4122676 tn?1350983776

How to talk to JEALOUS 11 yr old: her Mother is helping "SICK" terminal child.

Help! 11 yr. old girl is upset her mother is traveling along w/her sister & their mother w/very sick terminal child to Disneyworld for X-Mas. This is sick child's only vacation/wish in yrs. It's all about her last "trip/wish/vacation." She does deserve it, for she has endured much pain and heartache due to her fatal disease. This sick child is living w/her Aunt and family along w/her mom. Her mom need's the help of her sister and their mother. The hotel room is going to be too small 4 all but 4 poeple. The sick child need's quiet time and can't be out very much at all due to her disease, so it limit's the fun. It would be no fun for the cousin, but she is upset, angry, sad, and jealous and making it KNOWN to her mother leaving her feeling guilty as to not taking her. The child has school, as this trip will take place in week 1 of Dec. It is obvious it is not a option to take her due to the demands needed of the sick child and her mother need's the help of her sister.
The father of the 11 yr.old is upset as well, feeling4 his child's feelings. I've heard the story and it is BEST for the sick child & financially wise to just have the 4 people go and give this child a "dream" vacation at the very least.
How can it be resolved? This child is upset, but more "acting"out, because. It is really worrying the mom & now the family need's some help with this, if ANYONE out there will help answer what to do/say? If U R a medical professional/homemaker/grandmother...WHO: help me find answer's to help them "help" resolve this sad situation. It's not that they don't understand the child's upset, it's just they seem to NOT know how to handle it & ...I don't have any answer's for them.
FYI: this child is very dominate over her mother. She does not LISTEN to her mom w/ most all issues. IF YOU CAN OFFER ADVICE, PLEASE DO SO. I'LL PASS IT ON TO THE FAMILY. APPRECIATED...THANK YOU. FYI: ill child is 18 YRS./bed-ridden/O2dependant/extremely weak but this is her wish.
11 Responses
242606 tn?1243782648
The child's feelings are entirely normal and there is nothing to say that will be reassuring. It would be prudent to include her on the trip. If that is not possible, so be it. But don't hold the expectation that she'll be OK about this. You're expecting an adult-type reaction from a child. It is not going to happen, regardless of what you say.
4122676 tn?1350983776
Please help answer this as best you can. I am sad this hasn't been answered, or just been advice given.  I have asked this question in several other places here, and I thought that I would get A EXPERT's answer before anyone else took time to help.
4122676 tn?1350983776
Dr. Kennedy,

I'm sorry to say this, but you sound to me like they are doing a "great" injustice to the child.
It is not everyday a dying child get's a wish trip, and this will be no "fun" trip that the 111 yr. old has in her mind. I believe she can "picture" this in her mind, and hope that one day in the future she will feel OK about it. There will be NO all day fun in the park if she goes, it will be sitting most of the time watching a terminal child w/medical "numerous" issues because she is not able to be in the park long. She can't go out but for 2-3 yrs. A small room with 4 people filled w/medical equipment, is no place for a "normal" say chld that is lashing out, yelling to go to the park.
Does not the child that's sick have a right to go and be helped? Does not the mother's chld have the right to say "No, "my" child, we will take you and vacation w/you later, this is a trip for a seriously ill one that really can only "visit" it with her eye's."  

You give me the grimm feeling she will NEVER recover from this, Am I right? Will she understand ever? Can she not raltionalize? This is a very complex little girl, far advanced in yrs. of growing up "knowledge" wise, in my opinion. She can rip her mother's heart out w/word's of dismay. The child has always' been unruly w/her mother and is punished constantly, but it never help's. She has NO respect for her mother at all, not her grandmother, ONLY show's respect and listen's to her father.

I am asking you again if YOU feel she is not to recover from saying 'No, this is not a trip that is suitable for you, and I your mother have to go to "help" not have fun at this place.  I will take you anywhere we can afford you'd lke to go, we will have a family vacation, it's up to you where we'll go.  
FYI:This is not intented to be a bribe.  It is told to me this is a "wanted" vacation, and if it comes after the mom help's her niece, it just does.
It's impossilbe to please everyone, but to me looking on the outside, this is the only chance this ill child will get to see the park for Christmas, it's her dream, the cousin 11 yr. old...doesn't care about the time of year and it's beauty. She will get to have her on trip. I suppose I thought she would be upset yes, but somehow/sometime understand this is what mom has to do and I just can't go this time on  this trip...it may be difficult, but don't you think she will soon understand why it has to be this way?
PS: it 11 yr. old listened to her mother, and was NOT loud and always' sarcastic to the child/dying child and could be calm and NOT yelling all the time "let's to this, let's do that" then her mother say's she could take her and there "would' be peace for the resting child and not left to feel guilty she is the reason the "normal" child can't go out and enjoy the park w/mom...mom is working...she can't and there is NO room for her...hotel states this, 4 to a room...and a hospital bed is going in the room.
Please re-think or tell me it's not going to permantly damage this  child to not take this trip for the sick one? thank you for you imput.
Avatar universal
My son had a Make- a- Wish trip to Disneyland, and I took his 2 sisters. He too was so sick that he could only spend a few hours a day out AT Disneyland. I brought MY sister, and my nephew, and the Make-a Wish people agreed to it. Even though it was really hard on my son, and me, I don't think having my nephew going made it any harder. My son was 6 and spent very little time out, he was so sick. About 2 years later, one of his Oncology Doctors, bought a trip for me and my son to go again to disneyland and stay at the Disneyland Hotel. I assumed, (wrongly), that I couldn't bring anyone else,(The rooms were enormous, and the Disneyland Hotel had plenty of extra beds for other family members.  Later my other children told me, and this was years later, after he died, that they were upset that they weren't allowed to come. If I had to do it over again, I WOULD have brought everyone, and he would have had a better time...he was ready to die by then. I can't remember WHY I didn't think I could include my other family members, maybe because it was a "gift" I have no idea if this helps you, but good luck on your trip, and I hope you have a good time, and no ilnesses on the trip.
Avatar universal
After rereading your posts, I got a different feeling than what I posted. I have NO idea if I would be dealing with a seemingly "bratty", or at the least manilutive relative! This was NOT what I had to deal with! It should be up to the sick child, and she is old enough to tell you truthfully what she wants. I would stick to that....and not even mention the conversation with the demanding childs dad, etc. It IS the sick childs wish, and just because MY son would have loved to have everyone around, no matter HOW sick he ever was, that was just HIS nature. I truly would ask the sick girl in confidence and go from there. I don't believe the demanding child will NEVER get over it! My daughters got over it, and just expressed there wish that they didn'y know WHY they couldn't go. My answer was enough for them, and they have NEVER held it against anybody! I think I was projecting MY experience and comparing it to YOURS, and the 2 are very different! Sorry.
4122676 tn?1350983776
Thank You for sharing w/me
I hear you and I am glad the first trip everyone had a good time, and I am deeply sorry about your chld's death.

I have tried to with the person who's going relay all the info. in these post's, because it's just not because it's this, just one thing.
It is a multitude of things relating to taking this 11 yr. old. She is in school, that week of the planned trip, I did forget to ever mention this in AnY posts. The trip is for 8 days, so she'd miss much school.
It's also, we have just one "small" room, it's all we could get at the place we wanted, one resort in the resort. Its' at X-Max time, and it's mostly booked up now at some hotel's that are very "close" to the park.
Those 2 reason's there R imp. Then, the issue of this 11 yr. old is sarcastic to the sick child, and will not listen to her mother or anyone when it comes ot rules, in the home where they all live...breathing isn't easy 4 the sick child, so it's asked, "please don't antagonize the ill child anymore" she is getting restless, this is not obeyed by the 11 yr. od. She does her best "at times" to irritate this sick one...and it is not healthy of anyone's part. It causes uproar, argument's, and Yes, I do agree the 11 yr. old is jealous of her attention, but it's not all loving attention, it's that this child is bed-ridden, she NEED's people to help her w/everything to pottying-meals-handing her a movie for her DVD player-to a glass of water.  she is totally dependant on her help and family.
So, the fact of staying in a small room that legally w/are told by the hotel can hold only 4 people/and 1 hospital bed, is reason right there for her to not go, but if the other reason's I've mentioned were not imp. and the 11 yrs. old would be a helper and not a complainer; and demand to her mother "let's go out to play in the park" when it's clear when at the park, her mother is needed to stay and help with the child ( the mom is the stronger of all the adults, her presence is needed greatly) then I think it would've been given more thought to bring her along. This is the sick child's wish, and YeS, this child has stated she think's it would be too hard to rest, etc with her cousin "{11 yr. old" with them.  She feel's bad about it, that's how she is, compassionate and luving. But they could never ride together on any ride, due to her huge O2 tank, that a adult would have to carry on wtih her...and then after 2 rides, her energy will most likely be gone and back to the hotel to sleep, and with "mall" trip's before, we've seen the action of the 11 yr.old, ugly and not-understanding and just caring at all this sick child need's to lay down.So..it's the circimstances that determine the trip/who goes, etc. I hope and pray one day  this child does understand she wasn't allowed to go was for the right reasons, and she will not ever hold it against anyone. we never can know what is right/wrong. we have to do what at the time is the right thing to do given the circumstances.  I'll say because I am thinking it, if more adults were going, and we had a larger ROOM or another room and could afford it...then I think if school were not a problem, the 11 yr.old should go. But this is not the case...and can't be changed now...
Stay at home little girl will have her on vacation soon, occurding to her father...and that is good. it doesn't replace this trip, but it show's they care and are thinking of her and willing to make her a wish come true and thank goodness it's not for the same reason's of the "dying"child....
I appreciate your time...thank  you so much for sharing w/me and the  family...I'll relay all this to the mom....ty...I'm glad your children later on in life didn't hold a grudge but did speak their feelings, and wonderful a doctor to give you and your child a VACATION! how wonderful is he!
PS: DID U go to Disneyland or Disneyworld, each are unique, but one is so HUGE...it's the latter we're going to as we live on the EAST coast...ty
Avatar universal
Before I forget, my son picked Disneyland, and we live in the Bay Area, so it was more convienent! We had a limosene, and I feel like our first trip, the Make-a Wish trip, was around Christmas too, but David, my son, barely got to get out, and he was in a wheelchair. I feel like this Other relative is TOO young to be making any demands! This little girl is DYING! Why aren't all the adults on the same page. I was a single parent, and I made all the decisions for my son...and NOBODY could have made me do anything that wasn't the most wonderful thing for my son! It is SO hard on the mother, but she could just put her foot down! It seems so simple, and I think it SHOULD be! A little girl is sick, and whatever you have to do to make it easier for HER and the MOTHER, is what should be most important. I remember, we would JUST get to Disneyland, and I would look at my soon, and after about 15 MINUTES, he needed to go back to the hotel, or get an injection, and that was THAT! I brought my sister so she could stay with my daughters at the park, while I returned back to the hotel room. And that is how the vacation went! On the 2nd one, I was UNAWARE of the size of the accommadations, or I would have brought my kids. He was on SO much medication, and it was at the end, I can barely stand to look at the pictures, because he was just SO SICK! The fact that you are dealing with an oxygen tank plays another role! It is nice to be able to go to the front of the line, due to his wheelchair, and his illness, but the amount of actual time spent was very short! We DID spend most of our time, (Me and Him) in the hotel, BOTH times! I am having a hard time even dealing with the fact this other child deserves a vacation BECAUSE she can't go to a Make-a-Wish trip! It is a special thing, and given BECAUSE of her illness! I personally don't feel she should get a make-up vacation!(I mean the other child.) that is just ME! And they do understand later, and if they DON'T, they have a personality problem! I am serious, giving in to her isn't helpful, and  I don't feel it is justified! She SHOULD be old enough to understand, and if NOT, well, I would just put my foot down, and I wouldn't EVER be upset! I feel this girls's FATHER isn't helping the situation at ALL!
4122676 tn?1350983776
Thank you again.
I must tell you this is NOT a Make-A-Wish trip...not this  time...

It's not just O2, it's open wound in stomach, IV chest Broviace,HUGE  O2 tanks, and at DISNEWOLD, it's not "stand in line at the disipilityline" it's

use your fast pass like EVERYONE else" so...with 2 E tanks of O2 lasting only 2-3 hrs. since we leave hotel door, it's get to park, put in F.Pass, return when ready to take ride...it's not  like at CA. PARK...I feel it should be for those SO ILL that they only have a few hrs. if that...and have hard time breathing.... and have a massive amount of weight to carry around w/O2..and supplies,...this family "MAKES" her sterile medicine to go into her IV port every other day...so that's to do too at park.
hard yes, worth it, yes...Can we all do it ? I hope...having less is better this time....less to worry about, more time for dying child...She can still breathe and told she might not be able but to ride just one or two ridee if that a day...she replied " i luv Disney so much, and I hate laying in my bed for so long, for 10 yrs...I'd rather be there than here....nothing more to say....ty
Avatar universal
Sorry I misunderstood about the Make-a Wish! My son had a broviac too, and the flushing, the equipment, well, I had 2 surgeries while he was on treatment, the entire 5 years, and they wanted me to not do so much...but if it is your child, well, I have NEVER loved anyone liked I loved my son..EVER.(it is something a mother never wants to admit, I know) I don't think my son got to go on more than a ride or 2. His sister, who was 1 1/2 yrs. older than him, was inseperable, and she DID miss a lot of school, because we were at UCSF for almost 5 years. I counted the days once and he averaged over 280 days per year admitted. My oldest daughter, never wanted to go to the hospital, and she started using drugs and drinking right after he died. (I didn't know, she always got excellent grades) She is a heroin addict still, and I am raising her son since he was 1 1/2. She DID tell me, after he died, (at 10 years), that I was the best mother to him, and yet she never wanted to even see him sick,or be around him. I haven't seen her for 7 years, and she never raised her own son, and doesn't even call, well, she is a mess, but I believe she would have been regardless. I will say this, no matter HOW HARD it is to take care of your child, NOTHING prepares you for their dying,nothing.
4122676 tn?1350983776
Word's, well there are so little. I commend you for being the best mom and "caregiver' to your little boy. It takes a special person that's capable to handlethe stress of taking on the serious, tedious,but constant need's of a sick child.  U loose yourself in them, yet it is built into you to do so. you are the mother, and you luv unconditionally. I admire you, U did all U could...GOD did the rest.
I don't know how to say how I would feel it I never heard from my daughter. It must be so tough. I hope one day things will change and you will. U are there for her son. what a wonderful, strong person you are. You may be like me, you may complain under your breath, and that's ok, you may say "this is taking my life away" "I' need to live life some myself"...but you then realize u must do this, and I promise you if you couldn't, you wouldn't be caring for anyone or "luving" anyone now...U have a heart of gold. not all of us do...we all need a purpose...I've found mine...it's helping other's in whatever battle they are fighting...I just try to help.

I think  your oldest daughter as you must know, just couldn't handle what was happening.  U must not feel guilty about this. If she had gotten counseling...would it have helped? maybe, maybe not...7 yrs. may seem long...but time flies by...I pray U see her again, and both of you can start over...how can a child stand by and watch "living" the struggles and demand's of her mother and/or father...with such a sick child. They R scared I would think. There are so many things that could've affected her and so you say did.
U R so right, i have not lost a child, but I can't imagine loosing one. there is nothing wrong with loving your child more than anyone else, he was made in you...born from you...U and he R a miracle...God has him wrapped in his arms as you did when he was in your's....I'd like to be friends' here with you...I am somewhat new to this forum and other's, but if it allow's us to be friends here. please let me know...peace to you and don't ever forget without you someone will be alone...do what you can/when you can/with what you know. :-)
Avatar universal
Thanks so much for the wonderful message. After getting my grandson to bed, (he was named after his uncle, my son, David), I couldn't sleep, and so here I am! Well, it is getting to be that time of year that is SO hard for me. On October 28th, it's my birthday....but it is also the day they told us he was dying and would only live at most another 6 weeks. He didn't live that long, but that was because his birthday was November 8th, (also a hard day), and he wanted a birthday party, which the doctors and we knew would no doubt expose him to something and he had NO immune system. He didn't care, and we had the party, and I have never been able to look at the videos people took of it. He was SO frail, and wearing a morphine pack, and with oxygen in his nose, well, he never cared about those things, he was SO HAPPY all the time! And then he died on December 10th, and all his Christmas presents were just sitting there, and I didn't open some of them up until a couple of years ago, to see if my grandson would want them.

    About my oldest daughter, she leaves horrifying messages, and even tho  ugh it MAY be the heroin speakig...I don't think she has any intention of straightening up. She had ANOTHER little boy, who is 6, and he was born ON heroin and with heart defects, and she lost all parental rights, (and that is HARD to do!), for gross Felony Child Abuse and Neglect. I have never seen him, but have spoken to his social worker, when I tried to find him. She said he is like a little animal, and has obviously never been held, or paid attention to, and was panhandling in L.A. with his heroin addicted dad when they picked him up! He was  growling and barking....well, I will never probably see this boy, he has been put up for adoption, and it will be up to the adoptive parents, (if he is adopted, he is in foster care now), whether they will let him know about me. they are afraid that I might tell my daughter where he is, and I NEVER would, but they don't know me....so they have a right to be concerned.

    I was lying in bed and missing my little boy, but I am left with the most wonderfu memories, although for a LONG time my heart actually ACHED, and I mean literally! I had been within arms reach of him for 5 years straight, not to mention the first 5 years of his life, before he got sick! And he was th happiest, healthiest, most wnderful boy EVER! And I think that is what is the hardest. We thought the same things were funny, and he was so much like me, and he just LOVED me and thought I could do ANYTHING! And then he was gone! And it is indescribable... the pain.

   Right now I am going to try to go back  to bed, I have to get David ready for school in the morning....and life DOES go on! I am really fortunate that my grandson has turned out to be such a wonderful boy...he had a terrible start. You would never know it! He is so handsome, and smart, and kind. IF I didn't have him to take care of, I would have probably just wanted to stay in bed....and suffer!

   I got legal guardianship when I saw what was going on with his parents, (my daughter and her boyfriend) It isn't easy going to court AGAINST your daughter, but she only showed up at the initial hearing...and that was IT! I guess it is better he has NO recollection of her at all, and it was only last year that he saw a picture of her. He looks alot like her..she is beautiful,(she's 32) and my younger daughter, who looks nothing like me, or David, is SO beautiful! She is his aunt, but she is 27, and living her life, and I don't see her as much as when he was little.

   So you have a daughter, do you have OTHER children? Tell me a little about yourself..are you married? It's okay if you would rather not answer any questions. I'll go now!    Teresa

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