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Avatar universal


my fiancee and I are concerned that his  (my soon to be step) 6 year old son has ADHD- the issues are when ever thier is a non structured event- (play date, free time ect-  his hyper activity goes above and beyond and it is almost impossable to calm him down. for example,after a full day in first grade, an almost 2 hour play date(s) (runing, climbing trees,playing in the mudd ect. we come home and he is still running around the house screaming, singing bouncing off the walls). If we tell him to calm down he will but then 2 minuts later he is up and going. He will throw his hand around in the car and bang on the seats, play with everything he can get his hands on.he is always making some kind of noise. And will cry like a time out is the end of the world. he is always making some kind of noise. He is overly dramatic when he gets hurt  ( minor cuts, scrapes, but when its something big  like when his slammed his hand in the door almost no tears??? im confused? but the hardest part is that my fiancees ex wife is saying that he is not dysplaying this kind of behavior at her house( this says the women that had the child in therapy for acting out when he was only 3 years old). also his teacher told us he was acting out at the beginning of the year 2 month ago, but suddnly after a confrence with his mother tells his father and I that problems have stopped and she sees non of the things we are talking about????? please help- Sam
18 Responses
13167 tn?1327194124
I think it's very possible that his is behaving well in school and at his mother's house - these sound like attention seeking behaviors.    The carrying on and on about a minor cut or scrape seems like he is trying to get enough attention.

I think you can rule out the possibility that his teacher is not telling the truth.  

Is it possible that he's being medicated at school and at his mother's house?  That's a possibility,  but I think a very very slim one.

Maybe if he had a lot of time alone with his dad - say a full 1/2 day on weekends - daddy all to himself - these behaviors might improve.

Best wishes.
Avatar universal
Thank you so much for your reply- however why is it that she was having the sam problems with him at age 3 and took him to a doctor but now that we are concerned its she says its not going on? I  agree it could be attintion seeking but I feel its not just going on at our place- hence the thearpy at age three?????
13167 tn?1327194124
Oops,   I forgot to finish.  

I knew a girl (still know her,  she's now a junior in high school) whose parents divorced when she was in 2nd grade and her dad got a new girlfriend.  This child had always been great - a delight to be around.  Suddenly she was intolerable - ll the behaviors you're talking about,  and she'd also baby talk and sing mindless songs so loudly that adults in the room couldn't converse it was so loud.  She flip around and flail around and make a general nudge of herself for hours.  But only when her dad was around,  never when I had her alone or her mom was there.  I'm sure the new girlfriend thought this child was mentally illl,  and anyone who hadn't known her before would think that.  

Divorce,  and especially the new girlfriend,  ripped this child apart although anyone just freshly meeting her wouldn't have seen the dramatic change.

I think you need to give him space, and give him his dad and after a couple years he might change his behavior.
13167 tn?1327194124
Sorry,  our posts are crossing each other.

Sam,  it sounds like you believe very strongly that he is being medicated.  Is that what you think?  

Does his father have a right to his medical files?  

I think you can take to the bank what his teacher says,  that he is fine in school.  That much I think you can depend on like a rock.  If you believe he is being medicated,  maybe Dad could find out.
Avatar universal
ill take that in to concideration!
Avatar universal
no I dont think he is being medicated nore do we want to medicate him, he does have the right to his medical files, but my concern is that ive only been in the picture for a year and a half so her taking him to therapy for this kind of behavior when my fiancee and her were married, 3 years ago, when his father had no girlfriend and they were married ,  I just find it ironic that she says he is not doing it at her place, and she has also told us when we first brought it up to her last year  that its just the child expressing him self, and now with the teacher changing her story from behavior problems  2 month ago to a perfect child now is confusing, he is acting out thats for sure, and im confused and at my wits end to try and peace it all together,
13167 tn?1327194124
Sam.  You're thinking something,  what is it?  There's some theory that you have that you haven't expressed.

Is it that you think he's still doing this both at school and at home,  and the teacher is telling you otherwise to make you feel bad?  

I'm not trying to be insulting,  I'm really trying to just understand what your theory is about why this is happening.  

If you don't think he's being medicated,  what do you think?

Best wishes.
Avatar universal
I dont think that the teacher is at all out to get me or his father what I really think is that she is trying to stay out of a squable of conflicting parenting views, its possible that his problems have stopen at school I dont discount any idea, however does it not seem strang that his mother would have taken him to tharapy at age 2 because of behavior problems but when is father brings it up now its not happining??? I do think it goes deeper, maybe to something I was not around to see, like I said I was not around when he was three,
Avatar universal
I have 10 years in child care so Im thinking I am not just being overly sensitive with my concerns
Avatar universal
age 3 sorry
13167 tn?1327194124
sam,  what are this boy's mother and father squabbling about?  It sounds like early in the year there was a conference where the teacher raised concerns that his behavior needed to change.

If his behavior has not changed,  and he's still misbehaving the same way in school,   . . I guess I don't understand what the "squabble" is the teacher is trying to stay out of.  

By telling the father the child is fine,  she is hoping to stay out of . . .. what?
Avatar universal
right now, its a huge custody battle- ugh, and I think his mothr ehas went to his and conplaind(because I was the first person the teacher told about behavior problems) and so now I think the teacher is trying to  stay out of it!, its like this my fiancees ex wife, took thier oldest to therapy at age 3 for being hyper, defyant, and to quote her "out of control"(now this is way before I met my fiancee)  after a couple of month she stoped taking him, I a year and a half ago met my fiancee, and noticed the sam behaviors in his son, I asked my fiancee to bring it up to his ex wife that maybe it was ADHD, she proceeded to tell use "he is just a sensitive kid who has always needed one on one time" then we brought it up again 6 month ago she says "hes just expressing him self and being an individual" now the teacher brings it up to me and I tell his ex wife to please reconsider ADHD she then says "no, he is not stupid, and besides he is not acting this way at home", a couple of days later I go to pick up the child from school, the teacher says his mother came in to see her, and talk about ADHD and that his mother mentioned that his father and I were concerned but  that she was not,  3 weeks later (yesterday) parent teacher confrence day the teacher says all problems have stoped.
13167 tn?1327194124
When you went to the conference,  did you get a sheet of paper that was like,  in triplicate,  that had a bunch of stuff - "goals",  "strengths",  "weaknesses",  etc?  And everyone had to sign it inclulding the teacher and your fiance had a chance to write in the parents comments section,  before everything was signed and distributed?  

This is how they do it in our school district.  So that there is a VERY clear paper trail - that for years teachers can refer to,  or music or PE teachers can try to get help with problem behaviors or weaknesses, etc.  

On that sheet it will be noted that either the child cooperates well and gets along well with the kids and follows directions well (or doesn't) etc.

If,  on that sheet, it says he is functioning well in the classroom as far as behavior goes,  then you can bet your life he is behaving well.  A teacher will NOT falsify that just so she doesn't have an uncomfortable meeting with parents.  That's the paper trail.  If he is a problem at lunch,  recess,  music and art,  and the principal looks up that paper and notes the teacher formally told the parents the child's behavior was fine,  that's curtains for the teacher.  

So I think you can pare this down to the most important facts,  and leave out all the history and custody and etc.    I think you can pare off the part about the mother seeking therapy,  and now she says he's fine,  all that stuff is getting in the way of seeing this realistically:

1.  He is consistently behaving very hyperactive and wild in your care.

2.  At the very beginning of the year he was wild in school,  but  he is now consistently  behaving well at school.  

I think we're kind of back to square one:  either he's being medicated,  or he's acting out from anger and jealousy.

Best wishes.  

Avatar universal
152852 tn?1205713426
I don't see where you have any place in this to be honest and I would imagine that the teacher could have been in potential behavior issue with a non-family member.  But, if she's telling the boy's father the same thing she's telling the boy's mother (that he's now ok at school), I would think it were true.  After all, the teacher's main concern is making sure he's behaving at school so he's not disruptive to her class and upsetting the other children--I don't think she'd lie about that for any reason.

I agree with RockRose when she wrote that it may likely be an issue with you and his father.  I'm guessing that he's being juggled between two homes if there is a custody battle going on.  Is his mother's home the home he lived in when his parents were together?

Also, I think the diagnosis of ADHD is too often given and inappropriately, too.  I wouldn't allow anyone but a child psychologist who specializes in the disorder to diagnose him.  However, that said, from what I've gathered, much of the diagnosis depends upon the behaviors reportedly observed by adults and if his teacher and custodial parent say they don't see it and one parent says he does, I would think he would not likely be diagnosed with it.

If I were you, I'd give your boyfriend support, but it's not up to you to push for any diagnosis or testing regarding the child.  If it's too much for you to handle being around him, maybe just let your boyfriend spend the weekends with his son alone.  And I honestly suspect the behavior will subside if you do that.
152852 tn?1205713426
Oops...I meant to write that the teacher could have been in trouble for discussing potential behavior issues with a non-family member.
Avatar universal
or maybe its his mothers new found lesbianism  and her new partner, or maybe it is me that is causing such a comotion in the childs life-  what ever it is its been going on for 3 years(before me and before his mother turned gay! and thats what your not understanding  im not gonna sit by and keep my mouth shut when I see a child having behavior problems- but thank for you words
152852 tn?1205713426
You're welcome.  Good luck to you!
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