Boyfriends 7 yr old

[czylady]

I have been involved in relationships that have kids but when I got involved with this one I had no idea how hard it was going to be. I am a 35 yr old professional woman that lives in an apartment with my dog. I decided not to have children so I got my tubes tied and have no regrets doing so. After this weekend I know why. My boyfriend whom I care & love very much has a 7 yr old boy. I have never experienced such a needy & demanding little boy. He can't stay nor be alone. When my boyfriends in the shower he sits by the door waiting for him to finish. If the door is unlocked he will go in the the bathroom & wait for him to get done. Is this seperation anxiety? He is attached to the hip of my boyfriend. He has all the classical signs of being spoiled. I do believe that his mother jumps at every whim to keep him from lashing out. He has temper tantrums if my b/f is out of sight. He manipulates every situation to get his way. The down side to that is that it works. This weekend I spanked him & put him in the back seat of the car while my b/f was in the grocery store. You would of thought I was killing the kid. We have an understanding with discipline & we do believe in spanking. We do not reward bad behavior. He threw 4 temper tantrums in one day, he absoulutly has no independence. He can't play by himself. He has to constantly have a playmate. When he has a playmate he is very bossy. We have been seeing eachother for a yr now & it has gotten worse as time goes on. I am worried that he has the potenial to turn violent when he reaches puberty. He was held back in the first grade b/c he wasn't mature enough to continue. I enjoy this man but don't enjoy his child. He has come between us so many times our relationship is on the line and I reached my ropes end. We are very active with him, we read, go camping, praise him when he deserves it & he is rewarded when he does his chores. Which involves feeding the dog, taking the garbage out, ect. I like to believe we are raising to be a responsible young adult. Where is this behavior coming from? Visiting is every other weekend. It's horrible & I no longer know what to do. I realize its hard in a divorced family b/c discipline is inconsistant between homes. The mother has a b/f as well. When he is asked if there is something going on at home, he doesn't say anything. Is there a reason why he doesn't feel safe or is he scared that his dad is going to up & leave him? I don't know what the root of the problem may be, we have discussed it all weekend long and have no answers.

Open for advice and suggestions.

[midwestgrandma]

Halleluia--there are still some young parents out there that still believe in Spanking.  I can tell from thoroughly reading this girls e-mails and responses that she is not one to deliberately hurt any child.  At least she and her b/f are trying to point this child down the right path.  I raised two of my own kids, several of their friends and my grandson for two years after his father's untimely death.  My Mother never heard of a "time out"!  If we did something wrong, we knew we would get a spanking.  I believe that if more of you out there would resort to spanking again and quit letting your children run over you, we wouldn't have near the problems in society that we do. It's called suffering the consequences of bad behavior!
It appears to me that this little boy at the tender age of seven is a master of manipulation and victimization.  Guess what's going to happen to him in another seven years if he continues down this path!!  He should feel very lucky that he has a Dad and girlfriend that at least take an interest in him.  For you that made the comment about "if you were his Mother, you'd take legal action"---I say bullhunky!  If the mother had been taking the time that this little boy needs in the first place, none of this would have happened!

[sajdanstef]

I have to agree with others that perhaps you may be adding to the problem, though not necessarily the root of it.  This is a 7 year old boy, not a grown man, or a little soldier who will obey your every command.  I have a 7 year old boy.  They are not perfect - they will challenege the world they live in.  They can be annoying.  They do not always follow the rules.  But, with a good dose of love and caring parenting, we can usually help them become happy rounded people.  You obviously see this child as a threat.   You have indicated that he is driving a wedge.  No, he isn't.  You are building a wedge by seeing him as a threat.  That is particularly destructive.  I do understand - I was a step parent before I had my kids - it's very hard.  You cannot manufacture a magic feeling of maternal love that you simply don't feel.  That is not fair to yourself.  However, you must acknowledge your limitations and perhaps limit your role in his life - or you will undoubtedly not last long in this relationship.  If your BF has any spine at all, he will choose his child over you  if he has to - which is natural for any decent parent.  So, try to work with the situation, if a family is what you want.  Recognise it for what it is. He is a little child with emotional problems.  He needs help and love, not alienation.  As for spanking him - how do you think that will help build a relationship with this child.  Regardless of views on spanking, you are not the parent - you are not exactly jumping gleefully into  a parental role, so you have as much right as your stepson's teacher to spank him - zero in my view.  You do not appear to be balancing the discipline with unconditional love - something a natural parent finds much easier than a step (again - been there, done that - I understand the difficulties you face emotionally).

The doctor has already said this child has problems and needs help - primarily caused by inadequate parenting.  How will hitting him resolve his poor parenting issue.  I am trying not to jump down your throat about the spanking thing, because I am sure your intentions are not cruel, but I just don't see how this will make this a happy family for any of you.  You may have to face up to the fact that this may not be right for you.  My thoughts are with you, and your little step son.  I wish you luck and I hope you can look at this situation with a good dose of honesty with yourself.  There are many step parenting websites and forums available, which I found very useful (I village has a good one).  My stepson is now 24 and I love him dearly and really get along great now.  Not so well when we were first together as a family.  It was extremely challenging at times and I was also guilty of not seeing him as the little guy caught in the middle of the tumultuous dynamics of step family relationships.  It is hard, but as one poster said - you have a choice.  This little guy does not.  All children should be cherished and loved, and disciplined appropriately.  There is a great book that is often touted on this web site - SOS for parents.  That may give you some great ideas that won't leave you looking or feeling like the bad guy.  Believe me, parenting carries with it a lot of guilt - whether the kids are yours or not.  It's guikt that makes us question ourselves, learn from our mistakes and become better parents.  Please do one thing .... if you look at this with true honesty and decide that you actually despise this child, then please stay away from him and get out of the relationship.  You will ruin his life and possibly yours too.

Good luck - Sara

[lmroswell]

Put yourself in this child's position.  When did his parents split up?  If it was in the last few years, he has felt that separation, too.  Not just his parents.  He is probably not real happy in even contemplating sharing his dad.  And his natural mother is in a relationship, too.  Every kid wants to identify with their parents and his family, and maybe this situation is too much overload for him.  I agree with the doc, counseling with the parents together with the child will help.  It's going to take time and maturity for the boy to learn how to deal with what is going on.

[midwestgrandma]

Why is it that everyone reacts to the word "spanking" as though it is compared to a severe beating.  In my world, spanking means arranging your hand across the bottom end of a child and smaking them hard enough to get their attention!  It does not mean brutally beating a poor child to near death and then rushing them to the emergency room!  Again, this world simply and eagerly blows everything spoken into gradious exaggerations.

I love children and they love me in return.  However, they must be taught to respect their elders (including parents) and to obey those commands that are given to them out of pure love.  Spare the rod and spoil the child---where have I heard that before?

Once again, I read into this girls original plea that she does love the child--(read the part that says she and her boyfriend spend time with this child).  She is simply wanting to discipline this child and cares enough to steer him in the right path at this early age.  Sounds to me like she and her boyfriend have made decisions together and have the child's best interest at heart.

[czylady]

This is not a competition with his fathers affections. I have undoubtablly wanted to bow out of the situation all together. Thought just maybe that would be the best thing at this point, it has been discussed & ruled out by his father. I am not the "needy" GF that wants to be with him all the time. In fact I encourage one on one time. I understand how tramatic it can be for a kid of any age, I DO have compassion. It's not like I am not trying to make it easier for him to understand that I really do care. BUT he has to know that life is full of disappointments & bad behavior is not rewarded. I am the one who does activities with him certainly not his mother. I always always arrange for things to do that help his mind & patience.  I have read the advice given by all, I have digested it. I have broad shoulders & can handle the finger being pointed at me. I have failed to mention that this boy has been in therapy with a child physcologist. The mother and father took turns taking him on alternate weekends. As I recall the mother stop taking him due to the therapist telling her that he blamed her for the divorce. It was just a comment and she took it personally. Every since then none of them continued going. Now I doubt that any mother is going to take responsiblity for being a "toxic" parent. How can I be the "root" or the blame when I am 250 miles away and I am not there in the same town. I am in a whole different state. I still stand my ground on the spanking thing. But hey, if this relationship ends b/c of this I can guarntee 100% that this will not only continue, it will get worse. BTW~ I am not personally attacking any mother, both tumbs up to all. A personal thank you to the midwestgrandma she obviously been through this type of thing before. I doubt that her kids turned into a Jeffery Dahlmer b/c she spanked them.

Keep the comments coming, good or bad. I am a very realistic person not to mention brutly honest.

I do remember someone asking how long they've been divorced. It's been 2 yrs. but they have been seperated for a yr before t it was final. I am just naturally appauled by his mother's behavior as well. We encouarage Sunday school & we do take him on the weekends he is visiting. BUT there is no consistancies between households.

[Carmella123]

czylady,

As a stepmother of an almost 15 yr old boy I had to respond to your request for advice and suggestions.   I've been in my DSS's life since he's 3 years old and we have a great relationship.

Being a stepmother is more difficult than having your own children (which I do), IMHO.  The best advice I can give you would be for you to not discipline this child.  That is his mother's and his father's job, not yours.  You may protest - what is this boy to do?  Walk all over you when he's with you?  Of course not, but it is your bf's job to tell his son he is not to speak to you or treat you that way.   Stand your ground and walk away.  Keep your hands to yourself!  

He only sees his dad for a few days a month.  Let them be pleasant visits.  You do not have full custody (and you, as a girlfriend, have even LESS of a right to decide what this child does or does not do).  In my case it took me a long time to realize, this is not my son.  I must abide by his mom's and dad's rules.  If they're going to screw up, then that's on them.  My stepson knows that I love him very much and he can talk to me about anything.  I will nurture him and support him, but disciplining him isn't my job.

Do yourself a favor.  If you can't step back and be this little boy's friend, if you feel you MUST be the one to 'save' him from his horrible mother, I suggest you step away and let them be.  At least, don't visit your bf on the weekends he has his son.  It's hard enough for the boy I'm sure to be separated from his Daddy.  To add another heavy hand on him is most likely breaking his spirit.   He's no doubt responding in the only way he understands, by lashing out, sticking to his daddy's side, throwing tantrums in protest.

As far as spanking goes, what if your BF said you weren't behaving like a good girlfriend today and decided to spank you and put you in the backseat of the car to make you think about it?  And what if you were completely helpless to get back at him?  Would you want to be in that situation?