9yr old daughtor very bossy w/friends

[Tammy]

my daughtor always seems to need to be the boss of what's happening.  whether it be choosing the color candy everyone receives and making sure she gets what she wants first.  being very selfish even with her very favorite friends.  she does not like letting other people use her things unless she has approved which ones (i.e. clothes, drinking cups, toys, etc).  it is very annoiying to me because i feel i need to be the referee all the time.  i try to emphasize that if she cannot learn to share unconditionally over very small issues, she will loose her friends.  She is very arguementative with me and her friends.  what can i do to make her see the bigger picture of good manners and kindness in sharing and not being so bossy?
I feel i am very consistent with my diseplinary actions,(taking away t.v., no playdates or special wants) and i explain clearly what needs to be done, maybe it is just a matter of time.  

thank you for any input you may have.    sincerely tammy

[Marty]

WHEW...I thought me and my wife had the only kid around who was bossy! ha ha!  My 5 year old son is getting to be bossy, telling his friends what team they are supposed to be (he loves hockey and he tells them what team they are instead of letting them pick) and so on. I think the best place to start is going to the library and checking out "Bossy Franklin" and another story from the Dinofaurs series. Those two deal with the main character being bossy. I SURE hope this sheds some light and he see's the picture. I am worried that he will loose his friends and then we have to share in his pain of no one wanting to play with him.
Guess I am just going to cross my fingers and pray this is a stage that last VERY briefly! :->

[P.__]

Well first of all my daugher is the youngest and wow is she bossy with her friends.  She likes to decide everything.  I have talked to her in the past and still do, but I do allow her to work things out with the other kids.  When she doesn't get her own way sometimes she comes home crying.  Its probably a good idea the other kids are letting her know that they don't like her behavior, but me as a mom wants to just protect her from this pain.  But, guess what that's part of growing up and learning.  If you let the kids work things out you'll be surprised what happens. And by the way, Kim as you say thank God we grow up! I agree.
Paula

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Tammy,

A key factor in addressing your daughter's behavior is to determine the extent to which you will involve yourself in it. Of course, in your role as a parent trying to educate your daughter about matters of civility, manners and relationships, it is a good idea to discuss the impact of bossy, domineering behavior. Sometimes a useful way to communicate about this is to engage in some role playing, with you adopting the role of your daughter and her the role of one of her friends. You might also check out your local library, where you might find some children's stories devoted to this topic.

However, to some extent she will need to learn from the interactions themselves. It won't hurt at times to let the interactions play out - let the kids solve it themselves. You have to use your judgement in this regard, but sometimes we think we need to intervene at every turn when we really do not.

Also, keep your eyes open for occasions when your daughter displays some sign of generosity and civility to her friends and compliment her on this. You might even go so far as to almost script a response as, for instance, when a friend will be coming over. You can plan with your daughter that, after greeting the child, she will ask the friend what he/she wants to do. If she follows through, praise her for this.

[Emily Ann]

I have the VERY SAME problem with my 4 year old son. Is your daughter by any chance the oldest in the family? I will be interested in the replies here, as this problem is driving me crazy, and I forsee trouble down the road if I can't find a way to change it.

[kim]

I too have a 9 year old (boy) who likes to set the rules a lot.  He feels that rules should be followed and it annoys him when others don't do it.  I kindly and quite often remind him that it is sometimes okay to play a game a different way and let his friends choose sometimes.  You may find it quite helpful to use positive reinforcement instead of punishing your daughter. For example when she displays good behavior and lets someone else pick first or choose a game etc. reward her with something positive.  It is human nature to want to feel good and be treated nice and if she sees the good (to her) that is coming from her good behavior she will respond much better that being punished all the time.

I always go with the phrase "pick your poison", you just have to let some things go and only worry about the big things.  If she starts to make some adjusting on her own and sees that you are not getting on her all the time, she will change.  Try not to sweat the small stuff and remember also, Kids will be kids, thank God we finally grow up!!
Kim