Four Year Old with Explosive Anger

[Babs414]

My four year old daughter has been placed on probation at daycare for her explosive angry outbursts.  According to the teacher, they seem to come "out of no where" and she has a "hard time coping and controlling herself".  In our experience, she has the outbursts when we are trying to discipline her (or take something from her - she has an annoying habit of placing small objects in her mouth).  These episodes can last anywhere from 5 min up to an hour, with her screaming and flailing, kicking & throwing things (she has thrown chairs at school).  Generally, we put her into time out (again and again, as she runs out of her room).  We've tried calming techniques - it just seems that once she's angry, she's very, very angry and out of control.
She is very bright (is starting to read, knew 8-10 colors by 18 months, has very good verbal skills and talked very early).  She also never slept well as an infant and was a demanding baby - also very alert as a baby.  In fact, she still has a hard time going to sleep, and usually goes to sleep around 9 pm (and is up at 7 am).  We put her to bed around 7:30, but she doesn't go to sleep until later.  She also stopped napping at between 2.5 and 3 years old.
My husband feels that the daycare is over reacting and that part of the problem is that she isn't engaged enough at daycare and isn't with peers that are at her intelligence level (I tend to disagree, a lot of the parents of the children at the daycare are engineers - I tend to think that there's probably a lot of bright kids there)and that she's overtired.  
I'm wondering if it isn't something more.  I remember being very angry as a child (similar to how my daughter acts)- I had more attributed it to the verbal and physical abuse that went on in my childhood.  I did have PPD after her birth, and have suffered for most of my life from general anxiety (I'm currently on Celexa, which has been a godsend!).  Also, (over the last year), my DH has been having problems handling his frustration (we also have a 2 year old) and has resorted to yelling and arguing with our daughter (which makes the situation worse).  He's even done things like hold her in a lying position while he rinses her hair out during bathtime because she's not holding still  - the last time he did this, my daugher unfortunately witnessed her parents yelling at one another and my husband storming out of the house (my daugher then asked if daddy was "going to marry someone else"). I usually end up stepping in when he's angry - I feel a referee. He also has a tendancy to nit pick little things (don't fidget, don't tap that spoon on the table).  I think that this also has a lot to do with her behaviour - she handles things by being angry and yelling because that's what she sees him doing.  Belive it or not, he is otherwise a very involved, loving and attentive father.  He just has issues sometimes handling his frustration (and no, he has never hit either the children or myself. Any suggestions?

[amie777]

A related discussion, anger in children was started.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It is of course sensible to be conservative about the use of medication, but it is not out of the qusetion. At this point it's worth having the evaluation and see what comes of it, including the possibility (and it is not a certainty) that medication might be recommended.

[Babs414]

Thanks for the response.  I have also suspected that there might be something additional going on with her.  We also previously had issues with her biting - although that did finally go away - but only with a lot of close watching/shadowing (thank goodness our center at least has the policy of trying to do everything they can to help - on this particular issue, however, they don't seem to have any good ideas on how to solve the problems).
We have been working with an early childhood development specialist - she has suggested that we try a rewards program (for good behaviour), and is also checking with a local psychologist that she works with to see if he has any other suggestions.
Since this may be a biological thing, I suppose that means that she'll likely need meds?  I'm just very leary of meds in someone so young.  I, myself only started taking meds a year ago (in retrospect, I should have done it a lot sooner, but I nursed both our children until they were well over a year old and didn't want to risk any potential side effects (I know there are "safe" anti-anxiety/anti-depressants, I just wasn't comfortable taking any risk).  Is it common to put children her age on meds?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Both you and your husband display biologically-based emotional disorders, and it is very probable (due to this positive family history) that your daughter does as well. Sometimes when young children exhibit tantrum behavior when they are frustrated and angry, it is due primarily to developmental immaturity. When managed correctly, they mature over time and develop better control over their impulses and manage their anger better. Other times the primary contributor to such extreme behavior is a biologically-based mood disorder and I suspect that is what is occurring with your daughter. Your husband's explanation for the behavior is not sensible; he is not facing up to the problem. It has nothing to do with the degree to which she is being challenged at school (how does he 'explain away' the behavior at home?). Arrange an evaluation with a child psychiatrist, and be sure to inform him/her of the family history. Your husband would do well to arrange an evaluation for himself. He would find that he can manage his own anger better is his condition were treated.