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3 yr old Behavior Normal or Not
My 3 year old son can be so sweet and loving one minute and then if he is told to do something he does not want to do and told not to do he turns into an outrage. (crying, yelling, hitting, throwing something, making noises) it is not the exact thing everytime but usually falls into one of those categories. On top of that he is extremely stubborn, time out does not work at all, I can pop him on the hand or butt and would not phase him at all - we have to spank him with a belt to get his attention or he will keep doing what he was doing. When we get on to him he immediately starts. It has gotten so embarassing to even go in public, he is fine as long as he gets his way. His screaming, whining, and crying has got to stop. He constantly whines weather it is asking to do something or go somewhere. I do believe that yelling a a child is no no, but he gets to us so bad that we both find our selves yelling. My 4 1/2 year old daughter even beggs not to take Dylan anywhere because everyone stares at him for crying and not getting his way. Is this normal behavior? If it is, I don't ever see anyone elses kids like this.
I am having such a hard time disciplining my 3 yr old. Spanking, time outs nothing works!! He just laughs in our face. My husband and I have now started with soap on his mouth. But even that doesn't stop him sometimes. He gets in these really crazy moods where he just doesn't stop. I need so e aihhestions
Hi there... I have not read all of the posts above but from one of your posts I think you are expecting too much from your three year old. Something like getting the child to do an activity with the older child and then afterwards telling the child that he should not stand in toy bins, etc. I think it is too much instruction for him to handle. Can you let him just do what he wants some day and not necessarily put him in a routine and see how he gets on? Perhaps he just wants to process out his own thoughts and actions in his own time
Dont feel bad about spanking your child. Whoever stated in a post earlier,"spare the rod, spoil the child" is exactly right. Time-outs just dont have the same effect. Maybe thats one of the reasons our world has turned into what it has today. I spank my almost 3 year old daughter with a wooden spoon. I was spanked when I was little. Myself and 2 other siblings turned out fine. We all have good morals, good jobs, and respect others. Something that kids today LACK. I feel there is a definite line- yes there are people who abuse their children, but to smack their butt when they are misbehaving, is perfectly ok. The only advice I can give is to be consistent. I know its hard at the end of the day- being consistent takes a lot of patience and effort and it can be EXHAUSTING. I still work at it with my daughter every day, but I believe one of these days she will eventually get it.
I just read your previous entries. Wondering how things have been with your son? I too have a 3 year old son and your experiences are just like mine have been. He is certainly a "strong willed child". Very charming one minute and mean the next. He preschool teacher don't see this side of him, which most people don't. This disobient behavior is mostly at home or when I (mommy) is around.
UPDATE ON MY ISSUE .... It has now been over a month since we finally visited the dr. regarding behavior issues .... Dr. scheduled an appointment during his lunch hour so that he could evaluate. He through an unholy fit right there in the dr. (he was not in the room so I did not think anything was going on, but he was taking note to what triggered him and note to how we went about disapline to him.) He came into the room finally after being in their for about an hour and then told us that when you say what we said about him being extremely stubborn and punishment not working (all the above mentioned previously.) that people you tell dont really know because they have not seen on hand that this is NOT a NORMAL behavior for a 3 three year old. He said that some children are just exemely STRONG WILLED and that is what Dylan is (said you dont know what one is until you have one). On a normal child the disapline we used would work. He gave me an excellent book to read and a behavior punishment and reward program to go by ... thought I would share to help any other parents out their that is in our shoes. Simple make a set of family rules ... post it on a poster board (he said even though he cannot read that it still would help.) along with a paddle, wooden spoon, belt (your choice) ... make him understand that these are our rules and if they are broken then he gets read the rule he broke from the rules board, goes to the timeout room (his bedroom is now just a bed and chest, all toys were moved to a playroom along with his dresser, so that he would not stand on top and jump.) and gets a SPANKING with the wooden spoon hanging above our rules (our choice) Dr. showed us how to spank our child on his own leg ...if interested ... said you spank one hard time right where the crack of the leg and bottom meet), the shut the door (which is now locked from the outside and we put his baby camera back in there to see what he is doing) after he is through with his tantrum then we go in there and give him a hug, tell him that we love him, and that we do not do what ever the rule was that he did wrong and ask him to say sorry if he hurt someone. Now if he is good for a period of time (not all day long - impossible for any three year old) he gets a prize out of the good jar, which is filled with sickers, matchbox cars, and other small toys and candy. ... This seems to be working great, he still has days, but would more less say any three year old does we just had to have an action plan that everyone was on and does the same thing. Dont get me wrong it did not happen over night, like the doctor said the first day will be the hardest could be about 50 times and then the 2nd day less and so on and so on. Now he knows that we mean what we say or he is going to have to pay the concequence for breaking rules. Sometimes we will remind him of a rule if it is not a big deal and ask him to stop or he will have to go to the timeout spot and usually straightens right up. The down fall of all this is we have a daughter who we can just usually threaten and she straightens up.... Dr. said does not matter, everyone has to be on the same disapline plan. If we go off we carry a set of our family rules and if he acts up then everyone else gets to stay and have fun and he will be taken out of the resuraunt or where ever with either mommy or daddy and the carseat turns into the time out room until he has straightened up and then he gets to come back inside ... we have only had to do this one time and he did not like the fact that everyone else got to eat dinner inside the restuarant and daddy and him ate dinner in the car. (he did get to come in and eat dessert inside because he did staighten up). Also not sure if I mentioned make sure everyone calls the rule broke the same thing and in simple toddler terms. (No, hitting) I obey your laws & rules for all my ways are known to you PSALM 119:168.
I am not going to criticize you for hitting your 3 yo w/ a belt but I will say that it wont help. Screaming wont help. You need to distract or use reverse pyscology with him. When he says I want something at the store tell him that you already got it and it is home in the cupboard. I do this and by the time we get home they forgot what they wanted and they stop the freak out in the store. I didn't know any other way to deal with it. My kids are 5 and 3 and they still act up occassionaly in the store but I found that if I lay the ground rules down in the car in the parking lot of the store before we go in by saying "look, mommy just needs to get a few things in the store, if you want to go in the store with me again this is how you are going to act, NO RUNNING, NO YELLING, NO CRYING and stay by me walking calmly. If after I am done getting what I need to get when we are in the checkout and you were good throughout the store I will reward you by getting you something in the checkout lane." This seems to work wonders as well. I hope this helps and good luck.
The yelling, screaming, crying and so forth are very very normal. We call it terrible twos, but no one ever says that it prolongs into threes. Spanking a three year old with a belt is a bit much. It seems to work yes because it hurts more than anything, but remember, this child will get use to the belt growing up, and it will be nothing to him by the time he is eight or nine, and you just may need it then. A three year old understands certain things to a certain extent, and yes they can act out to get their way. But understand, you do not under any circumstances have to give him what he wants. I have acheived diciplining my child by taking things away. You start with his favorite toys. Start putting them away and show him that he cannot play with these toys anymore until he behaves. Show him that your putting them in a garbage bag, yet hide them and do not let him see where you have hid them. Tell him when he does something good, one toy will come back. if he continues to be bad he will not see them again. Once he is bad again he toy will go back. You also have to have a time out corner or a room. If he acts up and starts kicking screaming, put him in that room, if he comes out put him back again, if he comes out again, put him back, this may take two to three hours.... but he will soon realize mommy and daddy means business and then he will say, they are really not going to give up. Any time you discipline a child you make sure you tell him or her why she is getting punished, and what she or he could have done to not have gotten in trouble. Understand when there is nothing to play with, they will start wanting their toys if they act up, its the time out room, and we can do that all day. Try it. It will not happen over night.
I feel as if spanking with the hand, rather than an object, gives you a sort of "reference of power/feeling" as to whether you are striking too hard or not enough. If the swat hurts your hand and your child seems excessively upset, then maybe you have spanked too hard; the opposite would be true as well, in regards to swatting too lightly and the child disregards the action completely. I say do what works for you in your situation. If you are getting no results from what you are trying, then it's possible that you should try a new set of tricks. Consistency and predictability are key in great parenting! Best of luck to you! --(from a mom of a very difficult 3yo, too).
CALM DOWN, MAN . . . golly if grandpa had been as high strung as you we would have all been in trouble . . . 1. It is NOT (I repeat with emphasis NOT) illegal to spank your children. Having worked in criminal defense for 17 years, I KNOW THIS AS A FACT. 2. I said mine are grown, I have no 3 year old to spank, thanks for the offer. 3. Ever heard the old saying "don't bite the hand that feeds you"? YOU DON'T HIT WITH IT, EITHER. 4. My daughter knows that I have and give good advise, she chose to seek opinions of other INTELECTUAL people, please . . .this was not for you . . . SHE WAS TALKING TO THE LADY WITH A SIMILAR PROBLEM. Finally, in case you didn't read my daughter's response to YOU, BOOOOYAAAA---GRANDPA!
Look I am big enough to know when I need advice and when I dont. My mother has great advice and I always listen to what my mother has to say but....(BUT)....it never hurts to get a 2nd opinion. Thats what I was doing...I ME I wanted to see if this kind of behavior is normal and you know what I got my answer but guess what it was not from you!
Having raised 3, YUP, I CAN condone it . . .. AS LONG AS YOU REMEMBER THAT THE CHILD IS 3 . . . you wouldn't, obviously, want to "beat" him! Additionally, discipline begins at birth, at 3 . . .they know how to manipulate, they should learn . . . QUICKLY . . .NOT to do it!
Once again, your comment floors me! IT IS NOT ILLEGAL TO SPANK YOUR CHILDREN. Now. It is illegal to "beat" them or "abuse" them. But NOT to spank them.
I appreciate your comments to MY DAUGHTER, but the Bible STILL says "spare the rod, spoil the child". Nowhere does it say to beat them, but it DOES SAY, "SPARE THE ROD, SPOIL THE CHILD".
One more thing, in my daughter's defense . . . so to speak . . . . SHE TURNED OUT TO BE A GREAT PERSON! I just wanted you to know this because I can only imagine (and remember my own) the things that may be going through your head with your own little ones! I spank, I hugged, I cried, I yelled (probably more than I should have - IT DOES NOT WORK!), I prayed and even thought about running away . . .. I now have 2 GREAT GALS and, well, we are all 3 working on the baby of 17yrs!
I am the 19 yearolds' mother who has been talking with you. I do not believe that you are entirely wrong for using "the belt". It does not sound like you beat either of your children. I raised 3 girls (the dad that Ashley speaks of was my b/f for 10 years and the only "daddy" she had in her life). There were no instruction booklets or input from family and friends to speak of, so I was basically left to "figure it out". Spanking may have worked with one, the other needed hugs, yet the other needed time out! Go figure! No two children, either in the same family or not, are the same or will respond to the same discipline or otherwise! That is a fact of life. Having now completed the process of raising my three, I can look back and see (very clearly, I might add) just what did and DID NOT work. I didn't spank much, becaue I felt guilty. I was mom, dad, blablabla . . .albeit I loved every minute of it, some days were more difficult than others.
My suggestion to you is, do what you are doing! Explore new ideas and other avenues. It one doesn't work, try another. But give each one there due time. Remember, it does take time and one day you will look back and think . . ."Wow, I wish I had known that then"! xoxoxoxo to you and your family!
My suggestion to you is, do what you are doing! Explore new ideas and other avenues. It one doesn't work, try another. But give each one there due time. Remember, it does take time and one day you will look back and think . . ."Wow, I wish I had known that then"! xoxoxoxo to you and your family!
Well I thought about what you said all evening and come to this, for you to call me sick I think is wrong. Just to put to maybe make things clear when I say spank it is one very light pop on the bottom with the belt. Since nobody has agreed and you started your formum about the belt my husband & I decided not to use it no more. I would never ever want anyone to think I beat my kids or child services to ever take my children away I just thought that it was ok being the fact my dr. said that a pop on the but with a belt would get his attention if it came down to it. And if wondering, my daughter does not get disaplined this way - she has been lightly poped maybe five times with a hand on her bottom in her life, because time out works for her. I told my husband that I posted a forum for help and what was suggested and what was said, he agreed that the method we are using know is not working , so the belt is gone and going to try the no spanking at all method to see how that works. I guess I want to thank you for your posts even though they were throat cutting. I will give update in a few weeks to tell how he is doing. We do hug, kiss, play, sing, read, and have fun with my kids but they do get extra extra attention after they get in trouble and maybe the one on one attention afterward is triggering him to act like this.
I understand where everyone is coming from but I am a strong believer in spankings...my mother never done that with me and I turned out not so good. My dad got killed in 03 and that hurt so bad and still does and I have yet to cope with it! When that happened I turned to METH..and POT..and COKE and I got kicked out of school my 11th grade year in high school and I was a great student. I had straight A's and I was a basketball player and a track runner. I never done anything wrong I was a great kid! Now I kinda know how the baby is feeling but then again I dont. I had my mother and she was always there. The baby and his mother lived with my boyfriends dad and the mother worked at hooters and she would get home very late and she was never there with him. When she got home from work she would wake the baby up and take him downstairs and give him milk shake. He grown acustom to that. Now the baby has lived with me and myboyfriend now for 2 months and he has opened up soooo much..(he never would talk to anyone) now he will talk to every one! He will go right up and say his whole name and just talk! He never ate when he lived with his mother he has gained so much weight because I make him sit there and eat every bite of his food. He never use to eat. So I think that he is much better with us than with his mother. My boyfriend is NOT consistant with what he say to the baby. Example: We went to the store an the baby wanted to get on daddys sholders and he told him NO like 3 times and then gives in. Tell me if I am wrong here...IF YOU SAY NO THEN THATS WHAT YOU SHOULD MEAN NOT GIVE IN EVERY TIME. Now an I wrong???? I think the reson he hits himself is becuae his mother use to do that **** too. The mother and the baby lived with my boyfriends dad and his wife and his 2 kids the are the ages 5 yr old boy and a 4 yr old girl. The little girl saw the babys mother hit herself and say i am going to die. Now the little girl went to the baby and told him that she saw his mommy hit herself. I think thats where he gets that from. The baby love us and he knows that we love him that not a problem. He just dont listen!!!! Example: Last night I woke up an heard the baby yelling for his daddy, I get up and go in his room and see what he needs, he tells me that he wants to watch a movie (now I dont believe in the TV when he is going to bed) So I ask him what moive and he tells me which one and I looked for that movie but it was not there so I told him that it is not there and he had to pick a different one. Well he started to pick one but never got that far before he started throwing a fit...He screamed and yelled and kicked and called names. I told him if you are going to be ugly then you get no movie and the TV goes off..so he kept on yelling and etc. so I turned the TV off an left the room well when I left the room he started name calling.." you stupid idiot" so I went in there and popped his mouth and say you do not call me names then I left again and then he done the same thing (name calling) so I dont the same thing..Then he started kicking me and slapping me so i took his hand and popped his hand and told him you DO NOT HIT ME!!! He kept on so when he hit me I popped him. He finally stoped hitting an name calling but still yelling so I made him stand up on the floor..well that didnt work so I woke daddy up..I told daddy he get up I need some help and he told me no (I dont think he was awake yet) So he gets up and goes in the room and tells the baby that its enough he needs to calm down but he dont listen he daddy gets the belt and just hits it on the bed and told the baby I we need you to dry it up and stop yelling and he did. Now after all of that I told the daddy that I did NOT want the TV back on and he told me to put one on anyway so I did. Now do you see how if I tell him one thing that the daddy does something different? How do i over come this? I have never been in this place before I am only 19. I need some kind of help.
If you can get him to calm down with the Santa threats, it sounds like he's a child who can be reasoned with, at least partially.
If hitting him with a belt isn't working at all, why does your boyfriend keep doing it? I swear, I never get that - some parents just get some nutty idea in their head and they won't shake it loose, and they keep doing and doing and doing the same thing that doesn't work. Actually, in some ways it "works" for your boyfriend because when you get that frustrated with a child, it must feel a little good to whale on them. But that doesn't help anything, and it's harmful for the child.
One of my favorite sayings on discipline is, "do you want revenge, or do you want to change behavior?" So often, changing the behavior doesn't involve punishing at all, it's a different way of doing things.
For example. Buy a timer of some kind, maybe something that comes in a game, some cute thing. An egg timer from the grocery store, whatever. In a calm time, tell him you understand he gets really frustrated and angry (and you often get really frustrated and angry too, so you understand) but it's important he learn to calm himself down because he can't be allowed to scream like this. Tell him when he has a tantrum, he has 3 minutes by the timer to finish it, and during that three minutes he can scream all he wants. Tell him I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS. Maybe a small hourglass thing might be best - so he can actually watch the time easily. At the end of the three minutes, that's it, he needs to have calmed down. If not . . some kind of sanction. No bubble gum. No TV, something. If he DOES manage to reign it in, even kind of hit the goal, give him LOTS of praise! You did it! I KNEW YOU COULD.
Sounds also like you need a good book. I recommend Brazelton, but others may have a different book idea.
http://www.amazon.com/Discipline-Brazelton-Way-T-Berry/dp/0738207837
If hitting him with a belt isn't working at all, why does your boyfriend keep doing it? I swear, I never get that - some parents just get some nutty idea in their head and they won't shake it loose, and they keep doing and doing and doing the same thing that doesn't work. Actually, in some ways it "works" for your boyfriend because when you get that frustrated with a child, it must feel a little good to whale on them. But that doesn't help anything, and it's harmful for the child.
One of my favorite sayings on discipline is, "do you want revenge, or do you want to change behavior?" So often, changing the behavior doesn't involve punishing at all, it's a different way of doing things.
For example. Buy a timer of some kind, maybe something that comes in a game, some cute thing. An egg timer from the grocery store, whatever. In a calm time, tell him you understand he gets really frustrated and angry (and you often get really frustrated and angry too, so you understand) but it's important he learn to calm himself down because he can't be allowed to scream like this. Tell him when he has a tantrum, he has 3 minutes by the timer to finish it, and during that three minutes he can scream all he wants. Tell him I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS. Maybe a small hourglass thing might be best - so he can actually watch the time easily. At the end of the three minutes, that's it, he needs to have calmed down. If not . . some kind of sanction. No bubble gum. No TV, something. If he DOES manage to reign it in, even kind of hit the goal, give him LOTS of praise! You did it! I KNEW YOU COULD.
Sounds also like you need a good book. I recommend Brazelton, but others may have a different book idea.
http://www.amazon.com/Discipline-Brazelton-Way-T-Berry/dp/0738207837
Maybe you should show him these posts. Maybe if he sees how others think he will see how serious it is.
I have told my boyfriend not to hit him with a belt but he does not listen to me! When I start to tell him my opinion he gets pissed he thinks that I am putting him down and that is not it at all! No I have tried to go in there an lay with him but he will not stop not matter what I do or the daddy! The only thing that has worked kinda is the Santa thing...I have told the daddy that we may need to go to counseling, he just tells me I will look in to it. The baby lived with his mother for one 2 weeks out of the month nad the daddy had him the rest..and now she has gone nuts she has been in and out of jail for 2 months and in a mentail hospital! We are getting custody now! He never talks about him momma. I dont know what to do I am not a mother and this is all new to me! I just need some help!
Your son (or boyfriends son) is traumatized. You need to stop hitting him with a belt or anything else! He is already traumatized! He is out of control because his world is out of control. I wrote to you on your other post, but please get this poor child into counseling. And stop threatening him with Santa. Let the poor child have something he can rely on. He probably already feels like things have been taken from him (ie. his mother). Don't threaten him that Santa will take away something too.
Next time he wakes up screaming, wrap him up in a blanket, take him out to a rocker in a dimly lit room and rock him. He needs love and affection right now. He needs peace and calm. He needs to know that the people he loves the most aren't going to just up and leave him. He needs stability and lots and lots of love! Please be patient with him and give him time and love. That's the best thing you can do for him.
Next time he wakes up screaming, wrap him up in a blanket, take him out to a rocker in a dimly lit room and rock him. He needs love and affection right now. He needs peace and calm. He needs to know that the people he loves the most aren't going to just up and leave him. He needs stability and lots and lots of love! Please be patient with him and give him time and love. That's the best thing you can do for him.
I have the same problem that you do but the baby is 4. He throws his fits and does not stop for hours..he will throw things and hit himself and bit himself and do all of these crazy things that I have never seen before and it dont matter how many times we spank him with the belt he never stops! Now I dont hit him cause I am not the real mommy she is in jail and has been for 2 months! Maybe thats why cause he has not seen or talked to her in 2 months! But we cant even talk to him he does not look at us he covers his eyes and never cries he just screams! We never get any sleep he wakes us up every night just yelling! I have no idea what to do anymore..we have talked to him very calm and we keep telling him that Santa is watching him and when he is ugly santa takes one toy back. So do you have any comments? We need some help like something I have never seen before!
I can't believe your pediatrician would have told you it was ok to use a belt on a three year old! I have a three year old and I look at how little he is and can't even imagine! The only time I've ever even spanked (if you want to call it that) is when he has broken away from me in a parking lot or run towards the street, which scares me to death! I will run after him, give him like two swats on the bottom and get down on his level and tell him firmly that's it's not ok to run away from me and that he could have been hurt badly by a car. Then I will walk him back. I always make sure I remain calm, though. It's important that we as the adults and parents remain calm. If we want to train our kids to learn self-control, then we have to show them self-control.
My mom used to come flying at me screaming and slapping and I'd block her slaps, but didn't dream of trying to hit her back. However, I lost respect for her because she would just lose it. I swore I'd never be like her. The only time I was ever tempted to slap one of my kids was when I had a mouthy teenager talking back to me. I looked at him and walked away. I pride myself on keeping control. My kids have a better relationship with me than I did with my mom, too.I talk to them a lot. My mom never did. Make sure you have a good relationship with your kids and talk to them. Thats the best thing you can do.
My mom used to come flying at me screaming and slapping and I'd block her slaps, but didn't dream of trying to hit her back. However, I lost respect for her because she would just lose it. I swore I'd never be like her. The only time I was ever tempted to slap one of my kids was when I had a mouthy teenager talking back to me. I looked at him and walked away. I pride myself on keeping control. My kids have a better relationship with me than I did with my mom, too.I talk to them a lot. My mom never did. Make sure you have a good relationship with your kids and talk to them. Thats the best thing you can do.
Mommy who needs help - since you've been hitting him with a belt, has his behavior gotten much better? If so, it's probably working, and I don't see why you would need to post on a board for help.
Does this method actually seem to work - i.e., in general he's learning to control himself? Or does it just work for the 45 minutes after you hit him?
Does this method actually seem to work - i.e., in general he's learning to control himself? Or does it just work for the 45 minutes after you hit him?
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