I dont know what to do????

[piepie78]

I have a 3 1/2 year old son whose behavior is out of control. I have tried it all... I am a single mother, but his father is actively involved in his life. He reports that he has similar problems. A typical day in my life.... I wake up to him jumping on the bed throwing things at the dog, hitting her and pulling her tail. He laughs and I struggle to get him to listen or focus enough to come out and have breakfast. He usually refuses anything that I offer and will throw an ENOURMOUS temportantrum to eat what he wants. He wants to pick the color of the bowl, the cup, the amount of cereal, etc. God forbid a piece spills on the floor.. He breaks out into a crying spell that seems to escalate all day. I know it sounds like hes spoiled, but honeslty I have not made that a practice. After breakfeast, he continues to torment the dog. He hides her toys and refuses to let her have anything. He finds anything he can to hit her and just laughs and laughs. I discipline him but he wont sit in a chair nor stay in his room. I have found myself sitting with him just to keep him in his room. Nothing works. I have taken all toys away, tv out of his room, you name it. It seems like it just infuriates him more. He gets into anything you tell him not to. If Im in the bathroom getting ready, he grabs the hairspray, then the mousse, then the hairdryer, then my watch, etc. I try to take him to the store and its an absolute nightmare. He pulls things off the shelves, yells, "growls", tries to bite me. I just cant succeed. He got in trouble at school for poking another girl in the eye with a marker for no apparent reason. If I ask him not to do something, he "growls" at me and ignores me and does it anyhow. I never imagined that I would spank my child, but I was at the end of my solution list and I did... He hit me right back. I was stunned and I just dont know what to do. I have spoken with his father and please dont judge me, but hes not much help. I have him full time and he relies on me to make these decisions. I'm on my own and my mother, who is very active in his life, informs me this is normal and that her son had similar problems.Im afraid of what is going on with him and no disciplinary action is working. Im ashamed, but I have hoped he would grow out of this but hes just getting worse. I cant take him anywhere anymore. I feel like he runs my home. It sounds crazy but its true. Please, I have tried everything! Ive gotten to the point now where he will be acting up and Ill think to myself, what can I actally do?????? Underneath all of this, he is so sweet and an exceptionally smart young boy. I love him and I know he will grow up to be a wonderful man. Im just worried about the time inbetween. He has zero respect for other people and refuses to listen. And when I say he refuses to listen, I dont mean that he wont pick up his toys! He wont do anything!! Ive run out of resources and unfortunately he does control my life. I love him so much but Im totally miserable.

[Lori5]

Try reading a book called "4 weeks to a better behaved child" by  Cristine Chandler - the ideas are amazing and it has done wonders with me and my kids - ages 2 & 4.

[needadv3yroldson]

I understand what you are going through.  My son is 3 and acts very similar I don't really know what to do but have been trying some things out.  In the last few months I have gotten engaged and we are having another baby. The baby has made him a little calmer but he still bites, slaps, kicks and hits my fiance.  The doctor seems to think he is angry with his biological father who only comes around when convenient for him. Kids are smart and know that.  My son takes it out on anything he can, the house, any man that he comes in contact with, and our pets.  He loves to kick our dog, pull his tail and kick the cats around or throw them into things.
What has been working the last couple weeks for me is spending a lot of one on one time with him readind, playing games, and just telling him that I love him all the time.  He has really responded well to it and even helped me decorate his baby sissys room.

[jerseymom]

Hugs! Don't be ashamed- it's tough staying afloat as a single parent and you are trying your best! This too shall pass.

My situation is similar but not on such a grand scale as yours is right now. My ex is in the picture and supportive but defaults to me as well and we have no family nearby to help out. My son has been acting out and I've been cracking down on him. He's nearly 5 so I can use a little more logic, but he's still hurting kids at his preschool and I'm at my wit's end!

I think it's even more difficult for us single moms as there's no one else in the home to share the enforcement with. Sometimse after a long day it really is easier to give in, but in the long run it only makes it wose.

And on top of that we also have to deal with the large unanswered questions that typical families don't have (that your child might not even be able to verbalize yet) like "why don't we live with dad", "why am I passed from home to home", etc. I agree with the tough love & follow through (which is hard to do) but also acknowledging the feelings of missing the other parent.

It sounds like he also needs an objective outsider like a psychologist that he can talk to- they might also teach you some more effective ways to handle him too.

I picked up a kids book on Amazon called "Two Homes" which is about how mom & dad love you no matter where they are or which house they are in. Might be worth getting so he realizes he's not the only kid living with one parent.

Good luck!!

[woofytoyou]

Yes, you DO need to gain back control.  The 'terrible two's escalated, if this is what it is.  If you are not sure of yourself, or feeling mass feelings of guilt because of the split, or whatever happened in between, kids will know instinctively and react to this.  I would get a tight rigid schedule for your home, stick to it and I mean rigid.  This fella needs structure and with his amount of acting out, no compromising that daily routine.
He will eat what YOU have, give him 2 choices or NONE.  Let him have his tantrums to a degree, pick him up and put him in his room.
Whatever you do, don't react to it.  
Let him know you are the adult and not him. Tough love. You HAVE to get your husband to do the exact same thing.  
Absolutely respect for his sibling needs to happen, and tell him what you expect.  Quietly as he does hear you, he chooses not to but that is his problem.  Be firm and 'allwise'. Tell yourself, 'this too will pass', when the tantrums flare and you are busy picking him up to put him in his room.  It will be hard work because he has a real good working habit set up, doesn't he.
And get some support group going, get in one yourself, parent class or something like that, so you can arm yourself with good books like the one I read that changed how I talk to my child...called 'How to talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so kids will talk.'
You can overcome this willful child and his anger before he gets any older.  He needs to know you are there for him as the one he can trust.  And to him, strict structure might just  gain his respect back, so he aligns what he does during the day with what he knows he should do.
Woofy

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

With all due respect to your mother, this is by no means normal. You should waste no time in arranging a comprehensive mental health evaluation for him ASAP. I won't even attempt to offer you guidance about adjustments you can make at home because I must steer you in a sensible direction. You and he need help right now, so call your son's pediatrician re: a recommendation/referral if you do not know how to proceed.