Child Behavior Forum
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Avatar universal

Help, my 6 year old is wanting to control the house

My daughter is 6, going on 7.  She is extremely disruptive-- kicks, screams, hits adults, tries to run away, causes scenes in stores, will yell that we are not her family.  My Husband and I are at a wits end because we have given her everything a child could ever want.  Her room is pretty much a playground (slide included on her bed), Disney world or Sea World once or twice a month, and anything she pretty much asks for, she gets.  I have tried everything from lightly discipline to extreme punishment.  I have grounded her, taken away her things, and then even tried giving her presents when she was good.  My problem is that I have two 18 month old children as well who need my attention.  All my attention is going on her because of her behavior.  No one wants us to go anywhere with them or do anything with them because my little saint of a child has become a problem child.  I am afraid that she is going to hurt someone, whether they be a child or adult because her behavior has come to the point that she beats on things, kicks things, will hit my other two children, and other adults.  She is also breaking things in the house because she gets upset.  I have tried a counselor, asked them to try medication which they will not because of her age, and have done everything that I know of to fix her outbursts.  I ask her why and her response is that she doesn't know, it just happens.  I don't know where to get help for her or what to do for her.. Can you PLEASE GIVE ME THE ADVISE I AM LOOKING FOR??  This family truly needs help because I don't want to have to put her somewhere.  She is my daughter and part of our family and we love her very much.  Thank you...

Mom needing help....
15 Responses
242606 tn?1243782648
You deserve credit for recognizing your need for help. You should not try to manage this situation on your own. It will be important to arrange a second opinion re: your daughter's emotional and behavioral functioning. The key issue in diagnosis is to determine if her symptoms indicate a biologically-based emotional disorder (e.g., mood disooder) or some other condition. The reason this matter is of such importance is that biologically-driven emotional disorders are amenable to use of medication (in addition to behavior management, environmental changes, therapy). Yes, she is young, but her age would not in and of itself prevent the use of medication.
Avatar universal
Are you serious about "Having her put somewhere"? Where would you put her?

Alot of people suggest activley rewarding the good and ignoring the bad.
Avatar universal
Exactly when did you notice this behavior beginning?  Was her development normal?  I'm assuming that you have twins and that may have been enough to bring on some behavior....especially if she got "all of your attention" before this and now has to share a great part of it.  Two 18 month old children have to require a great deal of your time.  Sometimes it helps to pre-teach.  What I mean by that is to tell her what will be happening prior to doing it and what exactly you expect of her AHEAD of time.  Also, try commenting on things she does with praise when she least expects it.  Have you been actively participating in her counseling?  This sounds like a family and individual intervention may be warranted.
Avatar universal
Thank you both for commenting.  Where we live, they have a behavior center for children of her age.  This isn't an evil place or lock down unit or something of horror for children.  This is where she is seeing her therapist for her behavior.  He has asked me to place her here with other children of the same behavior because she has actually gone to the point of trying to hurt herself as well as my little twins.  She isn't afraid of anything and really tries very hard to hurt others with her actions.  Sometimes she can be the most sweetest and caring individual in the world and the love she expresses just makes me want to hold onto her and never let her go.  But when she gets upset or something doesn't go her way, this violent and disruptive individual comes out of her with such rage, that my husband and I both have to hold her down just to get her to calm down to the point that she won't hit her head into the wall, or kick walls, chase her little sisters around to hit on them, or even run out of the house down the road in front of oncoming traffic.  The anger in her can get so bad, that one time she started throwing things around in a store and they called security on my daughter, almost calling the police because my husband and I were having such a hard time getting her under control.  She tells me that she doesn't know what is going on when these episodes occur with her.  She tells me that all she remembers is when she starts to get mad, and then sees her mommy and daddy again when she calms down.  My fear of all of this is that I don't want her to hurt someone or get any older with the problem progressing.  The older she gets, the worse this behavior is starting.  I started seeing signs of the problem when she was 3.  Before that, she was the most perfect little angel.  You couldn't have asked for a better child.  In school, she is a top student, never acts out at all, and they even say that she is almost too quiet where you don't even know that she is there.  I feel like there is two people inside of one person.  She has mentioned a couple of times to my husband and I, as well as her therapist that she just wishes her life could end.  This makes my husband and I both cry, because she really is such a caring little girl, and her life is just beginning.  To be 6 and say and do things like she is doing is honestly scaring me and I just don't know where to go.  Her therapist just asks her questions and listens.  He too has no solution for her.  I don't want people to think that she is this bad child, because she isn't like this all the time.  I really want someone out there to give me some advice on how I can make her understand that hurting herself and others, and breaking things isn't the way to solve anything.  I just want my sweet little girl back.
Avatar universal
You may want to check this website: http://www.conductdisorders.com/

It's a forum of parents dealing with very difficult children. They have lots of informations you'll find usefull and lots of experience on how and where to start to have your child evaluated for her problems.

Good luck!
Avatar universal
Thank you... I will do that...
Avatar universal
Also, this may sound cheesy, but Dr. Phil has a few references on his website that are Dr.'s as well that deal with child behavior and other options besides medication and dicipline which I think is most effective... Keep us posted and let us know if anything works. Good luck and God Bless
Avatar universal
I wanted to let you all know that I have been standing my ground with her this past week, and it seems to be working.  We made an agreement with each other that she would accept receiving gifts for good behavior only, and with bad behavior, gifts will be taken away.  I have stood my ground with her and for about 2 days, a tramendous war was within my household, but things are turning around.. I will keep you all updated and thank you so much for your help....
Avatar universal
I hope you all can maybe help me.  My daughter just had her 3rd child which is a baby boy. Her older children are 6 1/2 and almost 4.  This has just started since my daughter went into the hospital to have the baby which was Sept 12.  I have never seen such bad behavoir in her. I have had her sleep at my house and no problems.  My daugher has tried to punsih her by making her stay in.  Taking computer time away from her etc.  Nothing works. My daugher called me the other night at 10:00 in tears not knowing what to do to get my granddaugher to bed.  She was pulling a tantrum like you would not believe.  She would not even speak to me and i can usually calm her down.  Allison is her name.  she said to her mother you don't love me any more. You only love the baby. We have all gone out of our way to make sure the two girls were not left out of anything. Last night Allison woke up at 1:00AM and did not go to sleep until 4:30 AM. She is in first grade and needs her sleep.  I just spoke to my daugher and she was in tears not knowing how Allison was going to be when she got off of the bus today.  She has always been very well behaved.  This is one that has us all stressed.  Can you offer any help..  Thanks  Cathy
Avatar universal
I can relate to you. I have a 9 year old boy who is exactly as you describe your daughter. First I would like to say her age sould not matter when it comes to therapy and medication. My son has been on meds since the age of 7. He is very charming and loving but his rages are out of control. It seems as though we get it under control and then something triggers it again. Just this past week he punched our wall out of anger and broke his hand. In April of this year he was admitted into a behavioral center like you are speaking of. They kept him for 8 days and it seemed to help. But now he is getting worse again. I am glad you notice there is a problem. If your daughter does need to go into the behavior center it not as though you are giving up, you are trying to help her. Sometimes 1 hour a week is not enoug to uncover a problem. It took me a while to come to grips that my little boy had a problem that I could not solve but as you said my house was like a war zone. You and your family can not live like that, that includes you 6 year old daughter . She needs and deserve help so that she can live a socially acceptable and productive life. If you do not help her now, think of what her future might be like.
Avatar universal
I wanted to give everyone an update.  My daughter's behavior went in full explosion last Thursday.  She decided to go after herself with a pair of scissors, as well as her teacher in a classroom full of children.  She was placed into a behavior center and have placed her on a medicine called respridol.  She has been released back into my hands and I believe that I am seeing an improvement in her.  The experience of being in there has opened her eyes.  It truly broke my heart and she was taken 2 1/2 hours from our home, but I believe this has helped.  The violence that I previously experienced from my daughter has decreased tremendously.  She also has a fear of going back to the behavior center.  They diagnosed her with being "Bi-Polar" and a "Mood Behavior Disorder".  They told me that she doesn't know what is going on when she gets upset and that a child's rage in her case can get so intense that they do not understand what is going on, nor do they understand what is happening to the others in their surroundings.  I want people out there who have a child like mine to get the help that they need.  Every child is different and many who have older children when a new arrival comes, will experience some problems, but not like the ones we have to see.  I am thankful for this site because people's advice helped me and made me realize that I wasn't alone and that there is help out there if you just ask and find it.  What is best of all is that insurance does cover center's like the one my daughter went to when they need help.  I just wanted to say thank you.
Avatar universal
Parent the kid. You're going to have to learn to ride out the outbursts.  If you aren't mature, she won't be either.

You said "her room looks like a playground."

I have a friend, or had one, who would go to any lengths to get her kid anything she wanted.  Soon the kid was bored and her source of amusement was to see what she could get people to do.  She'd come to our house and ask my daughter to ask my husband to do this or that, like finish off the tree house or to take them somewhere.  As soon as he would do it, she wouldn't want anything to do with the thing.  She just wanted to see what she could get people to do.

This woman bought her kid a horse, lying to the rest of her family in the process, essentially embezzling from the family funds to do this.  The kid rode horses with my kid (who did not own a horse).  My daughter started winning and the kid was coming in second place, if that.  The mother was pretending to take the kids to the barn to take care of the horses on the way to shows, all the while lecturing my daughter about how selfish she was for ruining her daughter's career.  This woman was insinuating herself in score adding at events, cheating so her daughter would win and mine would not.

This kid, at 12 years old, dissolves into tears if anyone says no to her.  It can be anything at all, and this woman is so bent on not making this kid walk through a single tough emotion, that she has nearly broken the law to accommodate her.

It sounds like your kid is spoiled and you need to find the maturity to parent her.  Sounds like you need family counseling, and personal counseling.
Avatar universal
I am glad you daughter got help, my son has also been diagnosed with bipolar. He is on Geodon and clonidine. My son was on  respridol for a short while and it did not work long term. good luck
Avatar universal
You might try a book called The Explosive Child.  In addition to medication, the author has a great plan to help eliminate explosions in your house.  Good luck!
Avatar universal
I agree that your child sounds very spoiled.Frankly this is seen all the time now and it appauls me.If when I was a child I ever acted that way...whew,you dont want to know. Much less get everythihg you want all the time. When did parents become so afraid to disapline their kids? A good old fashioned spanking is not child abuse. My mother would spank me and you can bet I was on my best behavior and didnt act out like that.
You are letting the child call all the shots.Just taking away toys is hardly a punishment when the whole room is like a playground.
Children want disapline...they need it.They need structure. Dont be a doormat.
If you dont disapline your child society will (and has since she was already sent to a behavior center)
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