2 Year old Making her self throw up when dad leaves her at daycare

[FrustratedDCP]

I have a 2 yo daycare girl that screams and crys and actually makes herself throw up when her dad leaves her here.  She is perfectly fine a few minutes later and she does NOT do this when her mom brings her.  I think she has seperation anxiety and her dad is making it worse by consoling her and picking her up, then telling her he is leaving, and picking her up again when she crys.  He stayed for over 15 minutes today.  What can I try to make things better for her?  I even told the parents to try a new daycare and they don't want to so I am guessing that she does some of this at home to.

[Agiesmom]

I kind of felt lost when I first started to stay home (while pregnant--I was working at a home daycare and kept getting sick and my ob/gyn told me that if my job isn't putting food on the table, I should quit so I stop getting sick).  Anyway...it was hard.  I was ingrained in the whole mentality of identifying who I was with what I did for a living.  When our son was a toddler, I remember going to a barbecue that one of my husband's coworkers had--two different women who worked for the company came up to me at different times during the course of the afternoon and started a conversation with me.  All went well until they asked me what I "did".  When I told one, her face dropped and she saw someone else she had to say "hi" to and she excused herself.  The other went on about how bored she'd be staying home with her kids and how rewarding her career was.  I felt awful that day.  It wasn't until I surrounded myself with like-minded women in the same situation that I felt better and not so lost.  I knew in my heart that my job was WAY more important than theirs, but that's not what society believes--it's not what they believed.

This is where I think new SAHMs struggle--I think many women have become like men in that they identify who they are by their careers.  It seems to me that the pendulum is swinging back to society respecting moms being home with their children, but when my 12 yo was a baby, it wasn't like that.  It may still be like that now, but I simply am not around people who make me feel bad about being home with my baby, so I really wouldn't know for certain.

And I have similar memories to RR's--my mom was home and loving and played games with us and let us play with the hose and eat popsicles and she took us sledding and plopped down and made snow angels with us and she raked piles of leaves for us to play in and she handmade all our Halloween costumes and she was my Girl Scout troop leader and she was just very, very involved.  Perhaps my view of this topic would be different if I had experienced something different growing up.

I'm sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings.  I do understand that different people have different life experiences and different situations warrant different choices.

[jenstam]

Thanks RR.

I agree. Discussions like these don't have to be disagreements. It is always good to see both sides. I cannot say that I disagree with anything I have read here. I am in the middle. RR and Peek, you have both, IMO, added some very valuable insight.

[RockRose]

By and large, I really think grandparents ( and also usually sisters and sisters in law) are great.  

I do understand that many women feel disconnected when they are at home,  and they feel like they don't get much adult time.  Here's again,  where experiences are different.  When my first was born,  there was a new mother network where you could come and sit on the floor in a big carpeted room and chat.  They had lists of resources for joining playgroups,  museums,  etc.,  and where to meet other mothers.  I was very connected,  and did things with other moms and kids probably 4 days a week.  If you don't jump right into that,  it would be terribly lonely.  So I get that.

I wish you the best in your decision,  Jen.

[tiredbuthappy]

i agree that if we continue this discussion in this tone, it can be both interesting and insightful ... but i'll have to chime in later. gotta get a fence estimate...

[jenstam]

I grew up in two very, very different worlds, which probably explains why I am so torn between both worlds now.

I was raised first by two abusive (to each other) drunk/drug addicts. Finally, after my father nearly beat my mother to death in front of me, they divorced (THANK GOD). Then, because my mother was a drunk/drug addict single mother, she went to work two full time jobs and we never really saw her much. When we did see her, she was drunk. She was in and out of treatment.

BUT, while all of this was happening, most of the time we were cared for by my loving grandparents. Church goers, active in the community, married for nearly 60 years before my grandfather passed a few years ago. My grandmother never worked outside of the home until he passed. She made us meals, taught us lessons, took us to church and helped support my sick mother. Their other three daughters all married, are still married, successful and happy. My mother is the black sheep.

My whole life I have taken hold of the lessons my grandmother taught me and resented my mother. I have always strived to be like grandma. She is a saint and I am so blessed to have had her there to help ease the mess my parents made of their lives.

[jenstam]

Oops, I meant "interacting with the children", not "interfering with the children"! :\

And my last paragraph...I realize these circumstances are hard to come by. Most families don't have friends and family willing to help with their children and a lot of women don't have men at all. If they do, not all help with household duties. I'm just stating that that scenario, in my opinion, would be the perfect one for myself.

I would absolutely love to find employment where I can be home more. I currently work FT and I am so tired. I am actively seeking part time employment and have decided not to continue my education beyond the AA degree I just got. It takes too much time away from my family, which is my number ONE priority. I would love to have more time at the family table having meals, praying and sharing stories about our day. We try to connect at least two or three times during the week at the dinner table for prayer and "highs and lows" of our day, but to me it isn't quite enough. I want more. We have been fortunate to have family and friends carry us through our sons first year of life so that we don't have daycare costs and don't have to worry about him being in some strangers care. But, come September, we are faced with a very tough decision. I can either quit working, or stick our infant son in daycare. I don't want either. I have three weeks to figure it out. I'm so, so torn. The thought of someone other than a very, very trusted family or friend caring for him makes me panic. I just don't think I can do it. It doesn't feel right.