Favortism?

[mom2nicknjames]

I'm engaged to be married to a wonderful man. He has a  nine year old son from a previous engagement that ended when his fiance, the boy's mother, died tragically. Since then, they've moved on and he's maintained a close relationship with the boy's grandparents. More recently, he took on the responsibility of raising his late fiance's nephew, who's 11. We've all taken a liking to this sweet child, who has suffered through unspeakable horrors at the hands of his "parents." (I use that term loosely).
The problem I'm having is that I feel like my fiancee is showing favortism toward the eleven year old. He's strict with both boys, but often makes his own son adhere to rules that the older boy gets to ignore. He also seems to be more affectionate toward his nephew than toward his son, but I will say that he is also very loving toward his nine year old. I'll also admit that the eleven year old is starved for affection, and is happy just to get a hug or to be able to tell us all that he loves us, and to hear it in return.
I've tried talking to my fiancee about what I see, but he won't hear it. He says that his nephew needs a little extra love and leaniency, but the nine year old is starting to show signs of hurt because at times, the favortism seems blatant. I know that he means well, and he wants what's best for both boys, but I'm worried about the effect this is having on his own son, and the feelings of resentment this could lead to in the future.
Any thoughts on how I could try to approach this situation without upsetting our otherwise peaceful household?

[indigo39]

You may want to both sit down with the 9 year old and explain to him why the other child is getting so much more attention - that he has had a tough time and just needs a little extra love to help him along. You can encourage him to be extra nice, too.

But definitely, after a period of healing for the older child, the leniency needs to be phased out.  It may not seem like it, but he may appreciate having reasonable rules the same as his new 'brother'.  
If you don't explain this to the younger child, he may start acting out just to get attention.
Just a thought.
Good luck with your new family, and congrads on having found a caring and generous man!

[BabyHardiman]

Laurel94-
OMG!!  How rude and awful for you to tell this woman these things.  Not every situation is one like yours.  I have a Fiancee' with three girls and we have a little girl on the way.  He is an awesome father, he is a great provider and he has all of my respect.  "Baggage" come on!!!!  You really consider a child BAGGAGE??  Man!

I have hit ruff spots in this relationship, but nothing compared to what I went through with other IMMATURE assholes who only cared about themselves and "things" they had.. I would MUCH rather have the "baggage" of a man who cares deeply for his children, and cares to create a stable life.  There are MILLIONS of kids that do not have fathers who care for them.  I commend this man for adopting his nephew and showing him the love and effection that he needs.  You have to think that MANY people are more abrupt with their OWN off spring than they are with children who are not their bio child.  This man does sound AMAZING, to me.

Mom2nicknJames -

Stepparenting IS hard, no doubt about that.  No need to sugar coat it, but it can also be an amazing blessing if you really want it to be.  It takes diligence, commitment, grace, and a powerful love of your spouse to make it work.  I recommend the book "Divorce and New Beginnings" it's a great book full of logic.  Or, purchase and read other books on blended families.

DON'T let this pass you by!  He sounds so sweet.  I'll bet if you communicate enough, and with compassion, you will get through to him.    

[laurel94]

I would also get out of this relationship. I married someone with to kids from previous and they were great kids and i even got along with their mom but i'll tell you what marriage is hard enough and parenting is also hard if you want great kids but stepparenting is the hardest thing i've ever done in my life and if i had it to do over again i would run the other direction. i don't know how old you are but you need to find a man without kids and your fiances situation is even more complecated that i just would really urge you to not get married, and marriage is tuff believe me but when there are other children involved that aren't yours you just can't imagine. He is going to favor not just the 11 yr. old but they are both going to come first before you unless he's just an incredibly amazing person but even then.  Don't marry someone with baggage, start fresh TRUST ME!!!!!!!!    Good Luck

[LRM1021]

A few thoughts:

1. If the 11 year old has been through a very rough spot, it makes sense to ease into the transition into this new family. After a certain period of time, showing favoritism will be a problem, but later on in life, the 9 year old will understand why this is occurring right now during the transition phase. Children are always going to have some sibling rivalry-- I see my 40 year old husband arguing with his siblings,  and it all goes to "who is Mom's favorite"-- and these are adults (theoretically, anyway:)
2. If you have already brought your feelings up to your fiance and he won't listen to you, since these are his children and his responsibility,  you could:
- either take his word as final, or
- try again (which may yield nothing -- and might upset the peace you have been describing), or
- get out of this relationship. That may seem harsh, but there is an underlying tone here-- these are his children and his responsibility, and he is not taking your opinion into account and you guys have a serious disagreement about something as important as child raising. That's something I would think about.