Disiplining very strong willed 5yo boy

[mum23]

Would appreciate thoughts on my 5 1/2 yo son's behaviour.
He has severe tantrums one to two times weekly which only really started in earnest around 5 (he was always strong willed but behaviour has worsened).  Trigger is usually being told he cannot do/have something or being told to wait a few minutes b4 having/doing something.  He is a very controlling & intelligent child and displays v. good behaviour most of time including when out and at school...as long as he is getting his own way (with me or with his younger brothers...)
If I tell him no or later and then ignoring his whining quickly turns into screaming and he hits/kicks/scratches/bites me. If I try to walk away he will sit on floor gripping onto my leg and screaming/hitting/biting me or chase after me. ie. making it impossible to ignore him
When I try to time him out he will not stay where he is put (eg.on step) and the only way I can time out is to literally carry him to his room & hold the door shut (while he continues hysterics, throwing things against door etc).  This is obviously not a sustainable approach as he is getting bigger and I will not be able to man handle him into a room for much longer.
He has been told outright that while being angry is OK violent behaviour is not acceptable in our family and that he will lose prized possesions if/when it happens. Today after an big blowup - for the first time a newish toy was put into the bin permanently - this in itself caused an hour of extreme hysteria including him emptying out the bin in an attempt to retrieve it a number of times...I eventually had to lock it into the car so he couldn't get at it... he won't be getting it back.)
I am left wondering if this is the best way to discipline him (taking things off him...) or would you have any other ideas that might work with him?
We do not hit/spank him.
Thanks

[Natta1980]

Is he getting "his way" at school all the time? My son's problems started at school and moved into home....

What do you mean by "very controlling"?..


Thank you

[Mom2TnK]

I think the idea of taking away a toy is a good one, but instead of permanently (which makes you much less likely to take away a toy for an infraction), why not take it away for a day or two, a week (at the most).  Something predefined though.

Also, what about an incentive system.  He starts off each day with three happy faces, he loses a happy face for breaking family rules, which you define (e.g., any physical display of agression; after being told to do something and then given a warning, still not doing it would result in a happy face loss; other problem area he may have).  At the end of the day, he can trade in left over happy faces for an extra story, 10 minutes extra play-time before bed, a dime for his piggybank, other small things that he might really value, etc. . .If he ends up having no happy faces left at the end of the day and then misbehaves, this would be the time to take away a toy for a specified amount of time.  

Also, work on ways with him to vent his anger appropriately--he just doesn't know.  Perhaps when you get angry next time, make a big display of using your words to say "I'm angry"  then taking a deep breath in and then blowing out slowly (like you are blowing bubbles), tell him this is how we calm ourselves.  

Just some thoughts. . . .

[mommaof4ormore]

My question for you is are you a christian or do you believe at all what the Bible teaches on discipline?

A spanking if done right is not hitting a child. Hitting is done in anger and frustation. A spanking is done in love.