Aa
AN UNRESOLVED ISSUE SINCE CHILDHOOD - Now 20 Never took any med
I'm passing along hoping someone can help and it can help others
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This is an odd question since I am not depressed, if anything, I'm the opposite. But I had periods of my life where I have been seriously depressed though. That I can recall, the two biggest were moving back to the US at the age of 14 from another country I had lived as far I could actually remember (Since 2'1/2) And also upon entering high school, a very demanding school academically - very. Suicide actually slipped my mind those days... Then, later on, I transfered to another high school, less demanding and with girls as well. Upon the end of 11th grade I was in all honestly very popular and on a path to have a life most people would envy at that age. I lived pretty happily then on after. and I can't recall ever being depressed again. Up until I was 19 the show "Entourage" would be close to what I was living. Upon writing for my personal records, I stumbled on the thought that maybe I forgotten how to suffer emotionally. I say this because in paper my life has definitely taken some serious recent plunges. I suppose my losses are great. BUT NOTHING REALLY MOVES ME, tomorrow there another day to live right? I see it like that and more. But whatever really. Thats not really what I'm here to talk about.
Through my whole childhood, my mother was told i had learning disabilities. (This is back in the day and in Peru so its different than today i suppose) I went to psychiatrist and God know what else as a child. As far as I remember they were fun as I got to simply play through most of them and talk thing I don't recall - nothing ever serious I think. Through all this though, my mother sustained from giving me any medication as to avoid any possible side-effects. At around 10 I think they all completely ended.
I was always the lowest seed in the class. Meaning always on the verge of expulsion, due to grades. This pattern continued all till graduation in the States. Now as humble as this can be said, I'm not stupid and actually around the age of 16 I actually started to see I was brighter than most people. Without really studying (cause thats what I did always: not really study) I managed a 1200 out of a 1600 in my SATs. Which was the reason they did not expel me from my last high school. ( I been to a total of at least 10 different schools up until high school. Many due to grades, other due to location changes) But I did real good in that exam and So... the apple is not all that far from the tree (another random fact: my dad I consider a genius. Chemistry, physics, philosophy, blah, blah, blah)
Well where I am going with these is simple. There is something wrong with me. And through my life, particularly now it is becoming more self evident. I can concentrate just fine (I wrote this in a breeze) But the fact that I should be studying like crazy right now, is worrisome. I need hours upon hours to do work I am ready and prepared to do in 30 minutes. Simply because I go on to do other stuff I feel compelled ought to be done also... or not sometimes. The point is I miss highway exists because I get on my own little world thinking upon things which in all honestly are important I analyze. but to loose track of things like that worries me. And I'm worried since it has been getting worst. I now feel an awkwardness i did not know before, towards people and conversations. My mind has being going blank and a feeling of "overwhelm-ness" for lack of words, is what I feel. I ignore the feeling, yet my eye contact is not clear ( I look down, wall, simply whatever) and my words... God... the other day I was not making any sense to this girls i was trying to talk to. Meeting new people is now starting to become a problem as it had never been. This worries me as I see this not being a matter of personality. Back on the concentration. I can really focus but I admit is on a level of interest. And even though, I could be playing a game match with a friend, in which when on cue I'm unstoppable, yet I am simply not at times (WITHIN A SPAM OF A MINUTES).
Again all these issues, now that I'm 20, are becoming more clear to me. And they seemed to have gotten worst. what the hell is wrong with me. ADD, ADHD, AUTISM? I have no idea and for what i read (wiki) none of those fully encompass what I'm experiencing. I'm sure a doctor could help and I'm sure I be passing him a copy of this. But here right now. Can anyone help? Part of the reason I am taking direct action now, is because if i don't solve this issue, I don't see how I will survive in a Top-Notch University. Which I am dedicating much of my efforts in doing, I am going to transfer, I will do this. I am now being the student I never was so this issue has to be solved!
ps: This social thing is totally new (within the last year and actually it may be going down as I stopped with the drugs. Hey... this reality people and you might want to investigate the effects of each drug so you warn your child beforehand, cause most likely people try stuff. At least tell them why THEY particularly cant do such an such. know the right age though, people are different. some kids try pot at 14 some at 18 this are vast differences). oh, another thing about me which might contribute, I started walking at a very early age 7'1/2 months but took much longer than normal to start talking cant recall but it started to be alarming I was told.
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This is an odd question since I am not depressed, if anything, I'm the opposite. But I had periods of my life where I have been seriously depressed though. That I can recall, the two biggest were moving back to the US at the age of 14 from another country I had lived as far I could actually remember (Since 2'1/2) And also upon entering high school, a very demanding school academically - very. Suicide actually slipped my mind those days... Then, later on, I transfered to another high school, less demanding and with girls as well. Upon the end of 11th grade I was in all honestly very popular and on a path to have a life most people would envy at that age. I lived pretty happily then on after. and I can't recall ever being depressed again. Up until I was 19 the show "Entourage" would be close to what I was living. Upon writing for my personal records, I stumbled on the thought that maybe I forgotten how to suffer emotionally. I say this because in paper my life has definitely taken some serious recent plunges. I suppose my losses are great. BUT NOTHING REALLY MOVES ME, tomorrow there another day to live right? I see it like that and more. But whatever really. Thats not really what I'm here to talk about.
Through my whole childhood, my mother was told i had learning disabilities. (This is back in the day and in Peru so its different than today i suppose) I went to psychiatrist and God know what else as a child. As far as I remember they were fun as I got to simply play through most of them and talk thing I don't recall - nothing ever serious I think. Through all this though, my mother sustained from giving me any medication as to avoid any possible side-effects. At around 10 I think they all completely ended.
I was always the lowest seed in the class. Meaning always on the verge of expulsion, due to grades. This pattern continued all till graduation in the States. Now as humble as this can be said, I'm not stupid and actually around the age of 16 I actually started to see I was brighter than most people. Without really studying (cause thats what I did always: not really study) I managed a 1200 out of a 1600 in my SATs. Which was the reason they did not expel me from my last high school. ( I been to a total of at least 10 different schools up until high school. Many due to grades, other due to location changes) But I did real good in that exam and So... the apple is not all that far from the tree (another random fact: my dad I consider a genius. Chemistry, physics, philosophy, blah, blah, blah)
Well where I am going with these is simple. There is something wrong with me. And through my life, particularly now it is becoming more self evident. I can concentrate just fine (I wrote this in a breeze) But the fact that I should be studying like crazy right now, is worrisome. I need hours upon hours to do work I am ready and prepared to do in 30 minutes. Simply because I go on to do other stuff I feel compelled ought to be done also... or not sometimes. The point is I miss highway exists because I get on my own little world thinking upon things which in all honestly are important I analyze. but to loose track of things like that worries me. And I'm worried since it has been getting worst. I now feel an awkwardness i did not know before, towards people and conversations. My mind has being going blank and a feeling of "overwhelm-ness" for lack of words, is what I feel. I ignore the feeling, yet my eye contact is not clear ( I look down, wall, simply whatever) and my words... God... the other day I was not making any sense to this girls i was trying to talk to. Meeting new people is now starting to become a problem as it had never been. This worries me as I see this not being a matter of personality. Back on the concentration. I can really focus but I admit is on a level of interest. And even though, I could be playing a game match with a friend, in which when on cue I'm unstoppable, yet I am simply not at times (WITHIN A SPAM OF A MINUTES).
Again all these issues, now that I'm 20, are becoming more clear to me. And they seemed to have gotten worst. what the hell is wrong with me. ADD, ADHD, AUTISM? I have no idea and for what i read (wiki) none of those fully encompass what I'm experiencing. I'm sure a doctor could help and I'm sure I be passing him a copy of this. But here right now. Can anyone help? Part of the reason I am taking direct action now, is because if i don't solve this issue, I don't see how I will survive in a Top-Notch University. Which I am dedicating much of my efforts in doing, I am going to transfer, I will do this. I am now being the student I never was so this issue has to be solved!
ps: This social thing is totally new (within the last year and actually it may be going down as I stopped with the drugs. Hey... this reality people and you might want to investigate the effects of each drug so you warn your child beforehand, cause most likely people try stuff. At least tell them why THEY particularly cant do such an such. know the right age though, people are different. some kids try pot at 14 some at 18 this are vast differences). oh, another thing about me which might contribute, I started walking at a very early age 7'1/2 months but took much longer than normal to start talking cant recall but it started to be alarming I was told.
You sound like you have classic ADD. Really, reading your writing style . . .
Which can be a strength. You're probably more creative than most people, and think innovatively.
The problem is developing enough self discipline to accomplish things you don't want to do.
Which can be a strength. You're probably more creative than most people, and think innovatively.
The problem is developing enough self discipline to accomplish things you don't want to do.
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