Have you tried taking things away when the one twin is aggressive? Maybe you could give her a timeout and if that does not work you could punish her by taking something else away. Or even try taking the other twin away. Give the other some sort of fun thing to do and don't let the aggressive one in on it. You could try explaining that because she hit she is not allowed to color or whatever it is you have the other doing. Not sure if it would help, just an idea. =) Good luck hun, I really hope you find something that works!
How about addressing this with a therapist? They will be able to help you with this better than any of us can.
Could it be that the 'naughty' one gets less attention than the good' twin, it would then account for the 'naughty one seeking more attention by any means ,negative attention is better than none , Would you say that in the family the good child gets plenty of fun, games whereas the other child is left out at least to some extent ? Do they get the same attention equally ?
Try a sticker chart!! It worked for me when I was a kid. Say dyer a week of good behaviour she could get maybe a lolly from the shop. Then if she is naughty you take a sticker off. Or warn her one may be lost. Hope this helps!!!!
Let me know when you figure it out!
My twins are 4-year-old identical boys and I just had to pull them from preschool because one of them has started throwing things when he's angry. They adore each other and are very loving, good-natured boys, but they also hit each other and, sometimes, hit us or their older brother and sister. They throw things when they are mad as well. One is worse than the other right now, but it was reversed in the fall.
I have good news though! My guys are finally old enough to understand other consquences, like no playground if you do that again. So it's getting better. Time-outs are still very difficult. They won't stay, so I have to put them back in over and over and ovr again and they are always trying to free each other. But they are starting to actually stay after 15 minutes or so.
I am also seeing some of the values I have been trying and trying to instill surface.
Three is the hardest age with twins. Just keep being consistent, keep trying to control your own temper (walk away when you have to), keep disciplining them and showing alternative behaviors, and keep believing that some day it will get better. I've got my sights set on age 6!
They have been seeing a therapist for 6 months now. She said to tap her hand whenever she hits.
They get equal time. We even have it where everytime I go somewhere I take one twin, so their father and I each get quality time alone with them.
They are developmentally delayed, so sticker charts and timeouts don't work for them.
How do you mean tap her hand .?
She said to tap her on the hand, not hard, but to leave enough of an impression on her to make her stop doing it.
Hi. My son has a developmental delay called sensory integration disorder. What is the delay that your daughters have?
If tapping is just touching to make eye contact and get her attention, then I can see this. Tapping that resembles any type of slapping or causing an ouch will backfire. You'll most likely see an escalation in that type of behavior coming from them. Be prepared for reports of tapping of their peers if you do it to them as the mimic what you do. Truthfully, in order to get a child to keep their hands to themselves--------- the action of laying on hands to them is not usually the best way to teach that. Both from all of the reading I've done, our years of occupational therapy and behavior modification training, and experience have made this a truth for me.
I would purchase a book written for children called "hands are not for hitting". It drives home this message in a great way for young children. I'd go ahead and look to see if you can find what they call a "social story" addressing her slapping (or hitting-------- really the same thing.) They are written for kids with autism and delays-------- but no matter what type of delay or how mild or severe it is, they are a great tool. They have a few words written in bold print and pictures. You can do a google search for autism sites or I got a couple on ebay for cheap prices.
Perhaps your daughter with her delays is not getting nervous system input that her brain is craving. My son is a sensory seeker and he tries to get input. Slapping would be an impulse. So, my other suggestion to you would be to make sure that you are doing lots of physical activity. I'd have her in things like swim lessons. I'd take them to the park and encourage them to run, slide, jump, climb, roll, swing. All are soothing to the nervous system and impact behavior.
Lastly, what types of early intervention are you doing. If they have delays, they should be enrolled in an early intervention program. Addressing whatever challenges they have will greatly reduce behavior issues.
Lastly, as I said, my son does have a developmental delay as well. I found giving choices as often as possible very helpful. I also did use the time out method successfully and would recommend you give it another try. It takes up to three weeks for a new method of parenting to start to have any effect------ so do not be encouraged if it doesn't work at first. Keep at it and stay consistent. I also make sure that logical consequences follow outlawed behavior. Throw a toy, lose that toy.
Well, good luck. Hard work being a parent, isn't it?!
typo-------------- I meant 'discouraged' instead of encouraged. sorry.
They have been in early intervention since they were 15 months, when I got them. A little background, I am their step parent, their mom is a druggie and hasn't been around that much. They call me mom, I've been taking care of them since they were 15 months. Their delays have to do with the way she raised them the first year of their life. 18 hours a day in a dark room in playpens, no social interaction except for their dad when was home from work, and living on teddy grahams and cheerios for breakfast, lunch and dinner. They have been in the infant program we have here since I got them, and now that they are old enough they've been doing programs through the school system and have been in speech twice a week since they were 18 months. They have been to psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, social workers, neuro developmental. You name it, we've been there. They have a speech delay, and they know that they have ADHD due to family history and they're behavior in speech and the developmental preschool. Their developmental delays are in social interaction and they have a low IQ according to the tests that have been done on them. Their mom is bipolar, borderline personality disorder and some other things that I can't remember the names of. She is addicted to drugs and weren't not sure, but believe she did them while she was pregnant, she also has MMI (mildly mentally impaired), she has an IQ of 78. (All of which my husband did not know when he married her. She can hide things very well when she wants to.) I'm trying to do everything in my power to reverse the damage that she did to them and it never seems like enough. I just wish I could help them somehow. And now here we are with another problem topping off all the other problems and I just don't know what to do. Thank you for the support and encouragement I've found on here. Most people think it's my fault and that I somehow did something wrong.
Twins are hard and even the experts seem to have no idea how that dynamic can affect discipline and aggression. Throw in all the problems you are experiencing and you've got a very complicated issue on your hands that no one else's method is going to effectively address.
You're going to have to come up with it on your own.
All I can suggest is keeping a detailed journal of what happens when she hits -- what proceeds it, how you and others react and how she reacts. Then try changing things up a bit. React differently for a few days and see how that affects her. You might just hit on a solution that way.
One of our twins was doing everything he could for negative attention at one point no matter how much positive attention we lavished on him. He would knock prints off walls, throw things, hit people, sit on the dog, you name it. We disciplined him for those things while also giving him the praise. Suddenly, it occurred to me that maybe we should just stop disciplining him, let him do all the damage he wants and pay no attention whatsoever. It was a scary decision, but we did it.
After one day, the aggressive behaviors decreased.
After three days, they were gone.
Now, about nine months later, we're going through the same thing with his brother.
That method did not work, but immediate time-outs for even the slightest, tiniest infraction seem to be helping (At least today. We just started.)
I mean it though when I say that age 3 is the hardest with twins. If you can just get through this without things getting any worse, they will get better. They might have their mother's genes, but they have their father's too.
Hang in there.
They need you.
Oh, I certainly hope you didn't think I was saying YOU did something wrong. Yeesh . . . that would be like saying I did something wrong as I have a developmentally delayed child myself. My son has sensory integration disorder as I mentioned and as a toddler and preschooler . . . he was a handfull!! He had behavioral issues and his social skills were quite defunct. We were blessed with good people when it came to therapists and teachers and those giving general advice and I will tell you . . . as something good to think about . . . for us, early intervention did wonders. It really changed my boys life and I am so thankful that were aggressive in working on things he struggled with. My son is now 7 and in first grade. He's doing fantastic and I'm very proud of him.
Good for you for working on these girls' issues as well! I admire someone that takes children under their wing and helps them. I really believe that your efforts will be richly rewarded.
I found techniques given to us by our occupational therapist to be so very helpful. Some ideas for you since you are suspecting adhd (sensory and adhd can look very similar and things for sensory are known to help adhd as well as both are issues with the nervous system). Google "sensory processing disorder" and a sight spd will pop up. This is a great web site. When there-------- look up "heavy work". This goes through a list of activities that directly work on the nervous system.
I don't know about the above of ignoring behavior that is unacceptable. I've never taken that route as I found boundaries to be a better approach with my son. A good friend of mine that I met at our kid's mutual therapist whose son became ill as an infant and suffered brain damage (now has low IQ, behavior issues, etc.) and we both find that boundaries work well. We both like 1-2-3 Magic as a parenting book and as our kids have gotten a little older than your twins, the "Love and Logic" system by Dr. Charles and James Fey is really effective. I have not found that I need to change discipline styles completely for my son. What did need to change was my understanding that some of the things he did was due to his delay. So, I tempered what I punished for but I still had a boundary associated with things. Does that make sense?
Anyway, I"m glad you have sought early intervention. Keep at it. It's hard.
I'd never judge another parent working on issues with their child. We don't know why my son has a delay. I wanted my baby so bad and we tried a long time to have him. I was the most cautious pregnant lady out there. During my pregnancy I fell down some stairs and got put on bed rest and his birth was not great with some complications------- but we don't know why it happened. Anyway, he's mine to take care of and I always will. And bless you for taking care of those girls! Peace.