Bad behavior

[GMan1208]

My Nephew is violent and verbally abusive to my daughter. He is being raised by a single parent and has had it hard. She has taken him to doctor after doctor, however I simple believe it is her lack of parenting. She deflects and defends him when I confront her about his behavior. I am worried that my Nephew is going to hurt my daughter. My Nephew threatens her and calls her a F'ing ***** and *****, and in some cases nothing is even said to him. When my Sister does discipline him it turns into a war, with him screaming, blaming doors and throwing anything he can pick up. We live in same apartment building and I can't even let my daughter go outside when he is outside. I am reaching a breaking point, need advice. I am not going to turn my family in to CPS/DHS, but surly there is something that can be done.

[RockRose]

Is there some reason you all have to live in the same apartment complex?

[Sandman2]

    Hopefully, it helps.   The books are good.  Maybe drop us a line in a month or so and let us know how things are going?

[GMan1208]

I will certainly try this, and look into the books. If nothing else maybe I can learn something. Thank you for your advice.

[Sandman2]

    Yes, it certainly does sound like his home environment is a huge factor.   That is one reason I suggested the book I mentioned above.  Of course, the problem is that for any behavior modification to work it has to be immediate, and consistent.   Doesn't sound like that is going to work with the above since that actually requires a bit of time and effort.  
    However, it is possible that since the boy is getting bigger - your sister/mother will soon need to see the importance of getting some control on the situation and might pay attention to the book.   Another really good book which works pretty well with older kids is -  Love and Logic by Fey and Cline.
     Anyway, if the lad is not getting into trouble at school, then apparently he is not doing at school what he is doing to your daughter - which means he can control him self.   I would let your mom and sister know that as soon as he threatens your daughter - she needs to leave.   She needs to consistently and immediately do this.   Sooner or later either he gets the message and stops, or your mom and sister decide they want to see more of your daughter and make him stop.   And with summer fast approaching and more free time for the kids, this is certainly the time to start doing something.   Oh, you daughter should probably say in a non threatening, factual way why she is leaving.  She should not get in an argument.   Just a simple, "you are being mean.  goodbye"  and leave.
     Basically, you don't want to get involved too much.  You want the focus on him, not you.  You want an immediate reaction (your daughter leaving him) to his action.   Many times, kids will work this out on their own.  If he likes having her around this will also help.   There is always the chance that he does these things to get her attention.  In which case, her leaving will also help him figure out what is right or wrong.  
      By the way, this will not happen overnight.  Experts say it takes about 3 weeks of consistent action to change a behavior, so don't expect overnight miracles.   Hope this helps.
    

[GMan1208]

He is good at school. My sister has taken him to doctor after doctor after doctor. The last doctor said he had conduct disorder. This made my sister believe he had brain damage due to the fact the doctor said his brain may (may) not be developed. The truth is I see what the doctors do not. My sister works nights. She comes home does what she wants and goes to bed. My mother watches the him during the day, and sees to him being feed and getting to school. Neither one teaches him anything. He is only disciplined when he is bothering them, and then it is my sister yelling at him that he is pissing her off. He has never been taught not to do something because it is wrong. With that being said, I need advice on what to do about my daughter. He is mean to her, and when I step in my sister becomes angry with me. I cannot allow him to continue to threaten and verbally abuse my daughter. I have tried to explain to him that women are not treated this way, and that no real man would treat a women this way, however he laughs it off. I get very little help from my sister. In some cases she even turns it around saying my daughter started it. For example; Last night my daughter went to her grandmothers. My nephew was there playing. My nephew pointed an air pistol at my daughter. My daughter left immediately, however he followed her out, and once they were outside and away from my Mom he called her a F-ing Wh0r0 and next time he would turn the safety off. My wife, who was standing at the end of the stairs and out of my nephews view over heard. She intervened, and my nephew called my wife a bi!ch. Nothing was done, my sister told him to go play and went back to talking to my Mom. He has no respect and is becoming more and more violent. This may seem like a rant, however the truth is my nephew is my sister's responsibility to raise, but my daughter is my responsibility. I plan to raise her the best I can. I have taught her that only punks treat women like crap, and real men do not tolerate it. So how do I protect her, without damaging my relationship with my Mom and sister.

[Sandman2]

    I wonder if he is having problems at school.  If he is, it does show signs of a problem more then just bad parenting.  If this only happens at home, then, yes, parenting techniques could be improved.
    And from your brief description, her techniques are not very effective.  Discipline to change behaviors does not involve screaming or wars.  Why don't you buy the book, "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark, and give it to her.   Its pretty cheap on Amazon.
    Oh, and if he is also in trouble a lot at school, then perhaps he has something like ADHD - which is a whole different parenting situation.  If you think that is possible, I am also the CL here - http://www.medhelp.org/forums/ADD---ADHD/show/175  ; and can help.

[GMan1208]

My Nephew is 9, my Daughter is 11

[Sandman2]

     It would help to know how old your nephew is as different things work for different ages.