful.  Read as much of them as you can!  Everyone can help you.  But the link I am sending deals with discipline at home.  It will make all of your lives easier.  The link is - http://www.additudemag.com/resource-center/adhd-parenting-discipline-behavior.html
        Oh, I also should mention that doctors typically start a child off at the lowest dose of medication and wait for parent feedback to know when to increase the dose.  Many times, the parents have not been properly informed as what to expect and stop the increase too soon.  You didn't say which medication he is on - but this chart lists the length of duration for all the meds.  If the medication does not last as long as it should, then an increase might be needed.  http://www.leeheymd.com/charts/adhd_1.html
      The main thing is that both your husband and you need to be on the same wavelength (well, this is true for any type of child changing behavioral methods).  Once both of you understand what is going on with him, you will see a big change in your household.   So, actually, unless, he wants to do a lot of reading - both of you should be involved in the counseling.  
      I hope this helps.   Please feel free to ask more questions either here or on the ADHD site which I also monitor.   Best wishes.