Aa
DON'T LIKE MY SON
How can I pretend to like my son? He's 7 years old and is a smart mouth and does the opposite of what I say ALL THE TIME. I've punished him but it doesn't help. I work and my husband stays home with him. I know my husband needs to be more consistent and supply more structure and dicipline but he doesn't. I get to the point where I go down to the basement right when I get home from work, shut the door and stay there all night. I can't stand to be around him. What should I do? I want to love him and I find myself bonding with other kids because they act the way I would like my son to act. I'm so lost, what should I do?
________________________________________________
** CLOSED DISCUSSION**
NO MORE COMMENTS PLEASE
________________________________________________
** CLOSED DISCUSSION**
NO MORE COMMENTS PLEASE
________________________________________________
I think this thread is supposed to be closed. It is very old.
Please do start your own thread to share your own personal experiences directly. We will close this thread. All further comments will be removed.
******THREAD IS CLOSED********************
******THREAD IS CLOSED********************
This is such an OLD post. And quite a controversial one. Maybe someone can start their own thread that is more current rather than getting fired up about things written years ago.
This is not a very helpful answer!!!! Ive had the same experience with my daughter and she later ended up having a diagnosis of aspergers syndrome. I have to agree, i dont always like my daughter either! I do love her though! People who haven't had to deal with these type of children think that there's always an easy answer! It's a hard road to travel when you're dealing with a child with special needs! Seek out some professional help and you might be surprised with the results.
I have to say that I can't fully fault Krissy on how she feels... I am the mother of 3 boys.. My oldest who is 15 is absolutely HORRIBLE, I am already dealing with having an autistic teenager as my 13 year old is autistic and I also have a 6 year old. Now, my 15 year old has been 'acting out' since he was 10 years old.. everything from stealing, to violence. I have been beaten up on a weekly basis for 5 years, I have begged everyone from the cops to psychologists for help, I have gotten services in home to try to help him.. Now that he is 15, he is even more violent, mouthy, and is still stealing, now he is smoking and has even started touching the drug subject. I truly can't stand to be around him.. I look at him and my stomach turns.. I have NOT raised my child to act this way and nothing short of jail is ever going to change him.. I have decided that I will be making a call to our dept of children services in hopes that they will put him in a group home that will teach him some form of disapline that he will respond to. I am truly at the point that I can NOT do this any more.. I am tired of hiding the marks that my child leaves on me when he beats me up, I am tired of putting a smile on my face pretending that everything is fine.. I am also tired of having to lock EVERYTHING in my house up because my son is a thief.. if something doesn't give soon he WILL end up in jail ...
So am I in the wrong? NO I am not... there have been 100's of people who have tried to help me with my son and NOTHING has worked... now he is going to have to go somewhere else so I can protect my other children.. I will NOT allow him to hurt them or to try to instill these dispicable behaviours into them.. he is the posterboy for Juvinille Delinqency and I don't know if he can be helped at this point.
So am I in the wrong? NO I am not... there have been 100's of people who have tried to help me with my son and NOTHING has worked... now he is going to have to go somewhere else so I can protect my other children.. I will NOT allow him to hurt them or to try to instill these dispicable behaviours into them.. he is the posterboy for Juvinille Delinqency and I don't know if he can be helped at this point.
To all of you women who chastized Krissy for coming her and being honest with her feeling instead of trying to help her shame on you. Like you are the perfect mothers. I went here to look for help with my child issues but i'll be damned if I'll write anything here and be judged by the likes of you. You all must be angelic like mothers who are perfect cooking baking mothers. Why are you on this site? Really answer that question for me. It certainly isn't to help anyone. You're nothing but a coffee clutching but of not it alls. God I can't stand people like you and I've had to deal with way to many of you.
I am a woman in her mid-40's and I had a mom who never really bonded with me as a mom. I don't think my mother was a bad person or even someone who didn't care. She just had issues that made it hard for her. Sometimes we both pretended that nothing was wrong and sometimes we fought. Sometimes she blamed me. Sometimes I think she even felt guilty. And just sometimes when the fun was more important than the loss, we were both able to say "so what, we have what we have and its nobody's business but ours".
I turned out OK. I want you to know that because no one should want to die because they can't be the kind of mother they think they should be. There are ways you can provide for your kid and help them with the reality of who you are, even if you really can't bring yourself to be the "mom". Your child will grieve but he/she won't necessarily be destroyed.
For me it was a lot like having a parent die. It was hard. it sometimes still is hard. I don't think one ever gets over entirely the loss of a mother, even if she never really mothered you beyond giving birth. But it didn't doom me or make me a damaged warped human being.
I think i turned out OK for three reasons. First there were other people in my life who could give me a mothers love, most notably my Grandma. I was loved and nurtured even if it wasn't the usual way. My Grandma died when I was 24, but at least I have memory to look back on. That resource of love has carried me through many difficulties. There is no law that says love has to come from a specific source, so long as there is someone somewhere who does love your child and always see their best potential and encourage and empower them towards that. If you can't be the one, help and support your child in finding others and they will grow strong.
Second, from time to time my mother was honest with me about it just being the way she felt. I know people on this board have recommended pretending, but I think that only works if you can "act as if" without actually feeling "as if". Love is indeed a behavior and not a feeling, but not everyone can act against their feelings.
Over the years my mother's moments of honesty have helped me understand that it wasn't my fault. It also gave me my reality. It is hard enough not having one's biological parents be one's main source of love, but if your child suspects the truth and you pretend, your child loses twice. They won't have your love and they won't have truth. Truth at least lets us grieve and move on. Truth lets us accept love where it is given rather than endlessly try to dip into an empty well.
There are a million zillion people that hate the idea of a mother who does not bond. They will tell the child over and over that she should just try harder, be more patient, tell the parent that she/he is needed and loved, get a new attitude, be more respectful, etc, etc. Those voices are hard because they put a lot of pressure on a kid and the mother to make nice even when the mother just doesn't want or can't have the expected relationship. Healing only comes from accepting what is. Sometimes what is includes a desire for more. But sometimes it doesn't. It is still what is.
Third, she tried to find a way to connect to me that did work for her. If relating to your child as aunt rather than mother or as "someone else's kid" keeps the connection going, then do that. Even if it is not in your heart to be the "mom", some connection is better than nothing I think, assuming you can manage it and feel good about it.
In my mother's case, she felt most comfortable in the role of sister (Grandma was also her mother). That was sad for me, because I would have liked her to have been able to be my mom in every sense of the word. However, I think it was better to have at least some relationship even if it wasn't the standard relationship.
So, again, what I want to say to the Krissy13's out there. There is no right way to be a mother. Even giving birth to someone is a huge achievement. You gave someone life! You played at least some role in the nurture even if it was only when your child was very very little. That is an all important contribution even if it isn't as big as the contribution you thought you should make.
There is no shame in allowing your child to be nurtured by others if you really can't do it yourself. There is no requirement that you go from the extreme of being everything to being nothing. There is no shame in being honest with yourself and allowing both you and your child to grieve what maybe ought to be but still is beyond reach. Allow yourself what you can, be honest with what you can't. Ultimately love is not a role, but a relationship, whatever form it takes.
I turned out OK. I want you to know that because no one should want to die because they can't be the kind of mother they think they should be. There are ways you can provide for your kid and help them with the reality of who you are, even if you really can't bring yourself to be the "mom". Your child will grieve but he/she won't necessarily be destroyed.
For me it was a lot like having a parent die. It was hard. it sometimes still is hard. I don't think one ever gets over entirely the loss of a mother, even if she never really mothered you beyond giving birth. But it didn't doom me or make me a damaged warped human being.
I think i turned out OK for three reasons. First there were other people in my life who could give me a mothers love, most notably my Grandma. I was loved and nurtured even if it wasn't the usual way. My Grandma died when I was 24, but at least I have memory to look back on. That resource of love has carried me through many difficulties. There is no law that says love has to come from a specific source, so long as there is someone somewhere who does love your child and always see their best potential and encourage and empower them towards that. If you can't be the one, help and support your child in finding others and they will grow strong.
Second, from time to time my mother was honest with me about it just being the way she felt. I know people on this board have recommended pretending, but I think that only works if you can "act as if" without actually feeling "as if". Love is indeed a behavior and not a feeling, but not everyone can act against their feelings.
Over the years my mother's moments of honesty have helped me understand that it wasn't my fault. It also gave me my reality. It is hard enough not having one's biological parents be one's main source of love, but if your child suspects the truth and you pretend, your child loses twice. They won't have your love and they won't have truth. Truth at least lets us grieve and move on. Truth lets us accept love where it is given rather than endlessly try to dip into an empty well.
There are a million zillion people that hate the idea of a mother who does not bond. They will tell the child over and over that she should just try harder, be more patient, tell the parent that she/he is needed and loved, get a new attitude, be more respectful, etc, etc. Those voices are hard because they put a lot of pressure on a kid and the mother to make nice even when the mother just doesn't want or can't have the expected relationship. Healing only comes from accepting what is. Sometimes what is includes a desire for more. But sometimes it doesn't. It is still what is.
Third, she tried to find a way to connect to me that did work for her. If relating to your child as aunt rather than mother or as "someone else's kid" keeps the connection going, then do that. Even if it is not in your heart to be the "mom", some connection is better than nothing I think, assuming you can manage it and feel good about it.
In my mother's case, she felt most comfortable in the role of sister (Grandma was also her mother). That was sad for me, because I would have liked her to have been able to be my mom in every sense of the word. However, I think it was better to have at least some relationship even if it wasn't the standard relationship.
So, again, what I want to say to the Krissy13's out there. There is no right way to be a mother. Even giving birth to someone is a huge achievement. You gave someone life! You played at least some role in the nurture even if it was only when your child was very very little. That is an all important contribution even if it isn't as big as the contribution you thought you should make.
There is no shame in allowing your child to be nurtured by others if you really can't do it yourself. There is no requirement that you go from the extreme of being everything to being nothing. There is no shame in being honest with yourself and allowing both you and your child to grieve what maybe ought to be but still is beyond reach. Allow yourself what you can, be honest with what you can't. Ultimately love is not a role, but a relationship, whatever form it takes.
WOW How can you say that about your own child. You need to give him love spend time with him go to the park - chucky cheese - beach ANYTHING JUST Spend time with him. He is longing your love. THAT is all. How can you say that you want to get rid of him -- HE IS A PART OF YOU -- YOU and YOUR HUSBAND. You need to get talk to your husband to be a Father A PARENT and so do you. Get Help --- ITs called LOVE Show Love -- Give time to your child. He doesn't act like that other places because they show him love - that he is someone and important.
Are you kidding me, get him tested. Kids are kids. Obviously he is not getting any attention at home, he is bored, unchallenged, not fulfilled, disrespected; cause guess what moms and dads we can manage to disrespect our kids too just because they are children doesn't mean they aren't worthy of respect. RockRose I find that you might be the kind of person that uses riddlin on the young ones when necessary right. Or maybe a sleeping pill, a little extra cough syrup when they don't go to be on time. CHILDREN are WORK. If this womans husband is not providing the attention that her child needs when she is away that that is why she finds him so disruptive when he is around her. Because he is angry he blames both of them for his discomfort. I hate when people try to find a diagnosis for everything imaginable. Quit being LAZY people, they are not our little soldiers and are not just going to fall in command when they see us. Smarten up, use your head. Ask him WHAT IS WRONG. DO YOUR JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
as its you that feels this way some therapy may help you ...good luck
sounds like u r ready to decide your son or your boy friend, that is sad
. . by the way, u addressed your message to someone who wrote originally 4 years ago
if your child is perfect for everyone but u, then it can not possibly be that hard to figure out where the problems are.
hope u figure it out and have a better life
. . by the way, u addressed your message to someone who wrote originally 4 years ago
if your child is perfect for everyone but u, then it can not possibly be that hard to figure out where the problems are.
hope u figure it out and have a better life
get help some therapy would be good .
Ive just googled 'I hate my son' and im so glad i found this. My just turned 8 yr old son is actually so badly behaved right now,for the first time in my life i screamed 'I hate you; to him. I love my son more than anything in this world but his behaviour is just so out of control right now,he is making my life a misery. My partner and I are arguing constantly over it as he is my little boys stepdad. He is strict with my son in discipline and recently as he has been so naughty, feel all we are doing is shouting at him and my partner is ready to walk too. My sons real dad has him one a week and is a loser,who doesnt discipline him at all. I actually have thoughts of putting my son into care too,although i never would. I feel terible for feeling this way,i just wish he would listen to me,do as hes told,so we can both love him again. He is an angel for everyone else,and at school,very quiet little boy. I work part time and i do do things with him,although my spare time is limited. I just want my little boy back. He is 8 but seriously turning more and more into a baby again.
I understand how you feel dear & I myself and im a similar situation...although he is my 6 year old step-son. I have tried and tried to like this kid. He never listens, tells me & his sister he hates me, interrupts and argues with me even about things he knows nothing about. harasses his sister, pees & poops his pants on purpose because it grosses me out, torments the neighbors dogs, screams at the top of his lungs when the other children are trying to sleep...and on and on and on. I am sorry...but why in the world should I like this kid when he so obviously does not like me and is a little jerk to his 2 sisters. Oh dont get me wrong, he's a perfect angel when his dad is around....most of the time. But im sorry..he is god awful, and his personality/behavior IS who he is. Most of the crap he does is willful & intentional. Why should I be nice & keep trying to get him to have a relationship with me, just so he can dump on me.....I dont care if he is only 6 years old. So Krissy, dont worry...there are women out her who know exactly how you feel.
What I want to know is: how come if the kid was at home with his MOM all day we'd all blame the MOM for the kid's behavior? But with this kid who stays home with the dad all day (why?) we STILL blame the mom??? Me, I'd check out the dad's role in all this: is he passive aggressive---manipulating by subtly rewarding the kid for acting toward the mom as HE himself would like to??? Or maybe he just wants to make staying at home with the kid seem like an unattractive job so that he gets to avoid working??? (I'm sure stay-at-home moms know a few like this also?)
sorry this is so old and long ...I forgot to put the last post was for phasengod
the 11 yearold jealous of the younger child ,'he is a parents dream' this is what you have said here about the youngest child .no wonder the older child is unhappy , he probably picks up on that attitude ,maybe focus on his positive side and praise him when you see him doing something right, get his Dad doing guy things with him ,having fun and sports ..He is feeling left out ...
I don't know what else to do...he sees a behavioralist 2x's a month and a psychiatrist once a month, and is way smarter than an the average 20 yr old however is lacking the life experience needed for the role he feels he plays in the world...I assume he he hate me as he does his brother cause of the annimosity of feeling he can't follow instructions, if its something he chooses not to do...he's even threatened to kill his younger brother and us very graphic about it...I often wonder when is it not because of "adhd" or "odd"....but because he's just an "a.s.s."...I wish someone would tell me to just walk across hot coals or cut off my hand and it will fix it, cause id do it...
My son is 11 and gas a 6 yr old brother...I too am not satisfied with the relationship I have with my son...he only appears to act out at home where there's structure...his younger brother however is a parents dream...very lovable and willing to do the correct actions to get attention...my oldest has been diagnosed with "ODD"...(OPOSISITIONAL DEFIANCE DISORDER) which makes him fine in other homes and environments because he can do whatever he wants...im list for an answer also and im an involved stay at home dad...mt wife makes good money at the local police department, and im in construction so I find myself at home alot recently...however I have been certified as a foster parent also and been thru over 18 months of parenting classes and workshops
My son is 11 and gas a 6 yr old brother...I too am not satisfied with the relationship I have with my son...he only appears to act out at home where there's structure...his younger brother however is a parents dream...very lovable and willing to do the correct actions to get attention...my oldest has been diagnosed with "ODD"...(OPOSISITIONAL DEFIANCE DISORDER) which makes him fine in other homes and environments because he can do whatever he wants...im list for an answer also and im an involved stay at home dad...mt wife makes good money at the local police department, and im in construction so I find myself at home alot recently...
All mothers dislike, dare I say hate, their children for at least a split second through out the struggles of parenting.
I am a parent educator, I have a child and my job is to teach parents that are in the child welfare system because of child abuse.
I know first hand what unloved and neglected children look like.
And if you think you are above the natural human response of projecting your frustration and fears of not being a "perfect" parent onto your innocent child you are deluded.
Take a Buddhist philosophy and apply it to parenting...everything is temporary. One second you will feel like snapping and the next you will melt at their adorable littel feet.
An ongoing problem needs help in the form of education and counseling (as to avoid being a family I would serve). We are imperfect humans so we are imperfect parents and ITS OK.
I am a parent educator, I have a child and my job is to teach parents that are in the child welfare system because of child abuse.
I know first hand what unloved and neglected children look like.
And if you think you are above the natural human response of projecting your frustration and fears of not being a "perfect" parent onto your innocent child you are deluded.
Take a Buddhist philosophy and apply it to parenting...everything is temporary. One second you will feel like snapping and the next you will melt at their adorable littel feet.
An ongoing problem needs help in the form of education and counseling (as to avoid being a family I would serve). We are imperfect humans so we are imperfect parents and ITS OK.
All of us are "not so perfect", but sometimes we forget, because we're
"not so perfect". Children need and deserve patience, love and understanding
and so do the rest of us.
I tell my son every day how courageous he is to choose to not take his life. I hope to tell him again tomorrow.
When a child cries for help, we try to help.
What about the rest of us?
"not so perfect". Children need and deserve patience, love and understanding
and so do the rest of us.
I tell my son every day how courageous he is to choose to not take his life. I hope to tell him again tomorrow.
When a child cries for help, we try to help.
What about the rest of us?
Krissy, are you still there? I read all the posts today and worry that you may have done something drastic. I hope you got some help for your depression, but I know when you're poor therapy isn't always an option, which is ironic, because it's often the poor who have the most stress and the most need.
I just came upon this today because I googled "I don't like my son". It's not true, I do like my son, but he's difficult and we had a bad day today.
He's 7 and he's whiny, needy, and bratty, and I don't know how to change his behavior. I really want him to become a calm, rational, kind, polite adult, is that too much to ask?
I've been under-employed for several years now and it's really gotten to me. I hate being a maid cleaning up after him all day and in fact the beginning of summer vacation makes me want to cry knowing I'll have him at home every day. I really wish I could be a sweet, kind, loving parent, but sometimes I don't know how to start.
Today was bad. I swore at him and threatened to hurt him. Now I feel terrible and I apologized, but I need to make some changes in myself so that it doesn't happen again. I can't imagine how it sounded to his ears to hear his mother say that to him. I would like to think he won't remember it as an adult, but he probably will.
I feel like I have a limited amount of patience with his moods, a limited amount of imagination to entertain him and little desire to clean up after him. You are NOT alone!
I just came upon this today because I googled "I don't like my son". It's not true, I do like my son, but he's difficult and we had a bad day today.
He's 7 and he's whiny, needy, and bratty, and I don't know how to change his behavior. I really want him to become a calm, rational, kind, polite adult, is that too much to ask?
I've been under-employed for several years now and it's really gotten to me. I hate being a maid cleaning up after him all day and in fact the beginning of summer vacation makes me want to cry knowing I'll have him at home every day. I really wish I could be a sweet, kind, loving parent, but sometimes I don't know how to start.
Today was bad. I swore at him and threatened to hurt him. Now I feel terrible and I apologized, but I need to make some changes in myself so that it doesn't happen again. I can't imagine how it sounded to his ears to hear his mother say that to him. I would like to think he won't remember it as an adult, but he probably will.
I feel like I have a limited amount of patience with his moods, a limited amount of imagination to entertain him and little desire to clean up after him. You are NOT alone!
This discussion was closed by the MedHelp Community Moderation team. If you have any questions please
contact us.
You are reading content posted in the Child Behavior Community
Fearing autism, many parents aren't vaccinating their kids. Can doctors reverse this dangerous trend?
Is a gluten-free diet right for you?
We answer your top questions about the flu vaccine.
Learn which over-the-counter medicines are safe for you and your baby
Yummy eats that will keep your child healthy and happy
Healing home remedies for common ailments
