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Avatar universal

6 year old issues

My stepson is 6. He cries all the time. Over spilt milk....he's scared of everything. He constantly talks about violent things, guns, things dying etc. he asks the same questions over and over again. He walks on his toes... His dad will tickle him and he loves it, I do it and he cries because I "hurt him". He follows his dad around the house and stands over him all the time. Can't be alone for a second. Sometimes he will talk to me. He's very talkative to his dad. But doesn't usually include me in the convo.

Now if his dad is not with us...things are fine. He talks to me. We get a long fine. It's just when the 3 of us are together.

His real mom left when he was 2.....she came back into his life a year ago. We have 50% custody.

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4851940 tn?1515694593
The reward chart is a brilliant idea.

Most kids need encouraging to look after their teeth.  And you are doing fine by encouraging him to do that.  If he objects or doesn't want to do it, just show him any tooth that you have that has an amalgam filling in it.
Kids don't understand that what we teach them as children is a good foundation for when they become old enough to stand on their own two feet.

You are doing fine.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks for the posts. He does ask about me if I'm not around. The other thing  I should probably mention is that his bio mom doesn't help the situation at all    For example six months ago he came home calling me fat.  That eventually faded and then he came home saying how much he missed bio dad's ex-girlfriend a name that hadn't been mentioned in years we were surprised she even knew the name he was so young when bio dad was with her.  The latest thing is she's not my mom, which also is kind of fading.  However there's no telling what the next thing will be in what she's putting into his head about me.  I've never even been around kids so the whole thing is new to me even trying to understand a six-year-old.  Bio dad is really supportive and does do disciplining however when it comes to things like learning to brush teeth and things like that bio dad doesn't do them the best himself and I feel like those are things I mom should do.  But we do have the reward chart which is helping .  I guess my fear is either he's going to end up hating me altogether   Or not think of me as a parent because I didn't try so I don't know.  The whole thing as complicated as you both know thank you for the support
Helpful - 0
4851940 tn?1515694593
Absolutely, if dad is in the house, he should take charge.

Unfortunately, most blokes just leave it to the woman.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
Jemma, I think that works well when there is an established and pleasant relationship.  However, they are not there yet.  I would keep all interaction on the positive side for the time being with any of the 'hard' parenting being done by his dad.  That's just my opinion but the poster is correct that psychologists recommend that the bio parents are the disciplinarians.  This little boy is young enough though that if dad isn't home, he does need direction from an adult and she'll have to do it. But if dad is in the house (and hopefully he is there often)--  he is in charge.  Until things are more consistently positive between the boy and his new step mom.  :>)  

I hope it works out well for all!!  good luck
Helpful - 0
4851940 tn?1515694593
I don't see it as a problem you reminding your stepson to brush his teeth and remind him to do whatever his supposed to do, like putting his dirty clothes in the laundry basket and tidying up after himself.

Do tell your husband to remind the young chap too and not leave it all to you.  You could, get the attention of your husband by clearing your throat and nodding with your head.  

I also don't think that you should leave all the discipline to your husband.  If the child does something that he shouldn't, he should be told straight away that this behaviour is unacceptable.  Be firm, but never shout or smack.

All children need discipline, and they need to be disciplined at the time that they are doing the thing that is unacceptable.  If your husband is in the house at the time, then he should do the disciplining (not shout or spank), but be firm and tell him it is not acceptable.  Setting a small sanction is fine, but don't make a meal out of it or make it too severe.

Your husband could also tell his son that he is to do what you say.
All kids won't do things that you tell them from time to time, so don't worry about that.  Just be firm.  

When I am at my grandchildren's house, they never listen to either parent.  But will listen when I say they need to brush their teeth, etc.  If they moan, their mum and dad just support me.  The children still never want to leave my house and want to stay over, when they come to visit, despite the fact that I am firm with them if needed.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
I think his dad should mainly be the one doing this type of parenting for now.  Sure, he wants you to help because that is easier.  BUT, I would rather have you lay a support role to him at this point so that the boy doesn't get this dynamic of you doing all the day to day 'work' stuff and dad is just fun.  That happens with many couples---  I think that sometimes . . .  I make sure all the work things get done and my husband plays with them.  I think as a new step mom trying to build a relationship, that isn't fair to you.  

So, he should do be doing a lot of the day to day things like monitoring teeth brushing, etc.  

good luck
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank you both. Sometimes he lets me tickle him so I guess it depends on his mood.

The other thing I want to ask is I feel like I'm often the one reminding him to do chores (75% if the time at least) brush teeth, put clothes in the hamper etc. do you think I should lay off completely? We use a reward system he gets stars for chores and earns a toy. Many times he remembers now but should I let his dad do all the parenting? I've read i shouldn't discipline and the bioparent should (although his dad does not agree with this)
Helpful - 0
4851940 tn?1515694593
Don't touch him unless he wants you to.

If his dad is around and playing with his son,  leave them on their own for a while so that they can spend with each other.  Go into another room and do some other chores.  Never compete with the child.  No doubt his dad goes to work all day and the 6 year old goes to school so there is not much time for him to be with his dad.  

Dads and sons have their own little "thing" going on, and you have to allow them to do that and bond with each other.

This happens even if the parents are not separated.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
In truth, I think a lot of what you describe is pretty normal.  I have two boys and we've spent a lot of time with other boys and I don't really see anything too far out there.  

Stop  tickling him.  What he does with his dad is different than anyone else.  it's kind of intimate to tickle someone----  and he's not there with you.  

You made a comment on another thread that you are vying for attention.  Stop that and let him be the star of the show with his dad.  Back off completely.  That's what I would do.  No child should feel in competition with their parent's girlfriend/boyfriend.  

Kids get sloshed around a lot when parents split up and it can be really hard for them.  I'd really tread lightly with the boy's feelings being the number one concern.

I am glad you have fun when it is just you and him. Keep doing that.  But understand that he is a little guy and can't express his emotions very well.  He probably would love some one on one time with dad.  good luck
Helpful - 0
4851940 tn?1515694593
He has a lot of psychological issues about the fact that he does not have his mum anymore.

He may be blaming you for that, I don't know.

He is "possessive" of his dad because he does not want to lose his had as well as his mum.

Although he was 2 when his mum left, this can have a psychological impact on a child for years.  And at the age of 6, it has not been long enough for him to understand that his mum and dad will never be back together again.

Reassure him that although his mum left,  she and the dad still love him.  His mum will not come back to live with the dad and that it was not his fault.  Children blame themselves for the split up of a parent or in his case his mother leaving him.

Don't be too concerned that he does not include you when he his with his dad.  But you can still help to get him ready for bed, read him a bed time story and let him choose the story himself.

Do not allow him to watch any adult or violet films nor the general or world news.  There is so much bad news, wars fighting and talk of death, don't expose him to it.  He sounds very vulnerable.  

When his dad is not at home, play games with your step son.  If he does spill anything or has any accidents, just say something like "Never mind, it can happen to anyone, even adults, we'll (or I'll) just clean it up".  

Ask him what he does at school, who he plays with, what he did.  Any children that he likes or dislikes.  This is to find out if he is OK at school and that there is he is not being bullied.   Just ask casually so he does not suspect that you are trying to get information out of him.

If he is going from parent to the other with having 50% custody, he may feel very insecure.  Perhaps his dad can ask what films he watched and what he did when he was with his mother.

Best of luck.
Helpful - 0

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