How do you tell an 8 year old that father isn't coming home?

[Lost_In_Ohio]

This is the second year in a row that my brother has left his girlfriend, who he has lived with for 10 years.  He not only leaves her, he also leaves my 8 year old niece.  If he just said that he didn't want to be with his girlfriend anymore but he doesn't.  He just stops coming home at night, secretly taking his stuff out the house, lies to the girlfriend telling her he helping someone, and doesn't have the guts to be a man. Today we hear from extended family that he is getting married on Saturday to some woman in Florida.  Which devastates an already depressed girlfriend. She has known for a while that he was cheating on her but she has allowed him to string her along and use her for several months. I think she still had hope that he would come back until today.  
Needless to say, his little girl who loves her daddy very much has had some problems the last few months.  She has turned into a very misbehaved and physically sick little girl.  She starts to improve and he shows up again long enough to pick up whatever he is after and he is off again.  At first, she would ask when he was coming home but she doesn't anymore. She does become physically violent with others, which is out of character. If anyone tries to correct her for anything, she explodes and runs off crying and saying nobody loves her.  It just enough to break anyone's heart to see her like this.  No one has told her anything about what her father is doing, just that they don't know when he'll be back. So, how do you tell her that he's not coming back? That he's living with a woman and her five children in Florida and is he going to marry her on Saturday? How can we help her and her mother get through this?

[babygirl6152]

You are well within your moral limits to keep him away from  you and your own children. Some people will not agree.

He wants his daughter? That will certainly send your sister in law over the edge- I hope she will consider anti-depressants just to keep her sane. My divorce when my husband abandoned us sent me to the GP for meds, and I am still on them 10 years later. There are also OTC ones, SAM-e, L-Tyrosine- but I guess she is on meds for bipolar- poor girl.

IF your SIL needs anything right now it is knowing she is secure in keeping her own daughter- if you all have the resources tell her you will help her financially with attorney bills if it ever comes to that-  you are right- she is the better parent by far- 'put your money where your mouth is" so to speak - if you all can afford it and she will see how sincere you are- that will be a great boost for her.

There is also something to be said for tough love even with a spouse- She should really never take him back unless he gets some help (therapy) or some sort of a renewed way of thinking he can step on others and his non-accountability is appalling- (WHATEVER!) ughhhh
Tell her- from some one who has lived this sort of nightmare to look on the net and read about tough love with a spouse. And send her hugs from us all-poor girl-

During the holidays- I agree! How LOW! yeah he has crossed the line- can't see past his own self centeredness though- SOunds like talking is worthless with him now- Only actions will show him you really mean business-

[Lost_In_Ohio]

Thank you all for your input.  I suggested to the mother to get my niece into therapy when he started doing this and she has yet to do so.  Believe me, I told her the last time that she shouldn't take him back but one can only make suggestions.  The mother is bipolar and came from a very bad family so all she has is me and my family.  She has always treated my brother like gold.

Me and my brother had always been close and had a very good relationship until last September, this is when he started turning our family upside down last year.  It's almost like he enjoys destroying the holidays for the family.  I've never been so angry or disappointed in him.

Unfortunately, he is aware of what this is doing to his daughter and doesn't care.  My mother finally got in contact with him yesterday and told him what he was doing to his daughter.  The only response he had for her was "WHATEVER."  I seriously think he has lost his mind.  Got word today that he and his new wife intend on coming to Ohio later this month and filing for custody of daughter on the grounds that the girlfriend was an unfit mother.  CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE THIS?  He is the one who abandoned his daughter, his is the unfit parent.

I just hope that he is real happy with his new family, because his actions have made him unwelcome in our parent's home, girlfriend's home, and mine.  Maybe we shouldn't feel that way but he has really crossed the line.

[kayakka]

If  your brothers girlfriend gets over the whole thing, that is a step in the right direction. If mother is feeling uncertainty about the situation, it will help stabilise things if she can move on from the failed relationship to give her and her daughter closure. I don't think Dad is aware of how much he is hurting his daughter? Do you have the kind of relationship with him that you can help him understand?

[91004]

Also I think it might help the girl to have a male romodel in her life as well like a uncle to go to the movies with or just to hang with(not to replace the father but I think every child needs a father and he is obviously not gonna be there)

[Brooke050870]

I agree with the post by 91004.  I cannot imagine the pain that the little girl is going through.  I have a son who is the same age as your niece and it breaks my heart to think of a parent hurting a child the way your brother has hurt his daughter.  Getting her and her mother into therapy is a good idea.  You said that you are the little girl's aunt, and you sound like a good aunt.  You can help by just being there for your niece and her mother.  I think if your family can offer constant love and support, it will help tremendously.  Any time there is a loss, if you have a supportive network of friends and family, it helps you get through the pain, pick up the pieces and move forward.  I wonder how long it will be before your brother pulls this same kind of stunt on his new wife and step children.

[91004]

For one the girlfriend should have never of let him come back the first time. This time I would not let him come back. If he wants to visit the child occasionally let him but not in the house where she will get the idea that he is back. They both(the child and the mother) should probally go to therapy. The girl is acting out because she probally thinks it is her fault and mite even blame the mother after awhile. I would suggest therapy to help her express her feelings. As far as telling her the dad isnt coming back, I would just tell her daddy moved to Florida so you probally won't see him alot. I would give the dad a choice you either sign your rights over and have no contact so she can move on or you get visitations and make sure your here for them.