Okay, so, first of all, I must issue some disclaimers and truths about my particular situation. I've always known I'm not 'mother of the year' material. I'm not the super involved mom that takes her kid everywhere and signs him up for every little thing he's interested in. Nor am I the mom that is constantly super lovey with her kid. I'm a regular mom. In reading a lot of these posts about behavioral issues such as the one I'm about to explain, I've come to realize that I may not be paying as much attention to my son as I should be, and I'm now certain that there are things he's been exposed to that are likely contributing to his behavior.
My son is 3-1/2. He's exceptionally intelligent for his age, and he's also much taller and stronger than average. About maybe as big as the average 6 year old. As a child, I was spanked, but never beaten. My ex-husband and I agreed after repeated attempts at alternate methods of discipline, (i.e. timeouts, talking, etc.) that we would try spanking since it worked on both of us when we were kids. He's never been 'abused', but he's our only son, we hadn't planned on having him, and there are times when there's a lot of exasperated yelling that accompanies the spankings. I also live with my parents and younger sister right now, and while my father is fairly even-tempered, my mom and sister have much shorter fuses, so when my son is out of line in their presence, they will 'take charge' and discipline my son with a lot of yelling. My authority as a mother is frequently undermined, and I feel my son has a real lack of respect for me already at 3, because my methods of discipline are gradual--talking first, timeouts next, and spanking last.
Lately, he's been pushing his limits with repeating an uncouth action in my presence to 'test' my reactions, yelling back at me not to talk to him that way and tell him to stop doing said action. I've been fairly consistent, but of course, there are days where my temper is quicker than usual and I'll spank first. Now, I know that there are many people on each side of the fence with the issue of spanking, and I've always heard both arguments, even if I didn't always take one side's particular advice. I have always felt that it is my responsibility to find a (humane and non-abusive) method that works for me and my child, regardless of what anyone else tells me. What works for one kid may not work for mine. Having said that, I've become incredibly confused at the fact that most recently, I seem to have lost control of how to diffuse certain behaviors.
We have three animals in my house. A dog, cat and bird. The cat and bird belong to my sister, and we rarely see the cat, while the bird is normally in his cage hanging from the ceiling in the dining room. For some reason, he's fine with the dog. But when he sees the cat, he seems to think that it's okay to pull her tail to drag her back out of hiding, and a few days ago, he picked her up under her front legs, and she wound up on her neck upside down in his lap. He was calm and content with her laying on the bed next to him, and she just lays there--doesn't bother anyone. I stepped out of the room and around the corner for a moment, and I heard a garbled 'meow'. Stepped back in and found the cat in his lap upside down. I asked what he was doing and rescued the cat, and he said, "I made her meow!" as if he was satisfied with what he'd done. I laid the cat down on the bed, and she just flopped over, breathing heavily and her eyes wide open, pupils dilated. I called for my sister, who came in with teeth gnashing, irate that my son had terrorized her 17 year old cat. She ordered him out of the room and told him never to touch the cat again. He left, crying, and I doubt that he understood that he was hurting the cat.
Tonight, however, as we were frantically trying to finish cleaning house for tomorrow's holiday company, my son was running around the house playing with the dog. Nothing out of the ordinary. During the cleaning frenzy, my mother removed the bird from his hook in the dining room and put him on a table in the office near the back bedrooms so he was out of the way. I didn't notice during the flurry that my mom had put the bird there. Well, while my son was running, he went to 'hide' from the dog in the office and discovered that the bird was within reach. Suddenly, I heard squawking, and rushed toward the noise to find my son holding the bird with both hands, all the bird's tail feathers plucked, a broken wing and a broken leg. As I scooped the bird away, I asked what he was doing, and he said, "I made the birdie go tweet tweet tweet!" Perhaps I'm delusional, but again, I don't believe he understood the rammifications of his actions, especially since the bird did not bite him in the melee. When I took him away, however, I was tagged by a sharp beak, which drew blood, I yelped, and both my parents and sister came running.
In another chaotic display of disarray, everyone is snapping orders at how to recapture the bird, as I'd dropped him when he bit me, and all but a stunned me were now screaming "bad boy" type-words at my son, who, I'm sure was just as surprised and confused as I was. He began to wail and cry, and I ushered him out of the room and into mine to sit him down and try to calm him some. My father, who has always favored my son, was so disgruntled, told my son never to speak to him again and repeated 'never', a snarl on his face as he stomped down the steps.
Now, everyone here, including myself, has slipped up with questionable language in front of my son. This display, in not so many words, tipped me over, and forced me to overcome my own frustration, anger, sadness and disgust, but made me want to scream at everyone who was berating my son. I did not, but did reinforce the words that had described how it was bad to have hurt the bird.
I must include a medical history, as well. I am bi-polar II, OCD, and disabled with a barely manageable broken back, which also caused me to have a partial stroke 2 years ago. (I'm only 29 years old.) I've been classified disabled ever since, so I've been home with my son every day. I was also recently diagnosed with cervical cancer, which has been tough on my body and psyche. While I'm still capable of caring for my son, it is extremely difficult, and there are days where my energy levels are so low that I can hardly keep up with him. My father is retired, so he's here to help me from day to day if I need it.
Being that I haven't worked and disability benefits barely pay the bills, I obviously can't afford to live on my own, hence my current situation; and I have explored every possibility to break free of the confines that be, to no avail. Life's hard, but I keep going because I have a son to be here for.
Now, because I'm home every day, my son has not been in daycare and has had little interaction with other children, with the exception of family functions, which are few and far between. I've taken him to free 'open gym' sessions in my community, and he doesn't seem to play nicely with the other children his age. He seems to bully them, which has frightened me into not bringing him back, for fear that the activity supervisors will ask me to remove him anyway.
Consider my circumstances.....between my medical conditions (which may be hereditary?), the lack of social interaction, and the overall environment, despite my love and attention, what should I be doing to 'curb' the behavior for which I'm concerned? Of course, I don't want him to be an animal terrorist, and he needs to play nicely with other children. In general, he's a typical 3 year old. All other behavior is considered normal on the authority of his pediatrician, including the repetitious testing of boundaries and yelling back at me. But I feel as though I'm doing something horribly wrong as a parent. Any help is appreciated. Thanks.