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1328507 tn?1275073545

11 year old girl out of Control

I need help and fast! My daughter is now 11 years old and I've tried almost every tyoe of disipline and it still don't make a difference. I tried the whole if you do this you will get that, if you don't behave there are consequences " losing privleges, groundings, lose of important items. These methods only work for a day or less then she don't don't care any more. I try to give her little chores to do around the house and it's nothing but a constant fight and it never gets done right I have to either make her re-do it or I get so frustrated I have to do it myself. She dis respects my husband, me, and everyone else that may come over and she is constantly bullying her younger brothers. I am at my wits end how do you help your child that  just won't learn her place in the family and is so totally difiant that nothing ever fazes her. Please I need some real help and just to let you know this behaviour is at school also not just at home or with us.


This discussion is related to 11 year old baby.
14 Responses
13167 tn?1327197724
I don't think you're dealing with behaviors so much,  but personality difficulties.

Has she always been disagreeable or is this kind of new?  I wonder if she's got preteen hormones out of whack,  or is suffering from depression?
1328507 tn?1275073545
She has been this way for several years now and seen Doctors, therapist and other resources and all they want to do is drug her up, they don't understand that I think this is a life style choice that she is making because the medication makes it worse. This has been going on since she was about 5 or 6 years old and I still can't find a solution.
Avatar universal
I think RockRose is on to something - personality difficulties.  This can be a mental health issue as well - you might wish to google the phrase "personality disorders in children" or similar words/phrases to see if any of the descriptions remind you of your daughter.  This could be why the medications do not work - medications probably were prescribed for emotional and/or mood disorders and not personality disorders.  Personality disorders tend not to be diagnosed until adulthood as many doctors feel that these disorders only take effect once the "personality" is developed.  Today, many researchers are tending to disagree with this idea (and frankly, so do I).  I really doubt your daughter is choosing to make this a "life style choice".  Anyway, just an opinion ....
1328507 tn?1275073545
there is also a website attaced to this topis on the let hand side the total transformatic and that website hit the nail right on the head for discribing my child but I will also look into personality disorders. Thank you and please keep the comments coming any help is great because I truely need it.
189897 tn?1441130118
COMMUNITY LEADER
  One of the problems is that you said, "These methods only work for a day or less then she don't don't care any more."  First, this is pretty classic stuff - make the parents feel like it isn't working and they will try something else - and after awhile they give up.  
  You are trying to change a behavior.  If it is a learned behavior, it doesn't change overnight.  Experts say that it will take about 3 weeks of constant cause and effect - for the kid to get the message - and change.  Remember that you are trying to change something that has been going on for quite awhile.  Its like trying to break a habit - try and do that overnight.  A good book that describes in detail how to change these behaviors is, "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark.
  You said that she also has this behavior at school.  How are her grades?  Is she intelligent and manipulating the system, ie. good grades, but poor citizenship?  Or is she intelligent, but not doing well?  Or does she struggle with everything she does?  What do her teachers say.  What did her teachers last year say.  They have the advantage of seeing a lot of kids.  If she was really bad at school, I would think that they would have been looking at some testing - unless, of course, she was doing well academically.
  Essentially, you really haven't given enough information to pin down the problem.  It could range from ADHD to a kid bright enough to manipulate those around her, to other   ------
     OK, wait, I just read your post where you said, " She has been this way for several years now and seen Doctors, therapist and other resources and all they want to do is drug her up, they don't understand that I think this is a life style choice that she is making because the medication makes it worse. This has been going on since she was about 5 or 6 years old and I still can't find a solution. "  
    This is classic ADHD reaction by doctors.  If it is ADHD, it is NOT a lifestyle choice.  She has no choice in what she is doing.  You do.  YOU need to find out more about ADHD.  The fastest way is this link - http://www.medhelp.org/medical-information/show/2157/Attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-ADHD?page=1#sec_3761.
  I would also highly suggest you immediately order the book -  "The ADD/ ADHD Answer book," by Susan Ashley.  So you can find out that there are other ways besides drugging your child.  You need to look into behavioral therapy.  Its not a lot different than what I was talking about in the first paragraph - - it will work with ADHD kids, it just takes a lot longer.
  One other thought, you blame all this on a life style choice- 5 year old kids don't make lifestyle choices.  11 year olds- still pretty early, but by 14 - definitely.  You don't have a lot of time left!   So far nothing you have tried has apparently worked.  Don't you think its time to try something else?  Research ADHD - Its not that there are more solutions than just drugs, its that the whole way of effective discipline changes.  Find a pediatric psychiatrist that is willing to spend time with you and your child.  There is not an easy over night fix, but it can be done.  Good Luck
189897 tn?1441130118
COMMUNITY LEADER
  Oh, I noticed you also said, " the medication makes it worse."  Sounds like you only tried one thing?  What did you try?  How old was she?  What kind of a doctor prescribed it?
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189897 tn?1441130118
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