I believe my daughter is fine but...

[bji2001]

Thank you for the forum- I need to give a bit of background on my situation, as it is unusual- I have a son, 9 and a daughter, 5. Almost 2 years ago, my ex shocked everyone by announcing that he was gay, and was in love with someone else.  No one, including myself, saw this coming-our marriage had always been considered one of the enviable and stable marriages by everyone we knew-myself included.  He moved in with the other man, we divorced and the children are in my custody with regular visitation - every other weekend, one night a week with Dad.  My family and friends argued that the children should not spend this much time with him since he was living with another man, but I believe that this was prejudice on their part, and the children have great love of their father, which I foster.  My ex and I have been dilligent about not saying negative things about each other to the children (I know I have, anyway)The problem is this- my ex and I have some differences is parenting beliefs (since he left, not before, so I believe they are coming from his partner) Our five year old is very strong willed, and at this point is testing everyone- my ex insists she needs counseling, but recentlyhe informed me that he and his boyfriend both told her that they "didnt like her" to her face, and my son (9year old) told me that my ex's boyfriend is considering moving back to the state he is from I believe my daughter is being blamed for this and was told that.  Should I try to limit her visitation until this is all worked out? I believe it is hurting her self esteem.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It certainly sounds like some of the tension in the home of the children's father is problematic, and particularly so if it is emanating from the partner's relationship with the children. Whether you daughter could benefit from some therapy is almost beside the point, if she is being exposed to a constant source of stress in her father's household. It sounds like, in general, you are handling things well, to the extent that you can. Do have a talk with your former husband, with the focus on your worry about your daughter and what she might be experiencing. It cold be that the children's father and his partner do not see eye to eye about the presence of the children.

[bji2001]

Thank you both for your comments! As all parents know, it is good to sometimes get reinforcement that you are doing the right thing.  Tabbi- the stipulation is a great idea on no negativity.  After the massive amounts of reading I have done on children post divorce, I know that that is one of the most detrimental things that can happen.  I really believe my ex is not saying negative things, but his partner may be.  I tried to be positive towards him, but it is not possible.  Their breakup would actually be the best thing for the children.

Thank you again for your help!

[tabbicat]

I know that in the state I live in before my ex-husband and I divorced, we had to complete a parenting plan.  Stated in this plan is the restraint of negative comments about the other parent by anyone in the childs presence.  Before stopping the visitation though I would speak with a lawyer to see what steps needed to be taken to keep the child from the negative comments.