5 year old and potty training dilema

[pizana]

My son is basically potty trained.  He has gone as long as 13 days without an accident, but then he'll go through a stage where we deficates and/or urinates on himself 1-2 times, several days in a row.  I am divorced, his father participates, but is very controlling.  My son is his middle child and he always idolized our older child.  His youngest lives with him and his girlfriend (wife?).  He asks my children to lie to me regularly.  When we were still married, he told me that his father wanted to shower with my then 18 month son and that his sister wanted to bath with him.  He showed concern then. . .  I've taken my boys to a Ph.D. and they say that there is no sign of abuse.  So for all I know, he could have told me that because he knew it would cause a rift between me and his parents. . .  His family regularly buys Captain Underpants books which I don't believe is appropriate.  Further, he constantly encourages everything that he knows that I don't approve of.  (Even things he didn't want our boys to exposed to when we were married!) Ironically, I overheard my 5 year old tell his cousin that his dad doesn't discipline him when he misbehaves.  He only spanks him when he has an accident.  The Ph.D. told me that is exactly the opposite of what to do.  He doesn't seem to have accidents at either place more frequently (to my knowledge).  But all of his major setbacks have come after the children go for extended visits at with him.  
    The accidents are frequently, but not always in the evening and often at friends houses where we spend alot of time and he knows the whole family well.  Sometimes it is obvious that he does it for attention, but I pay alot of attention to him.  For example, I took him to the pool yesterday, just him and I.  But when we got there my best friend called with a problem and I talked with her.  After about 7 minutes, we had to leave.  I can't be paying sole attention to him 24 -7.  The day before we went to the Children's Museum.  I take him to football practice and walk him into and out of his pre-school which he attends only 15 hours a week.  I am as close to a stay at home mom that a divorced mom can be.  
   A reward for a week of clean pants means superhero underware instead of white.  I noticed that he has an accident whenever he gets those, so, he no longer gets them at my house.  He must put his underware in the toilet and clean it off a little then take a shower and change.  He can't do anything else until this is done.  If we aren't home, he has to wait in it if we are doing something for someone else.  If its something he wants to do (which is less frequent)we leave and he then has to clean himself. (His father refuses to do this.) Unless, we can't leave and the smell or wetness is too great, then, I'll do something impromptu.  But not reward him with new clothes and not humiliate him.  The accident is more likely feces.  
   I've tried positive reiforcement w/ gifts/stickers.  What now?  Thank you!!!!

[Nickdev]

A related discussion, my five yrs old was started.

[Maria0313]

A related discussion, Potty training behavior 5 year old boy was started.

[Lori5]

It is possible that he feels that this is the only thing he can control in his life at this point in time. (His bowels)  This can cause a cycle of encopresis.   Because of holding, he developes constipation and it hurts to go - which will result in more holding and eventually streatching the colon which can lead to nerve damage and he will not even know he has to go.  There are other threads on this site regarding encopresis - see 4 year old refuses to poop.....

[Lori5]

Go to this thread for more info:

http://www.medhelp.org/forums/ChildBehavior/messages/33200.html

[ConcernMommie]

I have a 5 year old son that was fully potty trained at 3.  But every since his father & I weren't seeing each other anymore.  And I was dating a new guy in which we have now gotten a place together my son has been pooping in his underwear...sometimes I would take his video game from him then he will go to the toilet.  But as soon as I give his game back then he will poop in his pants again.  Everyone says his doing this because he has a new sis and a new man.  His no good father is not in his life.  I don't know what to do please someone help!!!!!!!!!!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

While most of the time when young children (i.e., five and under) display daytime enuresis or encopresis it is simply a matter of incomplete toilet training, with no emotional overlay, in the instance of your son it does actually appear to have an emotional component. This is not to suggest abuse; there really is nothing in your note to insist that that is likely. However, it does sound like your son is under quite a bit of stress, and the enuresis and encopresis may well be symptoms of the stress. It would be wise to pursue therapy for him, not so much to rule out abuse but to provide him with support and problem-solving around the difficult family situation he is experiencing.