3 1/2 year old boy holding in BM, an act of rebellion?

[Jen.carroll.]

After three months of doing his BMs in the toilet, my three and a half year old son is now asking for a diaper or holding it in until he does it in his pants. Now he yells, screams and cries whenever he has to have a BM.  We have tried offering rewards which works until he gets the reward and then he goes back to holding it in again.  Nothing significant has happenend in our lives recently (he has a 7 month old sister) to account for this behaviour which I feel is more an act of defiance or rebellion then an actual toilet trainning issue.  How do I deal with this?

[feltz]

A related discussion, Hiding BM was started.

[ladiejl]

My EIGHT year old has been seeing a therapist because of this and other problems.  His dad takes him and since we are divorced, the info I get is limited.  However, one thing he did pass on to me was that the therapist said he may suffer from {encopresis}. {http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Encopresis}
This does sound a lot like my son.  Think back to when he was just starting to become aware of his ability to control his BMs. Did he say it hurt when he went?  Did you notice him straining?  Were the stools hard and clay-like?  Were you ever told by a phycisian to give him small doses of laxatives or to add juice or Karo syrup to his diet/bottles? After thinking back, I remembered having all these things happen when my son was younger.  Of course you dont have as far back to think as I and these things would be more fresh in your mind.  Imagine washing do-do out of an 8 year olds underwear or finding crusty underwear hid under the bed....not to mention the dirty clothes you just picked up a pile off......... : (  !!! We would get so mad about this and punish him.  Now I've realized we punished him for something he may not be able to control. I applaude you for questioning this now and not five years from now.
     On the other hand, in the back of my mind I wonder why he does NOT do it at school and why he DOES do it when hes sitting in the floor playing at home and is just a room away from a toilet?  It seems to be two different types of behavior to me but who could say for sure? People say its a deviant act but then why do it when they are happy and getting their way? I've deduced some of the times my son does it to be because he's so engrossed in what hes doing (hes SO active but not hyper), that he just doesn't want to take the time out to go.
     If I were you, I would first the info about encopresis. Next, I would track him, his behavior and his BM's for about a month. Then I would go see a doctor who my son was REALLY comfortable with and tell him/her about this. Remember how we feel about going and having these type of problems seen about.  So have a talk with him before going and give him a BIG reward after because he could feel really embarressed and any test could make him feel very scared and uncomfortable just as they do us.
    Good luck and I hope you get this taken care of before he turns eight!  As a side note and not to be funny, make sure he doesn't start flushing his dirty underwear as a way of hiding that he's done it from you! My son can have 20 pair and two weeks later, have about 10.  Where do they go???  I may find them one day when my septic tank has to be pumped!
     Lots of love to him!
BTW, my ex has total control over my son's medical bills.  I could take him to any doc I wanted to but the bill still goes to him. Otherwise I would have taken him already to a medical doctor.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

This is a frequent question in this Forum, and if you explore prior postings you will find some helpful information. While it is possible that your son is behaving in this fashion as an expression of defiance or independence, it is very unlikely. It is more probable that he has had some painful bowel movements due to hardened stool secondary to constipation. Have you had him checked out medically? If not, arrange an appointment with his pediatrician. In approximately 80-90% of such cases, a child avoids the toilet because of worry about pain. It also happens that children make some progress in toilet training and then regress a bit, before resuming mastery of this developmental task. In other words, while he may have appeared to have accomplished toilet training, he may not not actually have accomplished the task 100%. If this is the case, be patient and suportive, and be sure to reward him for successful use of the toilet.