Why is my 5 year old step daugther scare of me ?

[Kath1992]

So about a year ago my step daughther moved in with us. I also have a baby thats about to turn 2. I dont even hit her i just yell at her when she dosent listen. Wich i know is not good workinh on that.she act worst then my 2 year old sje ask like a bsby n i dont know what to do i am just getting so fustrated because is sometjing every day. My marrihe is also going down hill because of her  i dont know what to do  any sugestion how is a five year old suppose to act

[specialmom]

Hello.  I know it is hard with a 5 year old and 2 year old.  Those years when kids are young like that are tiring!  And we can become very frustrated. My good friend and I did this thing because we wanted to be nice and calm mommy's--  we pretended in our heads (I know, but it worked) that there was a tv camera broadcasting us at home or that the window was open and a bunch of people were outside.  Kind of makes you think twice about how you handle things.  Try it, I swear it is effective!  You can give yourself a little break and walk away for a few minutes when you feel yourself getting upset.  Do some deep breathing.  Snap a rubber band on your wrist.  These all can help you remain in control of yourself.  

Also, keeping in mind how a 5 year old may feel.  And a five year old leaving one home to go to another with a woman and a baby there.  And darn, that baby sure is cute?  Is that baby cuter than me?  she gets a lot of attention, etc. etc. etc. Little ones can feel jealous and vulnerable.  And she may feel that way.  My suggestion is to plan some special things with just you and her.  And then dad plans some special things with just him and her. And then there are things for the whole family.  That way, she feels special.  Your two year old won't care.  Too little to be paying attention to that.  But this could make the 5 year old feel a little more secure in her position in the family.  

Kids really like to do the right thing often.  Lay on the praise every time she does anything right.  She'll do more of the good stuff.  You can use beans in a jar.  She gets a bean for doing the right thing (with a long list of what would be good like getting something you ask for, sitting down at snack time, being nice to your 2 year old, etc.) and then she an lose a bean with a much shorter list of what you aren't happy with.  There should be a fair amount of things you let go without everything being irritating to you.  think of it as putting things in the bucket.  Bucket A is the things you are wanting.  bucket B are the things you let go and realize that parents need to problem solve because a lot of what a 5 year old does that is annoying to a parent is pretty normal and typical behavior for that age and then bucket C which is the things you get upset about.  Bucket C needs to be the smallest bucket.  (little visual for you to help).  

What things is she doing that is annoying you?

[Kath1992]

Thank you

[Nighthawk61]

STARTING A THERAPEUTIC PROGRAM FOR HER TO ADJUST TO HER NEW LIVING ARRANGEMENTS, WITH A BLENDED FAMILY, WILL HELP HER NOW SO THAT SHE GET'S ALONG BETTER WITH YOUR CHILD. AND FEELS IMPORTANT. It's hard on kids to have the attention taken from them for a new sibling. You can get her to have the right attitude with your child in the future, so that they can develop well together. There are so many good reasons why a child psychologist in this case can help. Too many to mention here.

[Nighthawk61]

NOT ONLY AN OBJECTIVE 3RD PARTY (LIKE YOU GET HERE ON MEDHELP) BUT A PROFESSIONALLY DESIGNATED CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST THAT HAS STUDIED AND IS LICENSED TO DEAL WITH ALL THINGS KIDS. YOU CAN END UP BEING THE HERO TO THIS LITTLE GIRL, AND OTHERWISE, YOU COULD BE IN FOR 20 YEARS OF HELL WATCHING THIS LITTLE GIRL FAIL AT RELATIONSHIPS, SCHOOL ETC. ETC.

PLEASE GET HER THE REAL PROFESSIONAL HELP THAT SHE NEEDS, IT WON'T TAKE MUCH TIME OR MONEY, EVEN A FEW APPOINTMENTS WILL MAKE A HUGE DIFFERENCE TO HER. AND IT WILL SET HER UP WITH TRUST FOR THOSE IN AUTHORITY AND SHE'LL BE MUCH MORE RELAXED AND ABLE TO TALK TO SCHOOL COUNSELORS IF SHE'S HAVING A PROBLEM.

[Nighthawk61]

Also, i just read again that this young girl has moved in with you. Can you imagine how hard it is for a little girl or boy, to be separated from their own mother? I can only imagine what led to this. This little girl is having a difficult time with her separation from her mom, i guarantee you. Maybe the best way to deal with this is to talk to a Child Psychologist, and maybe they will suggest that the little girl get's some help for herself, to manage her emotions and what she's going through? It's got to be so hard on her, and because you HAVE yelled at her, you've brokent her TRUST IN YOU FOR NOW ANYWAYS, I THINK YOU'LL BE ABLE TO GET IT BACK IF YOU INTRODUCE A CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST AND LET HER KNOW THAT YOU DO EMPATHIZE WITH HER MISSING HER MOTHER (EVEN IF HER MOTHER WAS A BAD MOTHER). Please think about this option, it might help her alot before she get's into the responsibilities that will be hers in school. In other words, she may do way better IN SCHOOL, IF YOU ARE ABLE TO LET HER HAVE A VOICE, LET A PROFESSIONAL GET HER TO TALK ABOUT HER FEELINGS ABOUT ALL THINGS , YOU  THE LOSS OF LIVING WITH HER MOTHER, MAYBE HER MOM DIED?

This interest that you've shown is GREAT. I COMMEND YOU FOR WRITING IN TO US. KEEP UP THE MOMENTUM AND GET HER TO A CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST JUST SO THAT SHE CAN TALK TO AN OBJECTIVE 3RD PARTY. AND YOU'LL WIN HER TRUST AND LOVE FOREVER. SHE DESERVES TO HAVE THIS DONE FOR HER.

THATS WHAT I'D DO ANYWAYS. YOU'RE IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS. PLEASE LET US KNOW HOW YOU'RE MANAGING DEALING WITH THIS IN A NEW AND PROGRESSIVE WAY. OKAY?

[Kath1992]

I really do apreciate and i axtally been trying for a child phycologist  because of wverything shes been havent to witness and stuff.  I dont yell at her alot  actally n i want to het hwr amd me both a little help especially since i nevwr had a 5 year old bit thank you so much for the infermatio

[Nighthawk61]

Well, i'm really excited 'cuz with some help, you and her can become fast friends. I'm so happy that you are both going to sit down with another and work it out. She really needs you in her life even if she can't tell you that, she will one day. You'll get so much credit for treating this child like your own. I'm so happy you came here to talk about it. THAT means EVERYTHING - it shows how much you care. All the best and please let us know when things get better and how you did it. Have a great weekend.

[Nighthawk61]

People used to say " kid's don't come with directions" but that's a false  - there's literally thousands of articles you can read for free  by YOU asking the right questions like you did here on Medhelp (and thank you for your post and your interest in this little girl who may be having a very difficult time blending families, when all she ever wanted probably was to have her parent's together.

What to Do When Your Kids Won't Listen to Reason
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How to Talk to Kids | Ask Dr. Sears
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Listen to how kids communicate with each other and take note. When your child shows that glazed, disinterested look, you are no longer being understood. 5. Ask Your Child to Repeat the Request Back to You. If he can't, it's too long or too complicated. 6. Make an Offer the Child Can't Refuse. You can reason with a two or ...
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Sep 27, 2012 - Kids this age are wired to argue, says Michael Bradley, Ed.D., author of When Things Get Crazy With Your Teen. "It's actually a healthy phase of development," he explains. "If a kid says, 'Why should I put it away? I'm just going to pick it up again on the way out,' he's thinking for himself in a new way.
How to Win Over Stubborn Children | Parenting
https://www.parenting.com/article/how-win-over-stubborn-children
Read our tips for dealing with stubborn behavior (Hint: All it takes is a little reverse psychology to get an obstinate kid to see things your way.)
The Real Reason Why Parents Yell at Their Kids. And How to Stop.
https://themilitarywifeandmom.com/why-parents-yell-at-their-kids/
Learn the number one reason parents yell. Plus, a quick 2-step method for how to stop yelling and get your kids to listen and follow directions.
14 Ways to Tame Your Kid's Tantrums - Parents Magazine
https://www.parents.com › ... › 14 Ways to Tame Your Kid's Tantrums
Try offering her the option of sitting on a bench or in the car while she settles down. For some kids, having choices like these can help, especially if a lack of control is the reason behind the outburst. Post-tantrum, follow through with the original demand that started the fit in the first place. If she got upset because you told her ...
How To Help Your Child With Anger - Aha Parenting.com
www.ahaparenting.com/blog/What_To_Do_When_Your_Child_Gets_Angry
Jan 22, 2018 - "The truth about rage is that it only dissolves when it is really heard and understood, without reservation." - Carl Rogers. Many parents send an angry child to her room to "calm down." After all, what else can we do? We certainly can't reason with her when she's furious. It's no time to teach lessons or ask for ...
The Reason Why Children Are 800% Worse When Their Mothers Are ...
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I hope you enjoyed reading The Reason Why Children Are 800% Worse When Their Mothers Are Around. If you are interested in reading more about my blog, please take a look at my latest articles. I am a mom blogger who loves to share creative and healthy fun food ideas, family activities, natural remedies, parenting ...
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Feb 21, 2018 - Based on his experience, Gottman believes parents shouldn't argue within hearing range of their children. Among other evidence as to why that's important, Gottman cites research from Notre Dame University psychologist E. Mark Cummings. One of Cummings' studies on the subject of arguing — and he's ...

HAVE FUN LEARNING ABOUT THIS. IT'S INTERESTING, BUT THIS IS ABOUT YOU LEARNING HOW TO TALK TO THIS STEP CHILD. IN A WAY THAT WILL HAVE HER LOVE YOU AND RESPECT YOU FOREVER. YOU MIGHT AS WELL DO IT RIGHT AND SAVE YOURSELF REGRET AND HER MALADJUSTED BEHAVIOUR.

[Nighthawk61]

Here's part of an article on EMPATHETIC LISTENING from HuffPost that you can read if you copy and paste part of this article into your browser.

This is all about what’s known as empathic listening. It is amazing how it can help ease tensions in the household. When you’re talking to your kids, or even immersed in an argument with them, try this: simply attempt to listen out for their feelings and needs. Maybe even ask them (without interrupting) what their feelings and needs actually are. With little kids, you can help them articulate their feelings and needs. So when my daughter was small and having a tantrum, I used to say to her something like, “Are you feeling upset because I’m not taking you to the park right now?” And even if I was totally wrong about the reason, she immediately calmed down and we could talk about it properly.

So step one is to inject a bit of empathic listening into your parenting style.

Watch the video: How to practise empathic listening with kids

[Nighthawk61]

I'M SORRY IT WILL SCAR ANOTHER WOMEN'S CHILD. You need help if you think that it is going to help to yell at a child. And, there is help. Lots's of help. fee help on the internet for instance.

Here's a bit from an article online........

Children rely on their parents for learning. If anger and associated aggression like shouting is part of what a child perceives as “normal” in their family, their behavior will reflect that. Author and parent educator Laura Markham, Ph.D., has a straightforward message: Your number one job as a parent, after assuring the safety of your children, is to manage your own emotions.

The Effects of Yelling
If you’ve ever been yelled at, you know that a loud voice does not make the message clearer. Your children are no different. Shouting will make them tune out and discipline will be harder, since each time you raise your voice lowers their receptivity.

[Nighthawk61]

ON TOP OF IT, THIS IS NOT YOUR CHILD. this is another women's child How would you feel if another women came into your child's life, and yelled at them constantly _ you said everyday it's something new. What if they hit them? Abuse is abuse, whether it's yelling or hitting, it all is abuse and it all will scar your child.

[Nighthawk61]

Yelling at a 5 year old, is terribly frightening to them. No 5 year old is going to be able to shake that off. Even if you scare them into doing what you want, you'll have broken their spirit and they can have problems with those in authority at the most crucial time in their lives. . I think you should talk to a  child psychologist and read a whole lot of books, often parenting books are free on kijiji. I got a whole set of them.

When my son was little, he was a great kid. I never had to "discipline" him. You don't have to discipline kids if you have developed a way of communication with them that they hear what you're saying, not yelling. Children are extremely intelligent, they just have not found their words yet.

You can explain everything to a 5 year old, granted, they might get a little out of control having their own fun, and forgetting anyone is around, in which case you can tell them to take a time out and lead with a question, like "why do you think that you shouldn't pull the cat's tail? First of all, pretend you are the cat, and someone thats' 10x your size, comes and pulls your hair or pulls your arm. Would you like that? We are supposed to love and protect our animals because they are like children. They are completely dependent on us. Meaning, they need us to do things for them so they can live. So please sweetheart, sit down and write out how you would feel if someone came and pulled your hair. It takes patience to raise young children, and some parent's aren't able to have the foresight that everything they do is being very carefully watched by the children they are raising and everything they do has high impact on their personalities.  Do you yell a lot with your husband, is this the way you communicate with your partner? This will only make the child in shock and when people are in shock, they cannot think things through.

Please remember, YOU CAN CATCH MORE FLIES WITH HONEY THAN WITH VINEGAR. You must teach your children intelligently, or they will respond to you like they would a bully in the school yard. Hope this isn't too hard to hear, but yelling is emotional abuse.