Adoption Chaos

[msmom6]

My husband & I have a blended family and our children have biological parents from previous relationships w/ the exception of our youngest , who is not legally adopted. My husband took him to raise from a family member to keep him in the family while being involved with an exgirlfriend. I have been involved in the childs life since 3yrs of age shortly after she walked out of the relationship. We have been happily married for several years now but, the situation always gets difficult when school sarts. Our child still does not know he is adopted and believes the exgirlfriend is his biological mother. I tends to everything as wife/mother when it comes time to enroll, Dr. appointments, extra curriculars etc.. We have discussed legally adopting him between ourselves. I personally feel it is time to let him know the truth. How are you supposed to adopt a child together if the child thinks somebody else is the "mommy" and she's aloud to still be involved in the childs life. Its difficult & confusing , it puts me in an awkward situation.

[AnnieBrooke]

I wasn't asking where the biological mom is, I was asking if you would try to get rid of the woman he calls his mom by adopting him.  Whatever her status, don't slay the child's feelings by trying to get rid of her, whether you adopt him or not.  You're an adult, you can cope emotionally better than a 9-year-old.  Not only that, you won the rivalry, if there is one, since you are the one he gave the "Mrs." award to.  Be a good winner, and don't lacerate a kid's feelings just to feel better about this ex.  

If you do adopt him, he might wonder why she surrendered him, and you would be kinder to simply gloss the issue until he's older (i.e., the fact that he is not her biological child) by telling him that she wanted it that way but will of course still be in his life.

Remember, he's only 9, and you're a grownup.  Let him be a kid for at least a while longer, and have what comforts he can find.  If one of them is contact with the woman he thinks is his bio-mom, that's your contribution to his mental health and emotional security, for at least another decade or so.  

Good luck, honey.  You're being a good mom, and sometimes that means sitting on stuff for the sake of the child.

[margypops]

I have to say I agree with what Annie has said and I would be repeating it...

[msmom6]

The biological mom is not in the picture at all. I just have a hard time with adopting a child to raise & care for when there is another woman involved that was conveniently around when the baby came home & now she is " mommy" and we are married & trying to raise our family. Its odd to me to adopt a child that thinks an "x"girlfriend is the mommy. It would be a little differant if they had married & adopted together but, neither one of those happened. I feel I have been the one to raise our child and I feel he should know because its all lies and the situation is more confusing than a typical adoption.

[msmom6]

My child is now 9.

[AnnieBrooke]

My sister has a son whose biological father is still in his life, despite the fact that her son has been adopted by her partner.  Biology doesn't matter as much as who is around.  If the woman he thinks of as his mom is still in his life, he won't really care what the legals are, unless, of course, you would use this to try to get her not to be in his life.

[margypops]

May I ask how old he is now as in my opinion telling him he is adopted depends on his age .?