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Avatar universal

I can't stand to be around my boyfriends son.

I have been dating this guy for a year now and we have been living together for 6 months. Since day one I have been around my boyfriends son (who is 4). My boyfriend has his son 50% of the time. So he gets him Wed. Thurs. Fri. and every other weekend. The other 50% of the time he is with his mother. When Wed. roles around I automatically stiffin up and dread the following days ahead. This boy is very sweet at times but here latley he doesn't want me to come along anywhere with him and his Daddy. When they get ready to leave he asks if I'm coming to. When he is told no he yells "Yay!" right in front of me. He can be so mean. And now when he comes around I dont want to be around. I try to work extra hours at work or watch tv in the other room if he is at the house. I hate being around him because of the way he acts toward me. I try to be nice to him in return but it becomes a challenging task at times. I've tried talking to my boyfriend about his actions and he will talk to his son about the issue but the very next day his son is acting out toward me again. I hate that when my boyfriend is excited that his son is coming Wed morning I can't be excited with him. I try to act excited but instead in my head I'm saying OH GOD NO!
Please help me. I feel like such a horrible person because I hate being around my boyfriends son. And to top it all off I can't tell my boyfriend I hate being around his son because he gets all defensive and angry with me.
22 Responses
535822 tn?1443980380
I think it would be best if you let the bf go, this child is only 4 year old and you will have many problems if you dont like being around the child now ..I would expect a good Dad to get angry ,time to look elseware without a child involved ....
973741 tn?1342346373
This is the most important advice I can give you and I mean it with my whole heart.  It is for the benefit of you, your boyfriend and his son-------------  You must end this relationship as soon as possible.  

When we get romantically involved with another person that has kids---------- we must realize that the parent/child relationship supercedes ours. That is the primary relationship and is sacred.  We only have one chance to be a parent and . . .obviously MANY chances to be a boyfriend/girlfriend.  

When the significant other of our parent doesn't like us--------- it can do emotional harm and is so unfair to a child.  It is not their fault who they are.  If they are not perfect in regards to behavior (and show me one that is)---------  maybe it is a product of the instability of two homes, different styles of parenting in each, etc.  His father and mother---------- those two together------- should discuss how to best help him be all he can be.  

I'm a mother and if I thought for one second someone was judging my child and possibly not liking them--------- I'd throw them out on their ear.  My kids are that important to me.  And they should be so to every parent.  

So, I think you'll be happier with someone else that does not have the additional responsibility of a child in their life.  Good luck and do the right thing here.  
13167 tn?1327197724
newwave,  I completely agree with the others.  The thing is,  you're not describing any behaviors at all about this child that are obnoxious,  except he doesn't want to compete with you for his father.  Otherwise I'm guessing he's a well behaved pleasant little boy with normal behavior.

Kids are so sensitive.  He knows you don't like him.  

If you stay with this boyfriend,  likely you'll have a baby and you'll love the baby but not your stepson,  and it will compound things.  

There are guys who don't have kids - it seems best to find one of those and let this man go to focus on his son that he loves very much.
377493 tn?1356505749
I also have to back up what the others are saying.  If something happened and my husband and I broke up, just the thought of my son having someone in his life that didn't like him would be more then I could handle.  

If you are not prepared to end the relationship, you need to take a step back and allow this 4 year old to have his time alone with daddy.  That is such an important relationship, and I suspect that is a big part of why this child is acting this way. He is just a little boy.  He's not mean, he is just in a tough situation...it's not easy for a small child to be shuttled back and forth like that and I am sure he sees you as an interloper.  At the end of the day there is nothing more important to a parent then his/her child (at least for most of us). I too wouuld find someone else.
184674 tn?1360864093
I agree with the others too. The best thing you can do is end the relationship with your boyfriend to benefit everyone involved in this situation.
A four year old boy is not "mean." A child that young has no clue how to express their emotions in a sugar coated way, they just say what they think and they don't think about how it'll hurt other's feelings--they're still in the process of learning to be socially polite.
To top it off, a four year old child spending 50/50 with each parent between two homes is NOT a stable situation for a child. I don't care how civil the parents can be with each other; tossing a kid back and forth between them, between homes, is never ideal for a child. A child that young doesn't understand the lack of security he feels because of it either. All he's going to know is that between each home, the only security he feels is with each parent--and clearly he feels you jeopardize that between him and his dad. It's nothing personal against you, I assure you. I can imagine with him being four years old that his parents divorced sometime within the last 2-3 years or less, possibly after he's formed memories of having them together. And you say you've been with your boyfriend for a year, so I'm assuming within a year and a half to two years, he moved on to you after his divorce. And then six months after knowing you, you two live together.
Imagine how a four year old boy can process this in a mature way.
He can't.
Moving on from this relationship to one that does not involve children would be a very wise decision.
Avatar universal
I would have to also agree, although before becoming a mother I would most likely have sided with you but now that im a mother I would have to say that maybe your a little resentful of the fact that your not no 1 with your bf.. any child in the situation will ultimately stand before you. But i do sense that you have tried to get along with the child, but being a single parent i do have to say that the little boy obviously has seperation issues from his dad and must miss him terribly when hes not with him and therefore has obviously as a child does made it clear that when hes wit his dad that he wants him to himself. But i really dont think its fair of your bf to just shut you out at the same time or take his anger out on you! he should as a parent also be able to logically work out some way of getting his son to know you better and vice versa so there is a good relationship between you if he loves you both, I hope it all works out for you xxx
Avatar universal
I am having the same problem as you except my boyfriend actually takes up for me when his two sons disrespect me. I still have resent from them but it might be where I'm still young and do not have any children of my own. I have asked for advice and all I hear is "your free your young your beautiful that's not your respinsibility and that's not your mistake move on" but I love this man so much and I want that connection with his kids....I just don't know if that connection will ever form...I need help
Avatar universal
I've been going out with a man who I'm head over heels with and I can't stand his daughter , this is wrong I know but emotions are a very powerful thing and no one should judge till they have experienced this . Jealousy over another women's child is terrible , and if any one could help control them , then you would be a millionaire
Avatar universal
I've been going out with a man who I'm head over heels with and I can't stand his daughter , this is wrong I know but emotions are a very powerful thing and no one should judge till they have experienced this . Jealousy over another women's child is terrible , and if any one could help control them , then you would be a millionaire
973741 tn?1342346373
I think that it isn't about judging, it's about seeing a situation without biased or emotion and knowing that we've ALL been in love. That's not new.   But if there is a child involved, that comes before us.  And being a person who can walk away for the sake of someone's relationship with their child is a good thing.  If you choose not to, then you should pretend to your grave that you adore this child because I would NEVER allow someone into my life that didn't care for my kids.  They are part of me and so much more important than a new honey.  That is what parenting is about.  For 18 years, kids should come first.  good luck.  It must be hard to hate something that is actually a part of the person you are feeling strong emotions for.  good luck
13167 tn?1327197724
I agree SM.

Jealousy over another woman's child is terrible?  I should say so.  The story of Solomon and the two babies - one dead and one living - where the mother of the dead baby wanted the living baby cut in two - always gives me chills.  

Some women have terrible jealousy over other mother's children,  some don't.  I suggest you find a man who doesn't have children if the very existence of his little girl makes you so mad.
1 Comments
That's not obviously not this woman's issue. To me it seems like she wants to have a good relationship with this mans son,  but son is having issues over his dad having a new woman in the house that's not his mommy. The son is jealous having to spend his time that he gets with his dad with another person..
Avatar universal
I think feeling jealousy toward a partner's child is a very natural response - anyone who denies it is, well, in denial. People come up with creative ways of dealing with it in step-families that work...and the alternative is, they don't work. Your bf could do something "in-the-moment" when his son disrespects you (not great parenting to allow him to talk that way to anyone without interfering somehow)...and you could seek counseling because this is ALWAYS a difficult situation.
973741 tn?1342346373
I think if someone feels jealousy for a child should probably not be with someone who has a child.  There are plenty of fish in the sea.  find a guy without kids.  good luck
Avatar universal
I completely understand the writer! It is never ever right nor fair to put a child first in a marriage or any serious relationship.  The child should always come second, or else a relationship between two adults will never be enjoyable.  These days, people love to coddle their children and give them everything they want, but that is not right and it will turn the kid into a huge brat.  To most of the people who made comments: Stop doing everything your kid wants and think about yourself and your happiness for once.  And to the writer: tell him what you think he is doing wrong! If you want to be a part of his life and he wants you to be there, then your opinions matter too!  And he should care about how you feel and listen to your thoughts.  Tell him his kid is brat... if his kid acts like that towards you in front of him, then your boyfriend may be the problem... He shouldn't let his kid do that to you. But, you should try talking to him about it and he might realize that you actually care and listen to you.  

Overall, kids should never come first!! It will ruin any relationship.
4 Comments
I agree Jessm37...a mother and her cubs are a different set of life that I have only been a helper in, not a mother in.  When my significant other's kids disrespect me, I reveal to him in private what i perceived happening to please help them learn to be kind and respectful to me and others or else they will go to school and say and do what the do at home, to the teacher.  His kid ( 8 year old girl) said the other day at dinner " I'm gonna thief this" about an item on the restaurant's table and her sister had said, Ms Kim doesn't like that word.  Her Dad "stop that." Yet she still likes to say she is going to thief things.  Plus she clearly wants 100% attention from her Dad when she wakes and sleeps.  This is understandable as she comes to our house once month and all holidays.  The other day her Dad started to hold my hand in the pool, and she pushes him away and jumps on his back and stays there when he asks her to please not hang on him.  He gives affection all the time, yet something they are working on.  Me, i find a lot more time to do my own things which is nice while they hang out most of the time when she and her Sister stay.  My main method is to ask him in private to give her love yet to also not her to push me physically or a bratty way to get his attention.   She is 8...Sigh...As these behaviors happen my partner listens to me and supports me making us all equal in the family which helps...I agree the kids'  safely and security should come first, yet the healthy adult partnership supersedes the child's most of the time bratty, disrespectful, bully like behavior.  It's tough 1/2 the time to be a step-parent role, seems unfair to have to give so much for so little as the child can't give anything, they are needy as a child is...yet it takes a village and i stand to be patient and love as much as possible.  His appreciation goes a long way. xxoxooxo
ps. i don't discipline them because i would not be very good at it.
For one, children come second? What kind of a selfish ME person are you? Don't have children of your not prepared to be there for them 100% of the time. You and your partner will get your own private time back when they grow up. How disgusting of you to say such a thing Jess. POS you are. Children come second. Your what's wrong with this world. Burn in hell
Kids come first yes but they need to learn respect for adults and kids are too coddled these days. There are no boundaries or consequences. I love kids but my boyfriend's son is a total brat. I am kind to him and yet he has no respect and is never told no. Its a disgrace.
Kids need to be taught respect period. Relationships are important too. Parents need to talk to their kids about respecting other adults. Today too many kids are spoiled and have no boundaries.
Avatar universal
I have been scouring the internet for hours now to find help. I have been with my boyfriend for 13 years. He has a 15 year old son. His son goes back and forth spending 1 week with his mother and 1 week with his father. When he first started school, I seemed to have been the only one making sure he did his homework, just like my own 3 kids. He had good grades and passed all his classes. That stopped when he reached high school. At that time, his dad didn't feel it was necessary to keep an eye on him. That's when I noticed he wasn't doing his homework and was putting minimal effort in school. Not my problem? Well when my own kids see that he's getting away with it, my kids start to wonder how come they can't. It sort of is a double standard for me and makes me feel like a hypocrite. He has no motivation and is glued to his video games all the time when he's at his mom's house. At our house, I've pretty much cut him off those privileges, as those are rewards he has not earned. Every time I tell him to do something around the house, he throws fits and slams things and starts stomping around the house. This has been going on pretty much the whole duration of our relationship. Nothing but complete disrespect towards me. His dad doesn't say anything to him about it, maybe that's why he keeps doing it, because he can get away with it. If that was my kid, he'd get a smack at the back of the head. I'm at the point where I'm pretty much fed up and am at the point where I just refuse to talk to him and just ignore him. It's not healthy...for everyone in the house, and I don't know what to do anymore. Marriage, I think, is not a priority for his dad and I anymore. We have discussed it a couple of times, and at one point he told me that we can't get married until I change my ways with his son. I think I should have walked away at that point. It's a subject I've pretty much dropped and no longer care to discuss. Here I am now, wondering should I just move on with my life without them? I'm in my mid 40's and I have 3 college aged children. Definitely not looking to starting a new relationship, but if it happens, it happens. I am nothing but annoyed and pissed off every time he's here with us, and it's not fair to everyone. I'm tired of it. I've held on for as long as I can, and I am having the hardest time to keep holding on. It feels like it would be so much easier to let go. But damn, 16 years....and all for nothing =(
3 Comments
Quite honestly I would try to have a civil conversation with the kids mother. Ask her out for coffee.. maybe she will do something to help, if her son takes any sort of priority. Don't come off as annoyed with him but concerned with his acting out. Maybe he's going through something he cannot express otherwise. You might be able to talk with him one on one as well if you try a different approach. You could happen to be the one person in this world he will end up respecting for straightening him out, but he might need compassion as apposed to  authoritarianism (which I'm not accusing you of, but I'm not there so idk.) Good luck!!
I feel tour oain, LostLissa.  I spent over 10 years trying my hardest to make a relationship work with a man who had three kids with his ex-wife. This was not ever a matter of jealousy over another woman's children, I infect never wanted kids of my own. However I left this man we loved each other and I tried everything to make this work. I told all three kids from the beginning, in a very nice way that they would understand, that I would never ever look to be their mom, and that with any luck we could be very good friends and they could always come to me with anything. All three did that over the years, they confided in me numerous times about things that they couldn't talk to either of their parents about and I did the best I could with giving them advice, Etc. In the end, the problems that existed at the beginning with regard to the way that they treated me and the fact that their father let them get away with it because he was so torn with guilt over the divorce, those problems never went away and effect grew to bigger problems as the kids got older. I wasted 10 years of my life trying to make this work and although all three kids got to college a inch, the feelings of resentment between myself and the three kids and my boyfriend, their father, we're feelings that would just never go away. The resentment could be covered up, could be made to feel not as big sometimes, but those feelings never went away and there was resentment on all sides. My resentment came from trying so hard with these three kids who were just spoiled by both parents to take you over the divorce, and mainly my resentment towards my boyfriend for never once trying to see my side or have my back but instead of mediately making me the outsider and taking his kids side. I feel for you, and if you can stick it out, I don't even know how to tell you to get over the resentment because I don't know that it's possible. I wish you all the luck in the world and give you a great kudos for spending so much of your life trying to make this work.
And btw, several answers start with "jealousy over another woman's child", and i can only speak for myself but get over yourselves! There was never a jealousy, I never wanted children, but I tried desperately to make this work because I loved the man I was with and tried to love his children as his children, not my own. Funny though, that their mother during those ten plus years tried using that same line, that I must be jealous of her because they were her kids, meanwhile I never ever wanted kids so jealousy was quite the opposite of what I was feeling.
Avatar universal
Several typos in that, but i hope you get the gist, please reach out if i can offer any insight.  Good luck Lisa
Avatar universal
I don't agree with everyone who says the relationship must end, but I do think several things have to change. The most important being what Christa got at: your boyfriend has to start taking a stand for you.

Of course the relationship btw'n father and son is paramount and sacred, and the reality is, you will never fully be a part of it, unless you are exceedingly lucky.

But you are important, too, and the child has to show basic respect toward you. In my experience, that can only come via the father letting the son know you are someone he cares for and respects, and that he wants his son to respect.

You can't automatically get a kid to like you, though it's a lot easier at 4 than at 8, which is what I'm dealing with. A 4-year old is usually open to play--any kind of play. Legos, coloring, toy cars, Play-Doh. I didn't hear you say you are doing any of these things with him, so I'd recommend that as a starting point. You've got to relate to the kid on his level, and a 4-year old is only capable of so much. If you deal with him on his terms, he'll be much more open to building something with you.

I'm in the unfortunate situation of my bf having a jealous ex-spouse, who has been continually poisoning the well and saying crappy things about me to her son, and now I have to deal with an 8-year old who isn't always thrilled having me around. But I take time to joke around with him, play video games or show him stuff I think he might like. I had a lot more success with him as a 4-year old than at 8. His mother's negative spin on things has colored his perception of me.

What I do now is when he stays for the weekend, I let them have their private time together come Friday and I go out with my friends or hang out in my room and read. On Saturday morning, I do a mix of hanging with them and leaving them alone, then I ask my bf to go out with him for several hours (I haven't had great success with this b/c both of them like staying inside playing videos), and sometimes I go out with both of them (we used to do this more often). On Saturday night, we all play around on videos or occasionally do a movie night. On Sundays, we are all pretty relaxed and it's a free-for-all til 5pm, when he has to leave for his mom's.

It is far from a perfect arrangement and I still have arguments with my bf over it, because I don't think he does a good enough job of "making me part of the story," but I wanted to give another perspective and some strategies for making things run a bit smoother, because it doesn't have to be relationship-ending, per se.

However, if you really aren't feeling much for the kid, you're going to have to either change your attitude or behavior, because you can't change him. He's only 4.

Be the adult in the room and ensure your bf is, too.

Avatar universal
Thank you for this dialogue. I too am struggling with this issue. My BF and I have been dating a little over 18 months, and we moved in together about 6 months ago. I have a 7 year old daughter and he has a 5 year old son. I have my daughter full-time (and she loves my BF), but my BF has his son 50% of the time (and the son has no/little use for me). Our children are very different, though they get along most of the time. It complicates the issue that my BF is a teacher at the middle school my daughter is projected to attend that happens to be across the street from our home. My BF's ex-wife is also moving into the neighborhood with her fiance, and has demonstrated that (while her heart is in the right place) she has very few social boundaries. This has also been stressful. It gives me endless anxiety to consider all the forces at work here, especially since I am still questioning the relationship with my BF. It seems like a lose-lose situation unless something changes.

My BF's son is "full throttle" all the time, and my BF admits that he is hyperactive. He is loud, aggressive, and even head-butted my child in the face the first time they spent significant time together because she "got in his face" (she was asking him what he wanted to eat at a restaurant). It is an issue that bothers me daily, an issue I BEGIN to forget when we are without him (especially because my BF is a positive influence on my daughter), but I am instantly reminded of his loud, aggressive nature the minute we reenter the house together.

I have started to schedule vacations separate for my daughter and I. When the 4 of us do vacation or spend time together, I find myself criticizing his son, feeling exhausted, and feeling less-than-present for my daughter (and for my BF, as well as for myself). I don't think it's fair to any of us, and I have never been in this situation before.

Any additional words of wisdom are sure appreciated, but I too am considering leaving the relationship for these reasons, even though my BF is loveable and wonderful in so many ways.
Avatar universal
My advice would be..find a man without kids. Im in a 6 years already relationship with a man who has a 7 yr old who behaves exactly like her mother who is a terrible person, and I believe that just for being  her daughter she carries in her blood the same malicious and evil behavior.
Im thinking on leaving him since he is blind towards all her evilness and loves her on top of me.
Avatar universal
I am a father of 2 children and my gf is a mother of 2 children.   Also, my sister (not a mom yet) married a man with 2 kids.  Her husband and I have had common approaches to these situations.   As parents,  we do not allow our kids to disrespect anyone we care about (or pretty much anyone for that matter).  We also understand that they are kids and they are not going to completely understand everything we would like then to understand until they old enough to do so.  Sometimes the best we can do is say something along the lines of,  I know this isn't an ideal situation (either having to share a house with someone new or not being able to have in person access to both parents at the same time) but this is the situation we are in and all I want is to give you the best life i can.   It may not seem that way and you may not understand until you are much older,  and I understand at times you're going to angry or upset or uncertain.   that's ok,  that's normal.   we just need to be able to share our feelings without being disrespectful to the people we love with.  

IMHO, if your SO sincerely loves you and cares about you and their children,  then they will not stand for any disrespect either way.  Whethrr its from the child to their SO or ftom their SO to their child.   Not to say none of us ever slip up or make a mistake or let emotions get the best of us at times,  but that's when you step in and give them a chance to calm down.
Avatar universal
I am in a relationship with a 60 year old man and he has a 3 year old son and 2 grown children - I am 53 all three of my children are grown and I have Grand children. I tried to tell him that I was finding it hard to adapt to having  a 3 year old around and he straight away thought I had an issue with him, Why cant he see that I need support with regards to this. We have him every other weekend and it seems as if I interact with him more with regards to play etc he just gives him his phone head phones and lets him watch peppa pig etc . He is being night trained at the moment but he always expects  me to get up and if he's had an accident he wants me to change the bedding etc. I am beginning to feel like more like a nanny than his girlfriend that should be his responsibility not mine he is his son. He wants us to go on holiday. I've done the whole being tied to a kid thing - how do I tell him how I am feeling - should I just leave the relationship. I dread the weekend we have him because we do nothing with that time to be honest and I work all week. If I say Im going to do something on my own he doesn't want that I cant even go to the store as he loves us doing things together. We have him from Thursday to Sunday so I have planned to go get manicure pedicure and my hair cut and xmas shopping so that I feel I have made use of my time - Not just sit in doors because he cant be bothered to go out with his son. He is quite a lazy man and really is too old to be bringing up a son @ 60 but he is here.
6 Comments
Well, it doesn't sound like you've really become family with your boyfriend to me.  Because his child is a bother. Otherwise, you'd probably bond a little with the child and actually try to take on some type of role rather than seeing it as wasted time with him.  If my grandkids (future ones) come to stay with me that frequently so I'm that involved,  I will love it. But they'd feel like family to me and this child clearly doesn't feel that way to you.  He's 3 and will be in his dad's life for a very long time. This won't get better, unfortunately.  He's an older man with a toddler child.  Package deal.

I am not going to beat you up for your feelings.  You are entitled to feel this way for sure.  But it doesn't sound like a match to me.  You're over little kids (feel that way about your grandchild too?) But ya, I guess it is going to be best to leave the relationship.  Sorry.  
specialmom - No you miss understand - I love my Grand children and I love having them - He lets me get involve with his son when it suits him, I am the one that gets down on the floor and plays with him - I'm the one that cooks his dinner etc....He wants his son to be like the old days been seen and not heard . His son fell and hurt himself I picked him up as and he let me comfort him - His dad was hurt by this - I tried to explain that surely it was better he feels safe with me but I guess not.  He doesn't want to do anything with him when we have him where as I want to but it seems to much effort for him he just wants to stay in so I have made myself busy - its almost like I am taking on the full parent roll...responsibility. The last weekend we had him I had my grandson too we took them out and I was playing don't tread on the lines with them having fun like you do  - His dad was not impressed with me and told him to stand by him - I carried on playing with my grandson leaving his son in tears  - Grandchildren is way different than being a mum and I love all of mine and have them often but I guess its my choice.
Oh, okay.  I understand better now.  Well, I hope it doesn't offend you if I say your boyfriend isn't much fun.  LOL  I get it  You have been trying too to treat him like a normal child even when you don't feel like it is appreciated.  I would resent that as I'm sure you do.  And hey, you are entitled to say you've already raised your own children and doing all the grunt work for this boy isn't appealing.  I would understand that too.  

I must say, I'm not impressed by your boyfriend.   Hope you don't mind me saying that.  You sound like a together woman ready for a new chapter in your life.  Where you enjoy the grandkids and watch the children YOU raised raise them and being able to enjoy this time in your life.  He sounds like he got someone pregnant and now is 'dealing' with it rather than embracing fatherhood?  Not sure but it puts you in a position of having to be hands on in raising a child with a crummy partner in it and then worrying about the job the dad is doing.  

How long have you been with him?  I it worth staying with him?  You seem like a woman that works, has had a successful family and wants to enjoy life.  You need a partner to meet you in these goals.  Maybe he is awesome in other ways.  I don't know.  Is he?
Hi - You have not offended me in any way - I've been with him about 8 months  - yes he did get someone pregnant it wasn't planned and he didn't want him he said that she told him that she was on the pill and then once she found out she was pregnant told him also that she is someone who commits to more than one relationship so their relationship ended (his side of story) and his son is here now -

I was a single mum and had three children all now grown and have 2 grandsons and two more on the way one of each so will have a grand daughter also.

He has put me in the  position of being the doing parent hence why I made plans for me time where they cannot come .  No he is not much fun to be honest and I appreciate you message me as I need someone to talk to as family always have emotions involved. You are right I do resent that I am trying to make his son see what life is about teach him play with him be the parent which in turn is making me resent him and its not his fault - I do treat him as if he is my own but I just feel I am doing too much. Should I take a step back?

Yes time is my own now and I want to have fun see the world that I haven't yet seen go away on  ad hoc weekends, nights out but am tied every other week and that is the issue - there seems to be no fun - Its me and him - no we...

To be honest he has a great heart and he does love me - but not sure he is meeting my goal to be honest with you - I need to really think its make or break time - Thanks for talking with me specialmom x
I totally get what you are saying.  I think if you stay with him, you will become more and more bitter about this situation.  I don't think you can step back from the boy if he continues to come into your house. That will eat at you because you will feel guilty and know this poor child is not being nurtured in a proper way!  That kind of makes me irritated with his dad. While he may have been 'tricked' . . . hey, things happen and he had the sex just like his ex and has to step up and be a man when a child arrives.  My opinion any way.  And he takes his child but doesn't sound like he does him justice.  It's a shame for the boy.  AT least he has had you.

But you aren't happy.  That's the bottom line.  You want a partner to enjoy this stage of life and the fruits of your past labor. This is like a step backwards in time to the mommy stage. You want to be the grandma --  playing and doting and then saying bye bye as you hand them over to your adult kids.

I'm sure he is a great guy in some ways or you'd not be with him at all.  But you sound like a person who has much to offer.  I think there is a stage in which it is a bit harder for women to meet men around the 40's.  You are now past that where it becomes a better opportunity to match with someone that you will be able to create the life with that you WANT.  

If you can't leave them though, we can talk about that.  Sometimes we get entwined and it is harder to leave. This has been only 8 months so hopefully you are not yet in that spot. And I do get that it is the fear of the unknown that often can make us afraid to leave a relationship.  Being alone or being with a good guy that has a major draw back.  .  .  but you'd only be alone until you find a better match.  :>)))  a
Thanks - I do think about saying its over - I wanted to say it last night but something stopped me - you are so right about him as a Dad its like he is a token baby - He is a beautiful mixed race Boy - He said to me do you think people see us as his parents - me being me said no his grandparents -

He also keeps saying to him give Daddy a Kiss, Cuddle I love you ? He use to say I love you back but now he says I love Mummy I don't love you - That really hurts him to the stage of being pathetic I said he is three he has not idea what he is saying - He doesn't let the child breath its smothering -

He is a little like that we with needs reassurance all the time that we are ok...so of late I have had to say yes when I  actually mean no not really - I just don't know how to deliver to him verbally what the issue is.

I want for him to understand my feelings without him attacking me (I don't mean physically) or that I have an issue with his son - I want him to understand where I am @ in my life and that he never thinks of things from my side.

He has not idea what is actually causing stress on our relationship he just sees me as argumentative when all I am trying to do is have a discussion with him.
Avatar universal
Your not on your own. I don’t like my brother son. He’s so rude and ignorant. I have a daughter with my bf and every time the son comes his daughter is last in everything. For her 1 birthday he was all for his son and she was left out. I really don’t like the kid.
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Sorry I meant my boyfriend son
How old is his son?  Maybe it would be best to find someone else where there isn't a child you don't like involved?
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