4 year old's impossible behavior

[love2bemom]

My 4 year old son used to be polite, cooperative, and compassionate. Then I had to put him in daycare, and his whole personality seemed to change. After 5 months I took him and his brothers out of daycare and now I stay home with them. I thought that after a while, his behavior would go back to normal, but it's only gotten progressively worse. He constantly gets into food, just stuffs himself, eats anything he can get his hands on in the pantry or fridge. We've tried locks on the doors and fridge, but he just breaks them to get in. (He does not have weight issues, thankfully. He is very healthy). He is fed a normal breakfast, lunch and dinner with two snacks per day. I make sure he has plenty to eat, so I don't know why he does this. We are on a very tight budget and can't afford to keep replacing groceries at this rate. Aside from this odd behavior, he gets into things he's not supposed to (like pouring entire bottles of bubble bath in the carpet, grounding creams and nail polish into the carpet, etc), he refuses to listen or obey the rules, and he's gotten mean (calling me names, being very belligerent and occasionally violent, etc.). He also has sudden angry outbursts where he starts screaming, hitting, and throwing things, usually over a very small matter. Just so you know, my kids are not unsupervised. He manages to do all this while I'm in the bathroom or shower, or getting dressed. I don't feel like I can even take a five minute shower anymore without worrying what he'll do in the meantime. Putting things out of reach doesn't help; he just climbs on whatever he can find. Gates don't work either. I don't understand what's happening to my son. No amount of discipline, punishment, or heart to hearts are having any impact. I'm at my wits end. His behavior is starting to rub off on his little brother and I can't handle two of them acting this way. Could there be something wrong with him emotionally, or is this typical behavior for his age? This just doesn't seem normal to me.

[love2bemom]

Thank you so much.... I spoke with a friend of mine who works with kids with mental and behavioral problems, and she helped me so much. She said it sounds like he has a little bit of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder stemming from when my husband left us a couple years ago and we were separated for a year. Ever since my son has had serious separation anxiety. But mostly she thought it sounded like he had Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). I looked up the symptoms and he has every single one! She gave me some advice on how to handle a child with ODD, and I'm working on implementing her suggestions. Now that I feel better prepared, I am making another appointment with our doctor for testing, and I'm going to ask for a referral to a child psychiatrist. We can't afford it, but somehow we'll have to scrape the money together...for all of our sakes. I hope it will help, because I know my son is a sweet child with a huge heart, and I would like to see him learn to cope with everything better so that can come out more.

[margypops]

I am sorry you sound overwhelmed, Does the 4 yearold ,some of his behavior does sound as if he is trying to get more attention, children will do negative things if they find its getting them attention,,Why not send this one child to pre school or daycare that would keep him busy some of the time. Children usually act out when they are upset what does his Dad say about his behavior?

[Twelvesgirl]

Hi! I really don't have a whole lotta advice for you, I'm in a similar boat. I have 3 kids, oldest daughter, 6 -special needs, seizures, developmentally disabled, 100% dependent.  Step twins- step daughter 4, bio-son 4. My son is having some behavioural issues as well, I shower once a week due to the same things your speaking of! We do need to take care of ourselves also! I really just wanted to remind you again to hold to your faith, because that is all I know what to do. In my family there are some other issues, so we will be seeking out therapy, but I have heard things about allergies and dietary changes as well, those things may help? Just wanted to let you know that you've not gone wrong anywhere, it is just a hard job. Keep your head up, and go take a shower!!!! Sorry I can't advise you!

[love2bemom]

This is really good advice...something I would love to do. Unfortunately it's not that easy. I have four children, ages 5, 4, almost 3, and 5 months. (The three oldest are all boys, and they are buddies). But whenever I try to take them places, they run wild...and in all different directions. I cannot keep up with all of them, because to chase after one means to leave the others unsupervised. I don't have family nearby, my friends all work during the day and spend the evenings with their families, and my husband would rather sit in front of the computer than spend any time with us (believe me, it's a source of contention). The most socialization they get is at the YMCA in the Kid Zone and at church. I'm pretty much on my own here (and not for lack of trying).

We play games, color, do learning activities, build forts, put on puppet shows, do art projects, they help me cook...I keep my kids busy because I think it's important for them to be well-rounded and happily occupied. I feel like I've done everything I can, and I just don't understand why he's acting like this. This was never a problem before....seriously, his whole personality and behavior patterns just took a total 180 within a two-week period. They are supervised as much as humanly possible. But I cannot watch them 24/7. I do have to use the restroom, I do have to practice hygiene, and I do have to sleep. And these are the times that he strikes.

I do praise him (and his brothers) for positive behaviors, and we talk about how it's more fun to make good decisions because it makes everybody happy and because it makes you feel good about yourself, and how when we make bad decisions it makes people sad and we feel disappointed with ourselves. We also have a system where they get a quarter for good behaviors (we call them behavior bucks), such as cleaning their room, helping each other, sharing their toys, using their manners, not fighting, etc. At the end of each week we go to the Dollar Store and they get to buy something with their money they've earned. I also take turns taking each of them out for an outing, just the two of us, every Sunday afternoon so I get one on one time with each of them. My parents were never really actively involved with me when I was growing up, and I've worked hard not to be that kind of parent. I am an actively involved mom and my kids are my world. I can't figure out where I've gone wrong.

Something else I guess I should've mentioned is that when I ask him why he does these things, he sometimes says "Because the man told me to." I have no idea what he's talking about. I have spoken to our doctor about all of this, but he seems to think it's normal 4-year old behavior. But this just doesn't seem normal to me, and I just feel so overwhelmed.

[margypops]

Instead of the idea of punishing and disciplne how about you try making sure he has enough to do, games and outside activities, weather permitting, get Dad involved with some guy time,if you supervise him he wont be able to go into the fridge and pour stuff on the carpets , sounds like his is bored and in need of more to occupy him most of what you describe wont happen if you are in the room,perhaps his little brother gets more attention and he is trying to get some by acting out,Focus on his positive side and praise him when you see him doing something right. Ask his Dad to set aside some time each evening for him to play some games, how about you take him to parks and make some friends for him to play with.