HELP ME PLEASE!!! URGENT

[angel69]

My son is 4 years old and he is out of control at home and at school.  he is refusing to listen, refusing to do school work or homework, pushing, jumping up and down.  yesterday he went into a rage a thried to throw a chair at his teacher.  we just recently went through a change i ended up with a 5mth old two months ago, and that is when his behavior started and now it is out of control.  i don't know what to do!!!  i don't want this behavior to continue because i don't want him in jail by the time he is a teenager.  i need desperate help and advise before it is too late.  i have tried grounding him from his favorite things, i ve tried using the privilage techniqe, i even came down to spanking him (which after words im in the bedroom crying my eyes out) i don't know what to do,  im getting to the point to where i am fixing to listen to my grandmother, and pull his pants down and give a good spanking with a belt, but i do not want to do that because i don't believe in that.  Please help me!!!

[angelmommy]

If you want to spend an evening with him, set up a babysitter for the baby who will be flexible.  When you pick him up from school, ask the teacher how the day went.  If it's good, take him straight to the fun destination.  Tell him beforehand that when he's good at school he'll get ___ treat.  When you pick him up, give it to him immediately.  I'm trying this with my daughter, who misbehaves at school, and so far so good!  To make it cheaper to keep reinforcing her, I try free things, like the park or library to pick out new books.

[jayncandi]

Last year we took in 2 foster kids.  My bio children were then 7, 5, and 3 (all boys) and we took in 5 and 1 year old boys.  My 3 year old changed greatly right after they came to live with us.  He became mean and defiant.  We have always LOVINGLY spanked our children, but this child proved we needed to change our methods for him.  For a while I felt sorry for him and I let up on the discipline.  I thought if I just loved him enough and gave him some extra attention he would go back to the sweet boy he was before.  He was kicked out of preschool for being defiant and aggressive and I was at my wits end at home.  Each day when my husband got home from work I was a wreck!!  Finally I realized that I had poured on the love and attention without balancing it out with loving and firm discipline.  I inadvertenly made him a victim.  I felt bad that he had to share his mommy.  I felt guilty for turning his world upside down, for suddenly turning him into a big brother and no longer the baby.  All of these things had profoundly effected him, but my inability to maintain consistancy for him probably was the worst thing for him.  His world felt out of his control and all of the sudden I changed and was distracted and preoccupied and that just made it all feel worse.  I realize all of this in hindsight.  At the time I was lost for an answer.  Once my husband and I started to understand how all of this felt for him, we were able to move on and get back to our job of parenting.  We apologized to him and to all of our kids, had a "family meeting" laying down the family rules and consequences of breaking those rules.  And then came the really hard part, we had to be extremely consistant.  He pushed every button you could imagine.  He would hit me, throw things at me, hurt his brothers, spit on all of us, call me names and I had to be the one in control.  When he lost it, I had to not lose it.  He would make me so angry sometimes I had to walk away and give myself a time out.  But I always came back and followed through with the consequence.  After he spent his time in time out, he had to come to me and apologize and even though I was usually still mad, I needed to forgive him verbally, hug him, and then he has to pray and ask God to help him to obey, be kind, not hit..etc.  Then we just move on.  I do not hold a grudge, I do not bring it back up.  After about 6 months of this I started to notice him softening a bit.  His time outs were less often and he was beginning to apologize immediatly and put himself in time out.  I really believe that although he acts as though he hates discipline, he is lost without it.     I can relate to all of the troubles you are having and I want to encourage you that this too shall pass.  It has now been 1.5 years since the boys came to live with us and things are 100% better.  Unfortunately it is not a one time event that fixes this problem it is long term consistancy in discipline and love and attention.
What you have done for this baby is amazing and your son will adjust in time.  Have a little grace for him and for yourself.  Your world has changed alot too and a period of adjustment for the whole family is necessary.  But now that you see the problem, commit yourself to helping him.  Trust me it will only get worse the longer you wait.  For us this went on for  about 8 months before I got a grip.  You are 6 months ahead of me already.  I hope this helps.  I, in no way, claim to be an expert on anything, but I am a mom now to 6 boys ( had another bio child 2 months ago) and I feel like taking in our foster kids has taught me so much.  I will pray for you and your family.

[angel69]

I ended up with her two months ago (now 7mths old), her mother is a cracked out xxxxx.  She ended up in jail.  She was my sister's bestfriend for now of 13 years.  The mother got pregnant at 15, and when she turned 19 she joined the navy and got married (by then she had already had a second child by a different father) somehow while she was in the navy she ended up doing herion, she got kicked out of the navy and my sister let her move back to pensacola and move in with her, in hopes that she could help her sober up.  Needless to say she uped and moved out of her house and ended up pregnant again and pretty much spent the whole time of her pregnancy in jail when she got out she was on probation and we thought she had straightened out well needless to say she didn't.  so 2 mths ago my son went to prek (first day of school) and came home with a new baby in the house.  He agreed we could keep the new baby and he attitude did start changing and we thought it was because he needed more time with me, so when she would take her naps i would play or watch cartoons with him.  I would try to give him, his time also.  I live next door to my mother and there was abuse from the mother's mom, so my mother ended up with the 9 year old (the oldest child) and middle child went to his father's.  So once that happend his attitude became unbearable and then it got to the point of the tantrum at school.  The doc sounds correct in getting the child behavior specialist invovled but my insurance does not cover it, and i don't have the money.  So I am truely truely truely in need of any advise that any one could give me.  Thank-you very much for the advise that u have given me so far.  I'm thinking maybe i need to just find a babysitter for the baby and take him to a movie or dinner just me and him.  But I don't want to do something fun with him and he think it is okay to act out at school or home.  I don't know a whole lot of people, if u could ask around and see if u can come up with any advise I WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE SO MUCH.  ONCE AGAIN THANK=YOU

[jsuzanne]

How do you end up with a 5 month old...two months ago?

He's jealous of the new addition to your family, so he's acting out to get attention. You should spend time with him alone to make him feel that he's still important.  

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

You are right to refrain from spanking your son; it will not solve the problem. Also, don't try to solve this all by yourself. You are under too much stress and you need assistance. Seek help from his pediatrician - in particular, tell the doctor of the urgency of the situation and that you need an urgent appointment with a behavioral health/mental health clinician. Does your son have medical insurance? If so, you can call the number on the insurance card and tell them about your need and they will help you gain access to a provider who can see your son and you on an emergent basis. I infer from your message that things were OK until this change happended in the family. If that is so, there is reason to be hopeful that your son will revert, with help, to his prior level of functioning.