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Father Daughter--What's is Normal?

I have been living with my fiance for a couple of years and recently his 19 year old daughter came to live with us for a few months.  Until recently, all of the daughters (2 biological and 3 step-daughters from 3 marriages/live-in relationships) "hated" him until I talked one into coming to live with us by assuring her that her father no longer has a raging, violent temper she described.  By the way, the daughter who just came to live with us had run away from her father at age 16 to move into with one of his 40 year male friends with whom she had a sexual relationship.  She is now almost 19 and recently started living with her father, me and my children.   But his other daughter still will not speak to him because he has a raging temper and physical abuse.  He and his daughter seem to touch more sexually than he touches me.  For example, they kiss on the lips (which could be normal in some families), he looks at her with lust and grabs her buttocks, he has shown her sexually explicit movies since she was 12 years old, in the ocean and in pools, she straddles his crotch rubbing her gentiles against his and they bounce around for 10+ minutes, she rubs her butt up against his crotch on the couch and then spoons with him (her buttocks to his penis area), he makes shockingly sexual jokes such as ("is your ***** clean enough to eat off?" after she commented that she bathed herself), he strokes her hair lovingly (which might be normal), they massage each other's shoulders/chest area, and so on.  When I've told him (multiple times) that such behavior made me VERY uncomfortable and I have never seen a man touch his daughter in such ways, he rages at me and tells me I have no right to tell him what he can and can not do with HIS daughter.  He said he doesn't tell me how to raise my children; I calmly respond that if I ever straddled my teenage sons and dry humped them, he has my permission to tell me it is inappropriate but such behavior is repulsive to me.  By the way, years ago he told me he is a "sex addict" and used to go to weekly sex addicts anonymous meetings because he could not stop masterbating every day to online porn--sometimes up to 5 hours a day.  We have not had sex in years and he rejects my affection saying he is "impotent" and screaming at me to get away from him yet I see him masterbating.  The only time I have seen him have an erection in response to me is when we first met 10 years ago and he described his fantasy that he'd like me to dress up like a little girl (12 year old "virgin"--which was the age of this daughter who now lives with us) because he wanted to painfully rape me to teach me a lesson while dressed as one of his daughters friends but I was not comfortable acting out sex with a minor.  That was the only time he got an erection with me and that was 10 years ago.  I had normal sex with my exs so this is the first time I have been a man who refuses to have sex with me; I don't pursue it.   I see him secretly watching online porn up to 5 hours a day but he lies about it so I ignore it or calmly tell him I felt neglected when he only seems to like to watch whatever he watches online.  He tells me he does it as a habit and it was a problem with his exs as well but he can not stop so I ignore it.  I am easy going.  I have never yelled at him but I have expressed my feelings that I believe he is crossing some boundaries with his daughter and we need to teach her healthy boundaries.  I told him I am sorry to hurt his feelings but I am worried about his daughter and worry that she needs to learn appropriate boundaries so she can have healthy relationships with boys HER OWN AGE since the only sex she has had is with a man the same age as her father (and hopefully she has not had sex with her own father--I don't have the nerve to ask him whether or not the behavior has stopped at the behaviors I describe above).  Do you think I am being overly worried about nothing.  Is this just their family "culture" that I need to get comfortable with?  I have never seen a man touch his daughter the way my current husband touches his daughter--NEVER.  By the way, he told one of his exs broke up with him by accusing him of lusting and/or (trying to) have a sexual relationship with HER daughter.  He did not have to tell me that so that made me trust him because he was open and honest about why that relationship broke up so I figured perhaps she was just paranoid (as he said she was).  When he said I was crazy to think he is doing anything wrong with his daughter, I asked him to tell me more about why his ex broke up and he ran off.   By the way, when I bring this up, I have encouraged him to have an affectionate, loving relationship with his daughters but to just be careful he is not crossing sexual boundaries.  I told him the "rule of thumb" was don't touch whereever the bathing covers and stop the sexual innuendoes/overt sexual comments but everything else is wonderful.   I REGULARLY encourage him to spend plenty of time with his daughter doing normal father-daughter (non-sexual) activities because I know they need to make up for lost time and she says she likes his new personality because he used to be cruel, raging and controlling until both of his daughters ran away plus I taught him how to communicate calmly without raging (except sometimes when he looses it).  They spend a lot of 1-on-1 time together which I encourage because they had each other before I came along and I think the non-sexual relationship they have is sweet.  By the way, I love her very much and I have tried to be a good role model for her and I have helped her get into college so she is currently away at college.  I care every much about her.  He says she and I look like twins and I do think she is a young version of myself in so many ways which makes me want to protect her.  Even though she is not my daughter, I have developed a mother-like bond and love for her and want her to have the best possible life which is why I am trying to ensure we are behaving in way that help her grow in a positive direction rather than feeling shame, guilt and disfunction.  But, if he will not stop this behavior, I don't know what I can do.  I feel helpless.  Their relationship seems to be consensual although she said she used to be uncomfortable by his sexual comments and such but now she is used to it and she says she loves being a "daddy's girl".  She has not lived with her biological mother since she was 6 years old and she insists that she "hates" her biological mother who has a history of drug addiction, multiple divorces, lost custody of all her children, etc.

What do YOU think?  Am I over-reacting?  Am I crazy about nothing?  Please...I would like a variety of perspectives so I can see what is considered the range of "normal"
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Avatar universal
If you haven't left him yet. Don't hesitate. You, your children and this girl need to be protected. His kids don't want anything to do with him because he was abusive.. He wants to have sex with little girls, there is nothing you can do to change or treat that. That kind of relationship is not worth it. He is not worth your children get sexually assaulted over, if it has not happened yet. It may be possible his rage was gradual since he did not get his way before.
Helpful - 0
535822 tn?1443976780
I agree with the other posers this does not sound good .,a few red flags go up when reading this .
Helpful - 0
376008 tn?1312481156
If what you've written is real,   G-E-T    O-U-T.   You are not overreacting.  Whether his daughter is an adult now or not, this is abuse.  and it sounds like it is abuse that has been going on with her since she was very very young.  And based on her having sexual relations with a 40 year man at age 16 as well as her current responses to his innappropriate behavior, it has caused a great deal of emotional damage to her.
This man has some serious, serious problems.  I couldn't imagine where on earth his behavior with his daughter would be considered acceptable.  Even if you take your lack of intimacy in the last 10 years out of the equation completetly, his behavior with his child is enough to cause great concern.  She may say she likes being "daddy's girl" now, but deep down, I dont believe that.  Sadly, its just the only relationship she's known with her father.  

He needs help,  
his poor daughter needs therapy,
and you need to get your own children away from this man

Good luck.
Helpful - 0
689528 tn?1364135841
It sounds pretty inappropriate to me. Have you ever tried talking to his daughter about how she acts with her dad or asked her about his behaviour with her when she was young?
Even though she is 19....she still may not know that it is even inappropriate. If it has been going on all her life, it is the norm for her...you know what I mean?  Some children being molested don't know it's wrong until they get out in the real world and realize "hey, this happened to me". She may learn this from her college experience.
It seems to me that your husband is abusive, if you constantly have to tiptoe around him or "calmly" speak to him so he doesn't rage....that is a problem. Also, if he hasn't been sexual with you in like 10 years, then I honestly can't imagine why you really do stay with him? I know it's hard to leave when you do love someone and their children but it sounds like he has nothing to offer you but anxiety and worry.
I know it's hard to hear but I honestly wouldn't put it past him if he was molesting his daughters when they were young.
The reasons why his previous relationships have failed is from exactly what you think....2 out of 2. Bad odds! :(
Helpful - 0
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