At my wits end...

[Shayla099]

I am at my wits end with my 5 year old daughter, we are in the process of waiting for her appointments to be screened but until then I really am at a loss and feel it's probably my fault. I was married to her father for 12 years he's a controlling,selfish narcissist, when one of our kids needed or wanted a relationship with me he would reject them ( called the oldest a traitorous b**** for talking to me). Her life has a been nothing short of bad I know when she was 15 months he decided the world was out to get us, that day we left our home and everything behind  moved into an rv so he could keep on the move. She'd sleep with me and was frequently left behind w me so he could take the older kids to have fun and she would be too much of an hindrance.  About 6 months later he had to return east in order to not loose his job, he'd telecommuted before but they wanted him there and were tired of him wanting the exceptions to the general rules of employment. He choose however to hideous off in trailer with nothing while he'd work, which led to the removal of the kids by children's services, at that point she lost all contact was for 90 days, when we got visitation it was supervised and he set to work using the situation to his advantage,  planting stories with the kids saying to tell the people that I tried to kill them etc. She had limited vocabulary when this started and I figured shed regressed with the loss of our home like her brother had ( he'd been potty trained fully for x6 months and with the loss reverted back to diapers and thumb sucking). Through the time she was out of our home I'd hear stories of what the foster parents did to her from spanking her for accidents to hot sauce for finger sucking. She frequently had bruises on her head and would cling to me durring visits. After things were turned around ( to outside appearances) and I'd made a big enough deal over the bruises and spanking they were sent home. My husband violence towards me reached an all time high with the threat if my grave actually dug in the basement,not verbal and physical. I was too scared to say anything to the workers, when it was too obvious to hide I choose to visit my parents and try and come up with a plan. I told children's services and begged them to keep an eye on the other kids which they didn't. I was allowed by him to take only one child with me, so knowing she couldn't speak up and that he wasn't good with littler kids I took her with me on the train. I never imagined he'd let one of the kids go but he did. I mean within the week I got on the train he'd packed and moved from our home never picked up the phone and essentially cut us out of our life. With the control I'd never had my name on the bank accounts, or worked or even learned to drive so please don't think badly of me for not being able to return and fight him I am still trying to be able to save the money to do so.  However there are medical reasons that make it harder and ones that could be made worse by the area he's in. On top of it I'm 31 making minimum wage in my first job with half my checks going to past due child support from when the kids were in children's services custody.
Ok well that's the background now this is what's going on. She's become very defiant I ask her to do something and she won't do it without a huge battle. At meal time it literally takes hours for her to eat a meal even if she likes it or requests it. It can literally take all day for her to eat a hotdog i cave in and give her ( hotdogs have never been on our meal plans before) trying to avoid fights. I have tried catering to her with foods I wouldn't give her otherwise, foods she likes and even making fun things out of it it's still a fight, I try to  limit her meal time to 30 mins she just plays and when I take the food away she cries and screams " me want to eat". She will ask for permission to do something and I'll tell her yes, she will throw screaming crying fits saying I won't let her. This morning she wanted to sleep in my bed and I told her she could she threw herself on the floor at the end of the bed screaming you won't let me sleep with you, once she was in my bed again she started asking to go get her blanket I told her yes again she was screaming that I wouldn't let her get her blanket. If I take her to the store with me she asks for everything, screams like I'm hurting her if I say no, I've been told off by people because they thinks hurting her. It's getting to be really hard to deal with her. I'm at a loss as to what I can do next, it's my fault she's lost everything again. Sticker charts aren't helping, limits and schedules don't help her, talking about her siblings only makes it worse I frequently tell her they love herald miss her and I know she's upset over loosing them. I have debated on sending her to him as thats the only way she'll see them but then I know she'd be in a world of abuse over these behaviors and missing me since she'd  not be allowed to speak to me even. So I'm desperately seeking advice....

[Sandman2]

    Wow, just the length of your letter tells how much you care.
She has gone through a lot and things like that don't disappear overnight.  There are behaviors that she has learned for survival and it will take awhile to unlearn them.  Don't expect it to happen overnight.  Jemma has lots of good ideas.  Consistency is going to be very important.  That will lead to trust.  But it will not happen overnight.
   And, Jemma is right, talking to her when she is having a tantrum - won't work.
   The rule is that when she starts a tantrum - she gets a short timeout.  And the timeout does not start until the tantrum stops.  She will go nuts for a while.  Just keep repeating - "as soon as you choose to stop your tantrum, the timeout will start and 2 min later you can ..."   Do not try to reason with her or talk with her while she is yelling.  You are just playing into her hands.
  Essentially, the rules for behavior modification are that there must be immediate, short, consistent consequences.   Do not expect overnight miracles.  It has taken her awhile to get to this point and it will take a while to relearn control.  But she will.
   I would also look into buying "Cool down and work through anger" or "When I feel angry" (under $10 on Amazon). This is part of a series of books aimed at 4 to 7 year olds and meant to be read to them at night (several times) and then practiced.  Kids do need to be taught how to deal with anger.  You do not try and use these techniques while she is screaming.  But once she stops or later on in the day - you can refer back to them or pull the books back out.
You can find them here -  http://www.amazon.com/Cool-Through-Anger-Learning-Along/dp/1575423464/ref=pd_sim_b_5
     Finally, you said, "we are in the process of waiting for her appointments to be screened".  Is this though the school system?  I would assume that she is in Kindergarten?  Make sure her teacher knows what she has gone through and that she really needs a friend.  The school can really help you.

[jemma116]

First of all, you did the right thing to get out of a very unhealthy and violent relationship (this relates to emotional abuse as well as physical).  It is just sad that your other children are left with their father with regard to what you say about him.

Your young daughter has experienced some very bad situations and does require specialist psychological help.

At home when she has a tantrum, just leave her until she gets over it, put her into another room if you have to.  You cannot reason with a child that is going through a tantrum phase.  When she has calmed down, explain that you will not tolerate this behaviour, give her a cuddle to reassure her that all is now well.

Whilst out shopping when she does have a tantrum, be firm and do not give in to tempting her to stop with offering sweets and treats.  This just gives her the message that if she throws a tantrum she will get what she wants.  I know this is very difficult and very embarrassing for you.  Never mind what other people think.

At meal times, it is best not to give in to giving her what she wants all the time.  As she does like the hotdogs, give her this say once a week as a treat and a meal that she will look forward to.   Incorporate healthy foods like fresh vegetables and fresh fruit.  There is bound to be a fruit that she will like.  If she doesn't like a particular food, try offering it to her, but do not make a big deal of it if she refuses to have it.  It may take a few attempts before she will try anything new.  Avoid any drinks that contain E numbers, because these can affect moods.

Show her lots of love by way of cuddles and kisses and telling her you love her frequently.  She has lost her family environment, albeit not a healthy one and she will be confused and missing her other siblings.  

She is not able to express in words how she feels and some of the "tantrums" may be a way of showing her unhappiness of what has happened.  I say "some tantrums", because young children will scream and shout and have tantrums to get want they want and this is used as a manipulating ploy to get the parent to give in.   Don't, it will be much harder later on as she gets older.  You still need to have some discipline and boundaries.

Interact in fun play and read books to her that you allow her to choose.  All kids love to look at pictures and listen to stories, and they love to have a story read at bed time.  They are likely to want to hear to more stories, but you need to be firm and say that you will read again tomorrow.

Best of luck

[MarkLakewood3367]

Given everything your daughter has been through, is she receiving mental health counseling?  If not, this is where I would start in terms of getting your questions answered.