9 year old never invited to parties or other social activites

[kelloggs1]

For the past couple of years, my 9 year old son who has ADD  has begun to notice that many of his classmates are invited to other classmates' parties but he is never included. In reality, he's never invited to other kids' houses to play either. And today, at school, he'll learn about another party that occured this weeked with most of the boys in his class. to which he was not invited. This hurts his feelings and it hurts my feelings as well. I have talked to his teachers at school and both tell me that he plays nicely with others at recess. He is goodhearted and is always involved in activities(in school and outside of schoo), and well behaved while in school. I have been wondering if it  ADD and being the youngest in his class or is it the "other group":of kids? And I mention the "other group" of kids for this reason. In our area, there are many army families who have MOVED in our area because of the easy commute to post. I'm probably going to offend people but many of the locals here including myself have noticed that army families in this area tend to be very clickish and many of them, including their children, choose not to mix with the local civilians. I'm wondering if it's really my son or is it this "clickish" behavior setting in with the other kids as well? My husband(who was an army brat) tells me not to worry about it but I do. Is there any reassurance that I can offer my child?

[kelloggs1]

Thanks Specialmom! You have some really good advice. All of those signs in your second paragraph are so true with my child as well.  
I'll take your advice. On the weekends,instead of my trying to play catch up from the work week, I'm going to arrange some "hang out" time with another kid for my son. One kid at a time too, because my child tends to do better with less .
And thanks for the tips on the games and things to do. Your support and advice are appreciated!

[specialmom]

Hi.  Well, my son has sensory integration disorder which is very similar to add/adhd as both affect the nervous system.  Something that is extremely common with both of these disorders are problems with a child's social skills.  Sometimes they are barely noticable but enough to make a child feel like an outcast.  I've been there with my boy.  

Things like being less flexible and more controlling are common with kids like ours.  Inability to always pick up on social cues is common.  Sitting too close, invading space or seperating from the group are common.  Lack of inhibition or filter for what they say is common.  All can cause issues with peers.  

Here are some suggestions of things that have helped us------------  when you have a child that seems to be left out, parents have to get involved.  You need to become a place where kids are invited over.  I would start with one boy at a time and pick one that seems open to your son.  Have them over and stay involved.  Kids of 9 still love parents around so you being there to observe your son and help if necessary to make sure things go well is perfect.  Then if you see something he needs to work on, you can talk to him after the get together and start working on it.  I try to be "in the know" for what kids of my son's age are into.  I'm a little anti video game but we got the whole wii system and all the stuff to go with it as that is what kids my son's age like.  He can 'talk the talk' with them and they can play it among all the other things we have to do when over.  (pop a shot is really popular with that age, fuze ball, air hockey, ping pong . . . have plenty of these types of things for guests and your son to enjoy.  Worth the expense in my opinion to have a 'fun' house for kids to visit.)  Make the best snack ever too.  All of this sounds trivial but I tell you-----------  it makes a difference and your home more inviting and your son then more inviting.  Make sure the last 15 minutes of he get together are super fun as that is what sticks in the kids mind as well.  

So, I've done this over and over.  It started as hard work.  Now, it goes well and my son feels connected to some kids in his class.  Not all but some and that is enough.  

I'm super friendly to their parents as well.  The reciprocate invitations to get together.  

Talk to your school counselor as well.  Our school runs "friends groups" which the counselor facilitates.  What you need is a 'connection' to at least one other child to be a buddy.  Many friends are great but having one is all a child needs to feel really good.  

It could be the dynamics you describe of local vs. military but I'm sure your son isn't the only local boy, right?  

One other thing I'd look for (call occupational therapists and ask your school counselor)----  is social skills summer camps.  My son attended one with a pirate theme and had a blast.  They go over things that you might not even be aware of that your son does like his conversational skills.  Looking in the eye, waiting your turn to talk, etc.  The kids in my sons camp all were there for a reason and some needed it more than others.  But my son just felt really accepted by the kids and just loved it.  Learned a lot too.  So look for this.

Anyway, I also agree that putting him the after school activities is great.  Keep doing that.  I love scouts for his age.  good luck

[kelloggs1]

Thanks for responding. You have asked me some good questions to consider. It seems that most of the parties that I am aware of ,are held by the army kids. And based on hearsay from my son and through the grapevine, most of the kids that attend are army kids. I honestly don't know of any parties that have been thrown by any of his civilian peers. nor has my son mentioned any. I just brush it off by telling him that most "older" boys don't have birthday parties any more.

My son hasn't had anyone over in a while because of our work schedule and his sports, but when he dors have a friend over, it's usually just one child at a time to visit. And they get along well.

[RockRose]

If all these boys are army boys who get together and exclude him,  and they exclude the other civilian boys in the class,  I think that's the answer.  

If that's not the case,  that he's being excluded from civilian parties also,  then I don't think that's a factor.

What happens when he invites boys over to his house or for birthday parties or pizza?  Do they usually come?