Child Abandonment

[Kristi]

A friend has two children:  ages 22 months (a boy) and 4 years (a girl).  My friend has filed petition for divorce from her husband, the children's father, who has a substance abuse problem.  The father has a history of "indulgence" in which he was away from his wife and children for a period of days to weeks.  After his most recent episode, he was detained for about a week, then disappeared after his release.  It has been over 4 weeks now and he's made no contact with his wife or children.  Prior to his detention, he would come over and see his children frequently.  Now that he has disappeared, his children, especially his 4 year old (the girl), is asking for her father.  A visible change has taken place with both kids.  The 4 year old aks for her father constantly and cries constantly.  The boy is become aggressive.  When asked, the mother tells her kids that their father is at work.  However, she cannot continue to lie and make excuses for him.  She does not know whether he is in the county, in the state, or even if he is alive.  
My question is:  what can the mother tell her children about their father to help them cope with their feeling of abandonment?  Should she "level" with them and tell them he may or may not come back, continue to make excuses with the hopes that he may, or try to detach them completely from him?  Your help would be appreciated greatly.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Kristi,

Your friend is in a difficult situation, because she does not know what has happened to the children's father. A sound rule of thumb in such situations is to tell the truth in a manner that is appropriate for children's ages and abilities to understand. The truth of the matter is that she does not know where their father is, and this is all that can be said. It is not a good idea to make up stories to explain his absence. The stories do not help - they don't really explain the absence and they do not help with the sense of loss that the children are experiencing.

Stories like yours are examples of how family members are victimized by a person's problem with substance abuse. They are often in and out of their children's lives and can't be counted on in any reliable way. Hopefully the children won't continue to live with this reality, but the prognosis is not good.

[Kristi]

What is an "appropriate" response for a 4 year old?  If my friend tells her daughter that no one knows where her father is, the daughter may become "obsessed" (for lack of a better word) with the need to find him to ease her feeling of abandonment.  And how should she respond to her 2 year old's behavior?  He cannot comprehend that his father has left him to pursue his "vices".

I know there is no one token response, but any suggestions you could you provide would be appreciated greatly.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Kristi,

The response is: "We don't know where dad is. We haven't heard from him for a while. We hope we see him soon, but we just don't know."

Beyond this, all one can do is be attentive to the kids and patient with their understandable upset.

With the four-year-old, it's also OK to talk about their father having a sickness. The sickness involves his using things (drugs, alcohol) that are not good for his body. Sometimes when he is doing this he goes away for a while. It's a problem. We hope he gets some help for his problem.