I am not sure this is good direction

[jm48]

I am reading some of your comments and suggestions regarding pre-teens and young teens. Comments suggesting that "grabbing" is unacceptable. I do not agree in the least. I have 2 boys that get out-of-control at times. They are agressive, throw tantrums, get in the face (agressive staring and posturing) towards their mother and myself. Talking and therapy have proven unsuccessful. There are times when the ONLY mechanism that works is to grab these young men and put them in place. This is what takes place in the entire animal kingdom. If talking would work, and we have tried, we would do that. We always attempt that first, by the way. However, I do not think for one minute that some physical discipline is a bad thing. I do not think you are doing your YOUNG kids a favor by not disciplining them physically when required. I just want to note that I have 3 older daughters and never needed to touch them. They responded to verbal requests.  


This discussion is related to Stepfather and twelve-year-old stepson hate each other..

[nursegirl6572]

Do you not acknowledge that there is more than one way to discipline a teen/pre-teen?  I'm sure you will say yes.  If so, then that was obviously adgal's point.  There are MANY different parenting approaches, what may work for you, may not work for me, or I may choose a different method.

I couldn't agree more.  I myself have never been a big spanker.  I can count on onw hand how many times I've spanked both my kids, however, I DO understand that some people believe in that as a form of discipline, and that's fine.  Who am I to say what others should do?  I also can say I was occasionally spanked as a child, and didn't suffer any negative effects as a result.

[brenshri]

i don't think the way to handle preteens and teens is to tell parents to do "whatever works for you." There have to be boundaries for parents as well as for kids... parents don't have carte blanche... children belong to the world as well as to their parents...

[RockRose]

jm,  in cases where it's an intact,  functional family,  and the father loves his son more than his own life,  and is a healthy functioning adult,  I COMPLETELY agree.  Taking a son by the scruff of his neck and establishing dominance is a good thing,  when the son is cocky and completely out of control.  That's why sons with involved,  loving and strong fathers prosper and sons without fathers struggle.   Sometimes this is done through play wrestling,  where the father establishes gentle but obvious dominance over the son,  and in discipline where it's clear that the father has physical dominance over the son by grabbing him by the shoulders and demands respect.

This doesn't involve beating,  or excessive humiliation,  but loving dominance.  

I AM GREATLY concerned,  though,  that your discussion is related to a stepfather discussion.  I don't have this same great feeling about stepfathers.  My post is for loving,  caring biological fathers only.  

[adgal]

We all have differing opinions on parenting which is why a forum like this is so helpful for so many of us.  I personally subscribe more to the "hands off" method of discipline much for the reasons Margy describes. It's just not the right approach for us.  However, if there is one thing being a mom has taught me, it's that I do not judge other parents.  You need to do what works for you, and I need to do what works for me.  

[margypops]

Children learn from us ..so if you behave aggressively to them ie any hitting, they will do it back to others , after all they have learned it from you, in my opinion , removing privileges works better , when they are aggressive or rude in behavior take away something they enjoy. That way their behavior has a consequence   Good Luck