Clinical or Learned: Child Behaviour

[AndyM63]

Hello friends, and i say this in terms of us being either specialists in a particular field, or as academics, parents or just associated with this topic.

I am an experienced father of 4, my oldest is 26 years old, twins at 23 and a girl at 13.  These darlings are from my first marriage and i am presently working at a wonderful relationship with my new girl now.

It is my understanding that before me, an abusive environment existed with my new girls boys (8,11) and their father.  Distancing, dismissal and sometimes extreme physical behavior was laid upon them.  However, i am not directly looking at this as being the area responsible for the answer to my next question.

The 8 year old boy, of this new relationship, seems to melt down when attempting to play and games at home.  PC games, console of just Monopoly!.....If he loses or feels challenged, he blows.  I will define "blows" shortly.

He does extremely well at school and shows non of these behaviors, however, it IS becoming a problem for the rest of the family unit, at home.  The frequency has not necessarily changed, nor the length of the out-bursts, since i have been around.  However, the aggressive tendency's are starting to pitch in frequency.

My question is this.  Is this learned behavior, reactive behavior or could there be a mental-illness factor to all this?

When he blows, he is very bad tempered, throwing, kicking items of his own and others.  Kicking walls and doors and growling at me or his mother and brother.  he flares up and when we interact..he calms in about 15 minutes.

At present we just remove the offending item he is blowing at...but the behavior is "bleeding" into other things.  Lazy to keep his room tidy...self cleanliness etc.  Other useful habits are falling away.  Cleaning teeth, obeying mum..etc.  He loves to push the physical boundaries ...by pushing and hitting me.

Please...ask away if you need more info.  But if you have any experience of this..please reply.

regards

Andy

[specialmom]

Well, to answer your direct question----  it could be all three and even perhaps at the same time.  If his father figure handled his frustration with violence, shouting or angry, hurtful words then he is more likely to do so himself.  That was a role model for him.  Now, every kid who has anger and frustration issues doesn't have an abusive parent.  They may have never learned how to deal with their emotions and become overwhelmed with them.  You and your new girl need to model appropriate reactions at all times.  Stay very calm which it sounds like you do.  You can't undo what has happened but you can make sure no further damage is done.  It may also be reactionary.  He has been through a tough time in his short life, it sounds.  And no matter how nice you sound (and you do)---  a kid always misses their dad.  (it's like dogs that are beat----  they come back.  Kids constantly seek approval from abusive parents----- even when they aren't kids anymore and have grown up.  It is a dynamic that hinders the lives of many adults even.  And he is only 8!)  He is reacting to disappointment in himself, anger and frustration of the game.  He is probably a perfectionist to some extent and this is hard.  Perfectionists are actually pretty insecure because they only feel okay if things are perfect---  and who is perfect?  So helping him give words to how he is feeling is important.  Talking to him after an episode when everything has cooled off and just see what he is thinking.  That is a good place to start as to how to help him adjust his feelings to stop the blow up.  And lastly, I guess mental issue can always be a possibility.  It is unlikely from your description but he may eventually have anxiety or depression if he does not learn to handle the emotions and rage.  There is a subgroup of men out there that I would say their number one symptom was anger/rage.  They were usually depressed and suffered from anxiety too.  So you want to watch him as he grows older.  He doesn't sound like he has a nervous system problem as he does well in most other areas of life.  
As far as consequences...  natural consequences for a boy of 8 are good.  If he throws something or breaks something.  He has to "fix" it.  He has to clean up what he has done or pay for what he has broken.  If he kicks in a wall and leaves a mark, he has to clean it.  Etc.  If he blows during a video game----  it's off for the night.  If he blows during a family game, game is over.  Etc.  Earning a favorite activity like even playing video games by showing progress in handling situations in which he is mad is a good idea.  

It is hard being the step parent in these situations.  It is good to leave discipline to his mother but you can still be an awesome role model and give good guidance.  Being a friend and cheer leader will help him too.  I wish you lots of luck.  

[91004]

I am guessing by physical behavior you mean he was abused as in hitting, violence, or screaming.

Do you all live together I am guessing you do and for how long if that is the case?


Has the child always had the aggressive behavior?

[kerry63]

Children constantly test us, sometimes to breaking point. I know its difficult but patience and unwavering kindness and understanding will pay off. This is a tall order even if you are a saint.Try to get him to talk with you on his likes and dislikes and perhaps find a connection point with him. In years to come he will see how good you have been to him, not only has his own father left a painfull legacy but he is probably touching on puberty too.  My own daughter had an abusive partner and her children got a bit of a rough deal, but she is now married to a fella who is very good to them. He chastises them but also takes them fishing supports them when they play in the school football team . At last they have a good role model. Keep up the good work and accept as much help as you can, its not easy I know.