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Blended Family Issues
My boyfriend and I of two years both have a son from previous relationships. My son is 5, his son is 4. We do not live together yet. The kids love being together but they do argue. My boyfriend and I recently started arguing because of the boys and our differences in dicipline. His son is a complete crybaby. He cries if he slightly bumps himself, if he doesnt like his food, if he doesnt win. You name it he cries over it and my boyfriend picks him up and spends 20 min comforting him every single time. He lies about everything and makes up the craziest stories. He blames my son for the things he has done even before we know about it. He runs tell on my son for anything he thinks will get him in trouble. He hits my son constantly. Like if my son wins the game or exposes the truth about something he has lied about. My boyfriend makes excuses for him and gets mad at me when I say anything about it. It is just not fair to my son and we can never live together if it doesnt change. How do I get my boyfriend to understand he is rewarding bad behavior and it is making me and my son nuts?
I just got married and my husband and I still have some issues with this very same problem only our sons are further in age. My son is 8 and his son is 2 1/2. If you want to be with this man then you need to talk to him about it seriously, it isn't always pretty and you do have to curb your feelings a little bit, but it will never work otherwise. If he really wants to be with you he will listen to your suggestions on it but you also have to give a little and take his suggestions, because when you talk about someone else's child they all of a sudden have a lot to say about yours. You both will be mad at each other but you will get over it if you want it to work and if you can't then you know it will never work and you will just resent him or his son in the long run.
Dr. Kennedy,
My household has numerous family dynamics. My husband and I have been married for over 5 yrs. I have a son (16) and a daughter (14) from my previous marriage, my husband has a son (15) from a previous relationship and we are adopting a son (16) who is a friend on his son. In addition to this our respective children all have either half or step siblings with their other parents.
My daughter and his son, used to play together (ages 8-9) and this is how we met. Over time the relationship (ours with them, them with each other, and us with each other) is becoming strained. My children have always had structure, rules, and been required to be cognizant of other people’s space and possessions. My husband's son does not have this in our home (from my husband) or in his mother's home (who has moved 8 times in the 5 yrs we've been married). Our adopted son moved in with us last yr at 15 and grew up with an abusive meth addictive mother. He is remarkably well adjusted, and honor student, with good morals. He also has issues with respect for others (usually in regard to time and money)
The biggest issue I have is by and large our house is relatively quiet and peaceful when my stepson is not here. When he is here, it is chaotic; he destroys things, steals from his siblings, lies, drinks and smokes (at his mother's). He is just a disrespectful destructive child. My husband sees some of it; he will occasionally address some of it. But most of the time it goes unchecked. I have tried disciplining him, when my husband is gone and the kids are all with me and he will tattle to his mother who will come get him and he then skips out on punishment. Or I have set a rule for all kids in front of my husband advised everyone of the punishment or reward and try to hold all accountable. But if I hold my stepson accountable who will break the rule just for attention, his father will do nothing or get mad at me. He'll tell me I am picking on him. He is defiant of all authority figures, to his peers (he will challenge them to a fight), if he antagonizes someone and they retaliate and hurt him (sometimes minor-and overdramatized sometimes more significant) he'll cry and fuss, playing the victim. He is small in stature and weight for his age (his mother is 4'10" and 87lbs.) He does this intentionally, to get a reaction and then pity if he's hurt.
My stepson is also ADD, and was on meds but we stopped them because while they helped him focus and control his impulses, he was much Angier on them and more destructive and losing weight. He drilled holes in the siding of our 4 yr old home and voided the 50 yr warranty on it. His father yelled at him but did nothing else and even the next day took him golfing to "bond" with him.
We have taken my stepson to a therapist who has told us that I cannot discipline his son, and he cannot discipline my kids. Yet there are times when it cannot be helped. If he is drilling holes, or cutting curtains I am not going to sit by and watch it happen. This is my house too and I have worked too hard to maintain it. The therapist also said that he was ADD as a kid with behaviors very much like my stepson's and he grew out of it and even got a Doctorate. He said we also cannot discipline him if we didn't see him do it. I contend this is not so. If he is the only child in the house, the other three are gone for 2 days and suddenly there are cut marks in my couch cushions, who else would have done it? My stepson sat right there and admitted (in front of myself and my husband) to the therapist that he does these things because "my Dad won't do anything". The therapist's response was well (to my husband) "you need to start doing something about it". To which he said I know, but still does not. He recommended and so have I that we go for marriage counseling and my husband says no because our marriage is "fine".
Which in the absence of my stepson it is. But I don't want to get to the point of divorce because of my stepson's behavior I am forced to choose my children's welfare over my marriage!
I would love your suggestions!
Thank you,
Michele (Busy Mom of Four)
My household has numerous family dynamics. My husband and I have been married for over 5 yrs. I have a son (16) and a daughter (14) from my previous marriage, my husband has a son (15) from a previous relationship and we are adopting a son (16) who is a friend on his son. In addition to this our respective children all have either half or step siblings with their other parents.
My daughter and his son, used to play together (ages 8-9) and this is how we met. Over time the relationship (ours with them, them with each other, and us with each other) is becoming strained. My children have always had structure, rules, and been required to be cognizant of other people’s space and possessions. My husband's son does not have this in our home (from my husband) or in his mother's home (who has moved 8 times in the 5 yrs we've been married). Our adopted son moved in with us last yr at 15 and grew up with an abusive meth addictive mother. He is remarkably well adjusted, and honor student, with good morals. He also has issues with respect for others (usually in regard to time and money)
The biggest issue I have is by and large our house is relatively quiet and peaceful when my stepson is not here. When he is here, it is chaotic; he destroys things, steals from his siblings, lies, drinks and smokes (at his mother's). He is just a disrespectful destructive child. My husband sees some of it; he will occasionally address some of it. But most of the time it goes unchecked. I have tried disciplining him, when my husband is gone and the kids are all with me and he will tattle to his mother who will come get him and he then skips out on punishment. Or I have set a rule for all kids in front of my husband advised everyone of the punishment or reward and try to hold all accountable. But if I hold my stepson accountable who will break the rule just for attention, his father will do nothing or get mad at me. He'll tell me I am picking on him. He is defiant of all authority figures, to his peers (he will challenge them to a fight), if he antagonizes someone and they retaliate and hurt him (sometimes minor-and overdramatized sometimes more significant) he'll cry and fuss, playing the victim. He is small in stature and weight for his age (his mother is 4'10" and 87lbs.) He does this intentionally, to get a reaction and then pity if he's hurt.
My stepson is also ADD, and was on meds but we stopped them because while they helped him focus and control his impulses, he was much Angier on them and more destructive and losing weight. He drilled holes in the siding of our 4 yr old home and voided the 50 yr warranty on it. His father yelled at him but did nothing else and even the next day took him golfing to "bond" with him.
We have taken my stepson to a therapist who has told us that I cannot discipline his son, and he cannot discipline my kids. Yet there are times when it cannot be helped. If he is drilling holes, or cutting curtains I am not going to sit by and watch it happen. This is my house too and I have worked too hard to maintain it. The therapist also said that he was ADD as a kid with behaviors very much like my stepson's and he grew out of it and even got a Doctorate. He said we also cannot discipline him if we didn't see him do it. I contend this is not so. If he is the only child in the house, the other three are gone for 2 days and suddenly there are cut marks in my couch cushions, who else would have done it? My stepson sat right there and admitted (in front of myself and my husband) to the therapist that he does these things because "my Dad won't do anything". The therapist's response was well (to my husband) "you need to start doing something about it". To which he said I know, but still does not. He recommended and so have I that we go for marriage counseling and my husband says no because our marriage is "fine".
Which in the absence of my stepson it is. But I don't want to get to the point of divorce because of my stepson's behavior I am forced to choose my children's welfare over my marriage!
I would love your suggestions!
Thank you,
Michele (Busy Mom of Four)
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
You cannot make your friend think in different ways - if you take that approach you will be frustrated. An option is to discuss the nature of the problem (i.e., that you have different ideas about how to deal with the kids), and that the problem is interfering in your relationship. Agree to seek counseling to resolve the differences.
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