I am new to this site, and I am at a loss. I walked into my 13 year old sons room, and my 7, almost 8 year old daughter was lying beside him. He jumped off the side of the bed, and wouldn't stand up, my daughter rolled over and sat up, I noticed her shirt seemed to be up on the one side, and her pants were down a bit in the back. My son looked terribly guilty, and I blew up. I raise them in a Christian environment, and I'm so shocked. I know nothing like this has happened to either of them before. We practice modisty. I'm really freaking out here. Please help. Did i over react? Did I handle it wrong? Please help me. Now i don't even want them to hug each other.
You were shocked and surprised, and your blowing up indicated that. While it's more helpful to react with more equanimity, your reaction was understandable. The thing to do now is to calmly address the matter with both of them. Speak to them separately, and ask them to describe what occurred. What you witnessed was enough to indicate that their behavior was not appropriate. What's not clear apparently is the extent to which any sexual behavior occurred. It's important to figure out how this episode came to pass, without making assumptions about it. It's also important, of course, to be clear with both of the children that any sexual behavior between brother and sister is taboo, and that sexual beavior at their ages is inappropriate under any circumstances. Perhaps this much is obvious to you. Let me know what additional questions you have about it, as well as any other information about the episode you think I should know in order to guide you.
First of all, I do not believe for one moment that this is normal behavior as far as siblings, I do however, understand the desires and emotional strains that young adolescents have. I did speak to them separately, and my daughter said that my son suggested that she pull her pants down, and he touch her back with his penis. I didn't blow up, I calmly told her to sit on the couch until i spoke with my son, he admitted to what she said. I asked him if he was curious as to what that felt like, or was he physically attracted to his sister. He said he was just curious, that he wanted to forget about the whole thing. My concern is for my daughter. Why didn't she say no. I am also concerned about my son. I don't want to make him feel so badly about himself that it damages him. I did calmly explain that the action was totally unacceptable, and will not be tolerated.
Thanks for you response. I really appreciate it!
Your daughter is quite young, and accepting the idea that her brother presented to her is not surprising. This will be a learning experience for her; she'll hopefully know better now that such a suggestion (by her brother or anyone else) is to be rejected. She should also be told to inform you if he should approach her again. You are correct in thinking that this is not to be viewed as normal - it is understandable, but not to be regarded as acceptable. With your son, underline the inappropriateness of his request and that difficult position it put his sister in. Also, introduce him to some literature he might find helpful. Examples are My Body, My Self for Boys; What's Happening to My Body; and Changes in You and Me: A Book about Puberty Mostly for Boys. The interest and curiosity are perfectly normal; the behavior is what is not acceptable. Setting limits around it in a reasonable, thoughtful way does not indict sexual interest or suppress normal sexual curiosity or expression. It is an area of human functioning about which children and teens need to learn.
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