3 Year old - Divorce effect

[rochellehm]

I got served with divorced papers by my husband over a month ago.  He came into the house with 3 strange men.  Served me and him and the men immediately started packing his belongings and packed the furniture he wanted into a truck.  Dad has a 16 year old daughter, which was my stepdaughter, he immediately started packing her belongings and told her to get into the truck.  My 3 year was in the house while this was happening and she was frantic, crying asking why the men are taking our things "why is daddy taking my sister away?", "Why is daddy angry?" Why is
daddy taking the tv"  She kept on asking these questions while all of this was happening.  She was crying, running around, I eventually caught her and held her and we were crying together with the 16 year old saying our goodbuys.  The dad ignored everything and he left with his 16 year old daughter.  We did not hear from him for 5 days.  He then started making demands on a visitation schedule for 3 days with him, 3 days with me.  I refused, since this is would cause even more stress in my daughter's life, since he was an absent father as well as her grandmother (my mom) is watching her during the day while I work, since she was born.  To take her away from what she knows would have devistated her.  We agreed to a on night during the week sleepover and him seeing her every other weekend.  He has access to call her every night, which he does but she is now refusing to speak to him on the phone.  She screams and yells and says "no I dont want to speak to daddy."  She also, more than once a day, will say that "daddy was mean, he took all our stuff"... if she cannot find a toy, she will say "daddy and the men took my toys."  I know that the dad served me and her observing the chaos that night and the change has affected her tremendously.  My question is, will it have such an effect on her for me to get professional help for her?  And to what extend will this effect her?  Any other suggestions on visitation?  

[specialmom]

I agree with Margypops----  I would also say that you could tell her that he didn't take the things away but moved them to his place and she can see all of those same things there.  She's lost nothing.  It is hard to swallow how we really feel for our kids but that is what has to happen.  Put on a happy face and try to be business like and friendly with the X as this will make it all go more smoothly.  We can't control others, only ourselves.  She will forget this on the outward but has internalized this uprooting of family.  Keep making her feel VERY secure in any way you can think of.  Don't bash dad or give her any reason to fear something.  Sorry for the situation.  It would be nice if the dad would let you correspond with his daughter too via email, mail or phone at least.  Good luck.

[margypops]

her mom....your mom  sorry

[margypops]

You are right that all this chaos has affected her, she is with you it would be best not to let her see or hear you talking about it a lot, I know thats hard but it is the 2 sides battling affecting her, the trauma of seeing her big sister leave isnt happy, but at 3 children accept a lot of things, I feel it is within your power to make sure everything goes smoothly from now on.I also think children fare better when both parents are in their life so its a good idea ,for her sake, to work out a visitation, she will also get to see her sister. If she didnt hear any stuff about him she wouldnt say things like you describe so go easy on the talk with her around she is hearing you possibly talking to her Mom. It must have also been traumatic for you to have it happen in the way you describe, I feel sorry that he felt the need to be so dramatic it certainly hasnt helped,however that has past, its time to think of your child and allow her to forget what happened I dont think she needs counselling but if she continues to be upset speak to your Doctor .Good Luck