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Avatar universal

I can't stand to be around my boyfriends son.

I have been dating this guy for a year now and we have been living together for 6 months. Since day one I have been around my boyfriends son (who is 4). My boyfriend has his son 50% of the time. So he gets him Wed. Thurs. Fri. and every other weekend. The other 50% of the time he is with his mother. When Wed. roles around I automatically stiffin up and dread the following days ahead. This boy is very sweet at times but here latley he doesn't want me to come along anywhere with him and his Daddy. When they get ready to leave he asks if I'm coming to. When he is told no he yells "Yay!" right in front of me. He can be so mean. And now when he comes around I dont want to be around. I try to work extra hours at work or watch tv in the other room if he is at the house. I hate being around him because of the way he acts toward me. I try to be nice to him in return but it becomes a challenging task at times. I've tried talking to my boyfriend about his actions and he will talk to his son about the issue but the very next day his son is acting out toward me again. I hate that when my boyfriend is excited that his son is coming Wed morning I can't be excited with him. I try to act excited but instead in my head I'm saying OH GOD NO!
Please help me. I feel like such a horrible person because I hate being around my boyfriends son. And to top it all off I can't tell my boyfriend I hate being around his son because he gets all defensive and angry with me.
22 Responses
535822 tn?1443980380
I think it would be best if you let the bf go, this child is only 4 year old and you will have many problems if you dont like being around the child now ..I would expect a good Dad to get angry ,time to look elseware without a child involved ....
973741 tn?1342346373
This is the most important advice I can give you and I mean it with my whole heart.  It is for the benefit of you, your boyfriend and his son-------------  You must end this relationship as soon as possible.  

When we get romantically involved with another person that has kids---------- we must realize that the parent/child relationship supercedes ours. That is the primary relationship and is sacred.  We only have one chance to be a parent and . . .obviously MANY chances to be a boyfriend/girlfriend.  

When the significant other of our parent doesn't like us--------- it can do emotional harm and is so unfair to a child.  It is not their fault who they are.  If they are not perfect in regards to behavior (and show me one that is)---------  maybe it is a product of the instability of two homes, different styles of parenting in each, etc.  His father and mother---------- those two together------- should discuss how to best help him be all he can be.  

I'm a mother and if I thought for one second someone was judging my child and possibly not liking them--------- I'd throw them out on their ear.  My kids are that important to me.  And they should be so to every parent.  

So, I think you'll be happier with someone else that does not have the additional responsibility of a child in their life.  Good luck and do the right thing here.  
13167 tn?1327197724
newwave,  I completely agree with the others.  The thing is,  you're not describing any behaviors at all about this child that are obnoxious,  except he doesn't want to compete with you for his father.  Otherwise I'm guessing he's a well behaved pleasant little boy with normal behavior.

Kids are so sensitive.  He knows you don't like him.  

If you stay with this boyfriend,  likely you'll have a baby and you'll love the baby but not your stepson,  and it will compound things.  

There are guys who don't have kids - it seems best to find one of those and let this man go to focus on his son that he loves very much.
377493 tn?1356505749
I also have to back up what the others are saying.  If something happened and my husband and I broke up, just the thought of my son having someone in his life that didn't like him would be more then I could handle.  

If you are not prepared to end the relationship, you need to take a step back and allow this 4 year old to have his time alone with daddy.  That is such an important relationship, and I suspect that is a big part of why this child is acting this way. He is just a little boy.  He's not mean, he is just in a tough situation...it's not easy for a small child to be shuttled back and forth like that and I am sure he sees you as an interloper.  At the end of the day there is nothing more important to a parent then his/her child (at least for most of us). I too wouuld find someone else.
184674 tn?1360864093
I agree with the others too. The best thing you can do is end the relationship with your boyfriend to benefit everyone involved in this situation.
A four year old boy is not "mean." A child that young has no clue how to express their emotions in a sugar coated way, they just say what they think and they don't think about how it'll hurt other's feelings--they're still in the process of learning to be socially polite.
To top it off, a four year old child spending 50/50 with each parent between two homes is NOT a stable situation for a child. I don't care how civil the parents can be with each other; tossing a kid back and forth between them, between homes, is never ideal for a child. A child that young doesn't understand the lack of security he feels because of it either. All he's going to know is that between each home, the only security he feels is with each parent--and clearly he feels you jeopardize that between him and his dad. It's nothing personal against you, I assure you. I can imagine with him being four years old that his parents divorced sometime within the last 2-3 years or less, possibly after he's formed memories of having them together. And you say you've been with your boyfriend for a year, so I'm assuming within a year and a half to two years, he moved on to you after his divorce. And then six months after knowing you, you two live together.
Imagine how a four year old boy can process this in a mature way.
He can't.
Moving on from this relationship to one that does not involve children would be a very wise decision.
Avatar universal
I would have to also agree, although before becoming a mother I would most likely have sided with you but now that im a mother I would have to say that maybe your a little resentful of the fact that your not no 1 with your bf.. any child in the situation will ultimately stand before you. But i do sense that you have tried to get along with the child, but being a single parent i do have to say that the little boy obviously has seperation issues from his dad and must miss him terribly when hes not with him and therefore has obviously as a child does made it clear that when hes wit his dad that he wants him to himself. But i really dont think its fair of your bf to just shut you out at the same time or take his anger out on you! he should as a parent also be able to logically work out some way of getting his son to know you better and vice versa so there is a good relationship between you if he loves you both, I hope it all works out for you xxx
Avatar universal
I am having the same problem as you except my boyfriend actually takes up for me when his two sons disrespect me. I still have resent from them but it might be where I'm still young and do not have any children of my own. I have asked for advice and all I hear is "your free your young your beautiful that's not your respinsibility and that's not your mistake move on" but I love this man so much and I want that connection with his kids....I just don't know if that connection will ever form...I need help
Avatar universal
I've been going out with a man who I'm head over heels with and I can't stand his daughter , this is wrong I know but emotions are a very powerful thing and no one should judge till they have experienced this . Jealousy over another women's child is terrible , and if any one could help control them , then you would be a millionaire
Avatar universal
I've been going out with a man who I'm head over heels with and I can't stand his daughter , this is wrong I know but emotions are a very powerful thing and no one should judge till they have experienced this . Jealousy over another women's child is terrible , and if any one could help control them , then you would be a millionaire
973741 tn?1342346373
I think that it isn't about judging, it's about seeing a situation without biased or emotion and knowing that we've ALL been in love. That's not new.   But if there is a child involved, that comes before us.  And being a person who can walk away for the sake of someone's relationship with their child is a good thing.  If you choose not to, then you should pretend to your grave that you adore this child because I would NEVER allow someone into my life that didn't care for my kids.  They are part of me and so much more important than a new honey.  That is what parenting is about.  For 18 years, kids should come first.  good luck.  It must be hard to hate something that is actually a part of the person you are feeling strong emotions for.  good luck
13167 tn?1327197724
I agree SM.

Jealousy over another woman's child is terrible?  I should say so.  The story of Solomon and the two babies - one dead and one living - where the mother of the dead baby wanted the living baby cut in two - always gives me chills.  

Some women have terrible jealousy over other mother's children,  some don't.  I suggest you find a man who doesn't have children if the very existence of his little girl makes you so mad.
That's not obviously not this woman's issue. To me it seems like she wants to have a good relationship with this mans son,  but son is having issues over his dad having a new woman in the house that's not his mommy. The son is jealous having to spend his time that he gets with his dad with another person..
Avatar universal
I think feeling jealousy toward a partner's child is a very natural response - anyone who denies it is, well, in denial. People come up with creative ways of dealing with it in step-families that work...and the alternative is, they don't work. Your bf could do something "in-the-moment" when his son disrespects you (not great parenting to allow him to talk that way to anyone without interfering somehow)...and you could seek counseling because this is ALWAYS a difficult situation.
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